Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He wants a relationship with me, just not right now.
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Kitkat.
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GAgirl
Hello.
This guy and I started dating a few months ago, I didn’t think I would be as serious as it is. Things started moving fast we started talking everyday and we started going out on dates. We had already discussed that we wAnted this to continue even though we were at different schools and it was his first year. We slept together and then we became a Couple shortly after that. And everything was good for a while and then things started happening. I found out he was talking to other girls and he apologized to me and told me that he wanted to be with me and he wanted us to work things out. Well it didn’t get better. I broke up with him about 2 weeks ago because I couldn’t trust him but I felt so terrible about it that I texted him a few days later and told him how I felt and he told me that he missed me. We got back together. Well that same week he broke up with me saying that he felt like he couldn’t be a good boyfriend to me. And we didn’t talk for like a week after that. Well about 2 days ago he told me that he missed me and that he didn’t want a relationship right now, but he still wanted me and that he still wanted us to be together eventually but not now. Like what ? Can some body please give me some insight here? I’m completely confused. :/
Angela
Hey GAgirl,
I can tell you this much, this guy’s is basically torn between two extremes- on the one hand living the good old sex-crazed college years and making a ball of it, while on the other side maintaining something meaningful with you- or worse keeping you on the side while he goes along galavanting and adding several one night stands to his repertoire. Not wanting a relationship means he’s keeping his options open, in case he doesn’t get any you, unfortunately will be his free pass, with of course a bonus of having no strings attached. Translation: he wants to have his cake and eat it to. If I were you, I would continue seeing him but still make it clear that dating other guys will most definitely be in my syllabus. See how he likes it, if he doesn’t well plenty more hot fish to pick from, better cast that net far and wide all over campus.Angela
One more thing, he may just want to properly sow his oats before he decides he wants, but again-leaving you high dry, remember start dating stat.
Lane
Hi GAgirl
he likes the idea of having a GF but he likes his freedom more. Unfortunately the “hook up” culture in college has changed the way males and females interact with each other. He likes you, but he’s “sowing his wild oats” so-to-speak and doesn’t want anything serious right now.
I do not suggest you wait around for him—get out and meet new people and enjoy your youth as yo only have one shot at it! I know it sucks but its life and it will happen many more times before you finally meet the right fella to settle down with when you’re both ready. So get out, have fun and create memories you will fondly look back on 10+ years from now :-)
Nic
My first two years of college I had dated somebody like that. We took “breaks” a couple of times also. In my opinion now, if a guy you’re dating wants a break he does not really want to be with you, you have to work things out with the person you’re in a relationship with, a break in a relationship does not exist in my world anymore. Every time we would be on a break he would be talking to other girls even while we were dating he would talk to other girls behind my back!(which is incredibly disrespectful and it’s hurtful) once when I thought we were over I started talking to a new guy and my ex got incredibly jealous, he went up to the guy and told him “did you hit it yet? have fun with what I already had” basically implying “hey have fun with my sloppy seconds, she’s easy” which was funny and immature. Your boyfriend or whatever he is, is probably insecure because only an insecure and immature man goes hopping around from girl to girl. Please save yourself from getting hurt, if you’re conflicted make a list of the things you like and don’t like but take your feelings into consideration. Don’t stay with him because he’s a smooth talker and knows what you want, remember what he has done and think about yourself first. Your happiness matters the most.
Ruby
I’ll be honest with you, because I wish that when I experienced this people did the same.
I was in denial. But the truth is, he isn’t mature enough for a relationship wants to have fun, and have you wating around for him until he decides he is ready – and that could be years.
You need to show yourself some love and not contact him for a while so you can restore your value in his eyes. At the moment he sees you as a doormat possibly, as harsh as that sounds! He knows that he can sleep with other girls and that you will allow it.
When you distance yourself you will see if you really matter to him and it gives him time to see how much he misses you.
Jane
Hi there,
I’m in a similar predicament. I have been with my boyfriend for the last three years. This is our first year at campus. During the beginning of the year until 3 weeks ago we were doing great even though we are not attending the same campus. We have not had sex. He is my first boyfriend that I have had. He told me that he needs to find himself and that he can’t be with me right now but maybe we will be together again someday. Could someone please advise me as what I should do with this.
ThanksKhadija
Jane,
If you start your own post you’ll get more responses.Khadijah Mussloah
So this guy and I went out on a date, and just before we were leaving, he said,”I just need to ask you, where is this going?” I said I don’t know but I want to make it work. And then he said, “I do too. I just don’t want to lead you on, and I want to make it work too. I left really confused and texted him later that night saying that if he wanted to make it work too then I think we should try. He texted back saying, “I think it could work too, I just don’t want to be that guy who isn’t there and I am not going to put you through that. We can make it work don’t get me wrong, but now is not the time” will he wait until we are ready again?? I just feel super depressed and rejected and I don’t really know how to process this.
Gemini615
He’s more than likely trying to keep you around for FWB. He doesn’t want to completely let you go but he doesn’t want to give up his freedom to date other girls, so he wants you on his terms. DO NOT settle for less. You want a committed relationship with him and you need to stick to that; tell him you won’t accept anything less than that.
However, also understand that if he can’t give you a relationship then you have to walk away and move on. Do not wait around for this man to want to be with you. It doesn’t matter how much he says he misses you, he doesn’t miss you enough to want to give up the potential of being with other girls, and that’s the only part that matters.
Love yourself enough to not settle for less than what you want or deserve.
helena
why are guys always like this?? he definitely wants to have his cake and eat it too. he wants a relationship but not really. he likes the comfort of having you sometimes, and disposes you when he isn’t interested for 2 weeks, and comes back to you when he feels like it. i’m tired of these guys as well. i know it’s hard because you do miss him, but i truly do believe that you receive what you accept. and let him know that you’re not accepting this. see him on the SIDE while you date other guys. you don’t need to waste all your time and energy on him, when he’s not wasting his time and energy on you. you have control of this situation, and it’s not worth it to put yourself in such a powerless position like this. it took a while for me to realize this as well, after dealing with way too many guys who want something, but not really. we let guys get away with this type of behavior and just know you have all control of your situation and emotions right now.
Kitkat
You are a beautiful girl. Move on. Don’t wait around for him. Value yourself. If you want to still keep him in YOUR rotation that is fine, but date other men as others have said. Really really REALLY be open to finding connection elsewhere.
In my experience (I was a very pretty very popular girl in my college days) this kind of guy never comes back serious unless you drop them and move on yourself. You must value yourself well and this will radiate your intrinsic value to others. Read that again.
He’s not serious about you so let it go. There are enough rainbows and unicorns promised out there and this talk he is feeding you is more of the same.
I know it stinks but it is the truth. Somebody who is crazy about you would never act this way.
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