He wants me to SERVE him his food

Why are you doing his laundry? He is not your child, he is a grown man. Stop mothering him.

Stop doing his laundry and occationally cook for him, he is telling you the action that makes him feel loved. Listen to him. Get over your stuff… There is no difference, so do the one he likes.

Haha…this sounds exactly like my BF. He told me that it make him feel loved when I cook for him and serve him – I love cooking so I was like ‘great’! The serving part I didn’t get at first / but I think it’s that he feels like you are selecting what to eat for him and plating it – for me I made it into a plating thing, like in a restaurant, the plate looks beautiful and it became fun for me. It makes him feel loved and he gives me lots of love back so why not do what makes him feel special?

At least he knows I’m not as big of a fan on cleaning and has already told me that we can have a cleaning person when we get married – especially if I am working (we are both professionals but he works longer hours than me).

I know it can be tough to get over your issues – but if you love him and he’s giving you love the way you want and treating you with love why not do the same in return?

Tallady, I do his laundry because I am home ALL day long studying and I also like doing laundry, cleaning and keeping the house. He is very organized and does not clean much, and I am the opposite–I gotta have it all clean. He works 3 jobs and works out…so it is a lot and I just want to help. I like it. He is very thankful about it and says I make his load lighter.

Hannah, by serving I mean putting the food in the plate for him and taking the food to the table! if I out the food on the table he gets it himself. But when he comes home for lunch, he loves it when I do it restaurant style. Same thing at night sometimes he goes in front of the TV and loves if I bring him food in a plate.

Jessica, I LOVE cooking too! Aren’t you the one with the alpha male guy?

The thing is that I don’t even do this for my kids! I taught them to be independent and serve their own food since they were little no matter the mess!

I think this one is going to kill me! LOL!!!

You have an irrational perception given to you by your mother.

It is a story, nothing more, nothing less. There is no meaning unless you give it meaning. Change the meaning to doing something for someone you love who appreciates it.

It is so funny that you posted this topic! This came up with my boyfriend just the other day! He is an alpha male too. :) My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time with my aunt and uncle. They are like a second set of parents to me. When we are around them she serves my uncle’s plate and brings it to him and will sometimes even serve boyfriend. My aunt and uncle have been married for like 35 years and she’s always done this for him because my grandmother did it for my grandfather. On occasion she has even told me to serve my boyfriend’s plate and he’s like no I can get it myself! And I’ll say he has 2 arms he can get his own food! :) I figure if I can go to the store and buy it and cook it the least he can do is put it on a plate!! Lol So my aunt will say you are just like your mother! She would never serve your dad’s plate! Obviously this is some deep rooted issue with women that you either love or hate to do for your man!!

I had never even thought about it before this conversation but I do have an issue with it for some reason. Maybe it’s like my aunt says and I saw my mom’s example and it drove me crazy to see my grandmother going back and forth serving my grandfather in his easy chair!! So I totally understand where you’re coming from. My boyfriend is quite content to serve his own plate and sometimes mine as well. :) But I do know that if he told me that serving him made him feel loved and it was a big deal to him then I would do it. He does so many things for me that I’m sure aren’t necessarily “fun” for him but he does them to make me happy. I’m sure he doesn’t consider taking out my trash or taking it to the road each time “fun” you know?!? So I could get over it for him.

If your guy is appreciative and makes you feel loved and not like his maid or servant then work through your hangup with it and serve him. :)

It doesn’t seem to be a big deal!

I’m Latin, too, and my mom “served” us all our meals, including my dad three times a day for many years! Looking at my family, all the women do (or have help who do!). I think your mom is the exception.

Serving your man is a very feminine, loving thing to do…as long as he knows that it is what YOU like, not what you’re obliged to do, and that it is given out of love.

Seems simple enough if he’s doing wonderful things for you. If not….that’s another question.

Tallady, I can see how this was passed on from my mom! Thank you for making me see it.

Lane, you are right, it is a mountain in my head and it is a minor thing….this one goes back to childhood.

Kaye, my boyfriend has a problem of being too slow for things that matter a lot me….so I even though I feel loved, I have a HUGE problem with giving him too much of what he likes quick and the best I can, and he takes too long when it is a hard one for him….at least he works on it!

Maria, oh the trash!! Back home I am a single mom with 2 teen boys and I always ask them to take the trash because to me as a Latina that is a guy thing….I do it too but bitch all the way from the garage to the curbside, LOL!!! Here with my boyfriend he takes the trash out and he laughs about it.

Harley, I am laughing so hard right now!!! That would be his fantasy! LOL!!!

redcurleysue, I LOVE to cook but HATE going to the grocery store! I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate it. I am getting used to it. The more I have to do it, the better it gets. hang in there, there is hope! My dad says that since I was 2 years old I hated it and would say I don’t wanna go because it is stinky LOL!!

My guy and I have identical love languages. I love that book. I have some serious work to do and serve this man for life…..he freaking LOVES it!

Stephania,
Yes, my guy is alpha for sure. He works a lot so I really don’t mind serving him. It’s funny because he and I were talking about the love languages and he told me about his aunt and uncle and how his aunt always greeted his uncle at the door and was so happy to see him and how much they loved each other. So I took that as a cue – and even though I was already quite affectionate with him – I made sure to be even more so, especially when I first saw him. Basically, I stopped holding back all expression of my love for him and it is amazing how this alpha guy has become even more sweet and affectionate. Even though we both were already affectionate, it has really made us both more loving toward each other.

On cooking….My mother was not the greatest cook shall we say, so I learned how to cook from my father – and I absolutely love making things that people find delicious. The funny thing is that it irks my mother that I serve my BF – she thinks it is so last century – and just doesn’t get it. I serve my kids too – not everything – they will get their own drinks and help me set the table. I am much more like my grandmother who doted on my grandfather – and they loved each other until the day he died. I always think of them when I’m serving or cooking – and it reminds me what an expression of love it really is.

By the way, great points on how we are raised and how one parent can shape you as an adult and for ever! Just hearing my mom bitch about this made me hate it too….and when I say I hate it, I mean I have physical stress symptoms, that is how much I hate it….geeezzzz…..

I love cooking for people too and it never occurred to me who served the food. The cooking is the labor intensive bit. If I’ve spent an hour making a meal, I really don’t care who put in on the plate!

I think pretty much all men love being fed a nice meal. My husband never expects but adores it when I cook for him. It’s the best thing I can possibly do to make him happy…apart from sex!

But you seem to have a real issue with this. It is illogical and isn’t about putting food on a plate. Look at the feelings it brings up in you.

If you get upset to the point of physical symptoms, don’t do it. It’s not a big deal. He’s not going to leave you over it. Tell him how you feel. But I would work on this. Perhaps do every other meal so sometimes he gets what he wants and others you do. He will find it even more special that you do it for him even though you hate it, even if it’s just once a week. None of us are peperfect though. Don’t do something that makes you unhappy. Try and stop it making you unhappy, because all it is is putting food on a plate.

Micky, I am a big cook! I have cooked for 100 people all by myself and from the scratched. I love to entertain and have parties. I was married to a Middle East man for 18 years and I learned how to cook like a an old lady from his country. I had no problem bringing him coffee, snacks, tea…little things…or if he was busy in the office I’d bring him his dinner plate or send one of the kids.

My problem is having a dude sit on the couch and wait for me to bring him the food. That is what gets my blood boiling! LOL!! I have to laugh. And the thing is that my guy is a bodybuilder and is big and tall so he eats very often and loves home cooked meals….it’s a lot of seating down and come bring me food!