Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He was gossiping about me….. I think?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 9 months ago by
Andrea.
-
AuthorPosts
-
B
This guy I’ve been kind of seeing for three months (we were friends for a year prior) is really upsetting me. I already know what I need to do. I just need a lot of support today.
We bonded over our recent bad breakups with our exes. He is 38 and I am 31. I am much further along than him though with my healing, so I was feeling ready to actually date him. He would text me to see how my day was going, send selfies, made plans to get dinner, etc. He is very thoughtful and kind and in touch with his emotions. He invited me over with signs that he wanted to get more physical, but then when I got there all he did was complain about his ex. This happened twice. And I stayed up with him until 3 am both times helping him talk through it. But I left so disappointed and hurt. I told him he needs to cut contact with her for his sanity. She broke up with him seven months ago (for the second time) and they are still in some sort of contact. But she is clearly not into him romantically any longer. She is seeing other people and moving on with her life.
Last weekend we did get physical and it went well, but when we were done he said “I feel so selfish” and then he said he feels pulled in to me, but then feels like he needs to retreat away because he’s not ready. He is very hot and cold with me. He said he realized he’s still hung up on his ex and that he needs more time. He said it’s nothing wrong with me or whatever. This was after I prompted the conversation because something felt wrong. But he was very kind about it all.
I’m leaving out a lot of details here to save you the boredom, but I told him that I felt led on because well… he was making me dinner and then suddenly told me he found his ex on tinder and that he made the tinder to see if she had one. Surprise, she had a tinder. I said I was hurt. But that I would be fine. He was extremely understanding and sweet about it. I said I didn’t think I wanted to continue things any longer and he was understanding.
About a month later we patched things up, but still we’re not technically dating. One of his female work friends called while he was over at my place. I was cooking and he probably didn’t think I could hear him, as he was on my back patio. But he basically complained about me to his friend saying that he’s not sure what he did wrong and that he “pissed me off” a month ago when he said he wasn’t ready to pursue anything. That isn’t the whole story. I was upset because I felt led on, NOT because he wasn’t ready. I let it go. Well then I thought we patched things up. He comes back over a week after that and the same scenario… I’m getting stuff ready in the kitchen while he’s outside. I can hear when the window is open. And I heard him tell the same friend that I texted him to hang out (which is accurate) and he acted slightly annoyed by it. He read my text out loud to the friend. He was COMPLETELY misrepresenting me and leaving out the parts where he is so sweet and kind to me… which lead me to believe this dude actually likes me. His wording makes me look like I get upset for no reason at all. And I even heard him say “you’re right! I didn’t do anything!” I played it cool and haven’t brought it up, because I am in shock. He has been so kind with me to my face.
Also, he apparently has plans with this female friend from work to watch a movie at his place today. At least he is honest with me about that, but what he heck?! I’ve never had a guy gossip (?!) about me before? My stomach hurts.
Maddie
Run away when words and actions don’t align. Biggest red flag. 7 months of pining for an on and off ex plus fearing commitment and twisting things with you to make himself feel better (she can’t handle that I’m not ready, *I* didn’t do anything wrong) all shows you that he has other issues (probably insecure attachment style) and will never show up for you as a decent partner because he isn’t working through his own problems and instead takes them out on others (he emotionally dumps on you, needs validation from others, is wallowing and staying stuck stalking his ex through tinder, and more).
You did good by cutting off the hooking up and casual dating, but staying in his life when you know he’s doing all this is enabling him and permissive that what he’s doing is “okay” because you’re still sticking around in some capacity. Don’t, it’s not worth it. You’re not going to get anything out of it except his drama, immaturity, and insecurity.
Peggy
Hi. This guy is not ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone, likely. Stop trying to figure him out. He is messed up, conflicted and treating you badly. Let him go, without making more drama. Just simply tell him you think things are not working for either of you and you are moving on and wish him well. Then do that.
Raven
Red Flags everywhere & yet you are still entertaining him… Why?!
Liz Lemon
This guy sounds like a mess, AND a jerk. Being a mess over an ex does not make him a jerk, but I totally agree with Peggy that he’s not ready for anything and you should stop trying to figure him out. But, on top of that, he talks sh!t about you to a friend in your own house, thinking you can’t hear? He’s an a$$hole.
Why put yourself in a situation where you’re hanging out with someone who makes you feel sick to your stomach? Someone you have to “play it cool” with, who treats you sweetly to your face, and then talks garbage about you to his friends? That’s the definition of two-faced.
I know it must really sting, because you thought he was a kind, thoughtful person. Consider this a blessing in disguise that you can see his real character. This guy is a mess on multiple levels. The fact that he’s not over his ex is one of them, but the way he talks about you to his friends is another. You don’t need that in your life. I like Peggy’s advice of simply telling him things aren’t working and that you wish him well, and move on.
B
Thank you ALL for your help. I feel a bit better. I am noting your responses.
I will say that one reason why he might be annoyed/confused with me is that I did tell him about a month ago that I was upset because I felt led on. I asked him if he had romantic feelings for me and he said no. And that he still loves his ex. I told him that I appreciated his honesty, but that I should probably return the items of his that he let me borrow of his. He seemed to be really upset by that because I heard him tell a friend on the phone. AND not to mention that when he talks to his friend about me he COMPLETELY plays down how involved we have been. WHY?!? Why would he do that? And I’m also pretty sure that he told me that he told a friend we were “seeing each other”.
Am I going crazy here? Did I totally misread him? I’ve never had a guy send me “how was your day” texts, selfies, got me Starbucks when I had a bad day, invited me over for expensive alcohol, make me dinner… and then do this? I feel used and gross and just grossed out. Why do I feel like this is all my fault?
Maddie
I don’t think you misread him. You properly read his words and actions don’t align, that’s all you need to know. He doesn’t want to be with you romantically but likes your company, attention, presence, emotional support, and validation. You’re putting up with all his crap so he gets the good parts without giving you anything back, why wouldn’t he want you to stay around? He also doesn’t want to take responsibility for anything, including his own feelings.
It’s not on him not to lead you on because you already tried discussing it with him and it didn’t stop him from acting this way. So, now he’s shown you his character, believe it. It’s on you to protect yourself and have healthy boundaries by walking away if he’s leading you on. He’s not going to take responsibility for how he treats you, he’s shown you that over and over. He doesn’t need to: you take responsibility for yourself instead of depending on a jerk to be considerate of your feelings. Don’t let him “drive” things when he can’t even take care of himself in an emotionally healthy way. He won’t be able to do it for anyone else if he can’t show up for himself. Make your own decisions, take back your power. His behavior and choices aren’t your fault anyway, so why stick around putting up with it? Believe you deserve better and act accordingly. With some distance, you’ll stop feeling like it’s your fault and will get out of this fog. The fog and confusion are warning signs and can happen when there’s too much cognitive dissonance in a person’s behavior or you’re being gaslighted (told one thing even though another is clearly true), so trust your own instinctual warning bells.
AngieBaby
At this stage you’re gaslighting yourself. Classic mistake of taking his kind gestures as boyfriend behavior and not friend behavior. He enjoys your company. He likes you. THAT’S ALL. No romantic interest. No romantic potential here. Stop chasing him. Stop seeing him at all.
Why do you value yourself and your time and energy so little that you continue to hang around this guy and go into a level of analysis of him and his behavior that would put Dr. Freud to shame????
This is a simple case of HE’S NOT OVER THE LAST ONE AND HE’S NOT READY TO HAVE A NEW ONE.
Overhearing someone talking about me like that would put me off someone forever.
It’s not your fault, so to speak, but it is on you stop engaging in this situation.
Lane
Yes, you are going crazy because you are acting crazy! No sugar coating it. You are the one “pushing him” into something he clearly doesn’t want with you but for some odd reason you’ve selected a man who’s still in love with another woman.
You are not further along than him. You still have your own issues to deal with, and only pretending you are OK when you clearly are not OK. You need to take a break from men. You are not healed or you wouldn’t be in the position you are in. You lack boundaries. You lack healthy communication. Passive-aggressive. Co-dependent. Just a few that jumps out at me based on what you’ve written.
Cut the cord. Stop playing victim as you’ve played a big role in it. Get to work on your issues, and let him deal with his, on his own.
Andrea
This man showed you who he was from the very beginning, yet you kept seeing him and you even decided to hook up. Some women like to think they are so awesome personality wise and so talented in the sack that they can turn things around to their favor with a man, but that’s not the case. If a man is not ready, willing and able to form a connection with a woman for whatever reason AND if he’s not a decent human being, then you’re wasting your time.
-
AuthorPosts
