He went back to his ex and I am devastated

Sweetheart, I feel your pain from your writing. Try to understand that it is not about you, it is about HIS feelings for his ex that existed prior to you and that are no reflection on you in any way. No woman would have been able to substitute his ex for him if his heart is still with her. No matter her looks, her wits, her anything, he’d want his ex, that person. No other person would make us feel good, even if that person is objectively much better, smarter, more beautiful, etc. You really need to understand this, it is really not personal. Have you never been in this situation yourself? Probably not, if you can’t see it from his perspective. But if you try you’d stop feeling bad about yourself instantly.

Find things that bring You joy…

You feel bad because he picked her over you, of course for any of us that bruises our ego BADLY. We feel nothing but down, even though we may have wonderful things going in our lives. No matter how good life is to us and the other people around us, that feeling of when you don’t “see your worth” ruins it all. I know that feeling. I think we all do! It sucks bad but you know what? 3 months is not that long, i bet you anything within a few months you’ll roll your eyes at yourself about him. Re-read your first sentence, “I feel the worst feeling possible and that is the feeling of being replaceable and deplorable 🙁” – it’s just a feeling, it’s not who you are. Feelings go away, your emotions are hurting and it will pass. We all experience loss / grief and it sucks. All I can do is give you a big air hug. Just know that he was an experience you needed and now you know what you need to do in the future to act upon the red flags you do see and not ignore them or disregard them. They are red flags for a reason.

May I ask how long ago he went back to his ex?

Heartbreak really SUCKS which is a big reason I didn’t want to be in a relationship after my divorce…it took me almost 4 years after I left my husband of 20+ years to even CONSIDER one again! The good news is during that 4 years I focused all my energy on ME by rebuilding a single happy life…my calendar was slammed pack of all kinds of things from golf, to softball to social events, travelling, focusing on my career, to the point I didn’t NEED a man to make me happy because I was too happy being me!

I would not grieve too long because you risk falling into a depression. I would start finding fun things to do (meetup.com is great), buy self-help books that can help with your self-esteem and areas you feel the weakest in. Also start filling your calendar up with hobbies, activities, friends and family. Do not talk too much about the break up because eventually people will become super sick of hearing about it and it also keeps you STUCK.

I know your hurting, but you really need to start working on and focusing on YOU because that is the best method of becoming whole again. Like they say “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!”

Guys, you have been incredible supportive and I thank you al so much. I know 3 months it’s not a long time but I have never felt that vulnerable with a man before and he knew it, and didn’t take advantage of it either. Maybe he was just as confused and guiltily as well and didn’t know what he was doing with me.

Hi Lane! The last 3 weeks according to social media they have been doing stuff together and pretty sure they are back on full force but he never posts pics of the two of them.

I think my challenge is that I am in a very intensive graduate school program that leaves me no breathing room and I had a good thing happen to me and it all went down…. I think my life will be definitely better in quality once I am done with the program and have a good job and stable income to afford more traveling as well as hobbies.

Currently, I am poor as diet, no time, stressed out and the lowest of the lows I have ever been. So I know my situation is bigger than him and it has more to do with the point in life I am currently at ..

I am working hard and staying focus so I finish and don’t slip into depression …. I honestly can’t afford it.

It’s hard to accept the situation when you have the lower end of the stick. Please just know that there is nothing you could have done and said since it seems that his mind and hear was somewhere else.

I agree with other posters than 8 months it’s not a long time to jump into another serious relationship. Next time please keep this in mind and don’t emotionally invest in a guy until they show their true colors.

The hard times are not permanent! You will grow stronger and wiser because of this one day, I promise. We all have gone through similar things one way or another. You have to actively focus your attention somewhere , most importantly yourself. Yes, time heals all but most importantly you are in control of your thoughts and as a result your feelings and emotions which is why it is an active and consistent mind work out.

Hugs! You will get and feel better soon!

Hello girl. The same thing happened to me except that we were together a month. She found out and decided to come back . I cried cause I fell for him(who falls that fast) ?i did… we did . Well.. after he disappeared for 2 weeks( he would text.. but not see me or make plans) . He gave me some lame excuses and I finally faced my worst fear and drove to his house . Of course he didn’t open the door . She was there . I get home and finally texted me the truth. I called him. Cried a lot and suffered. And guess what ? After a week that. Detached and never looked for him he came back saying that I am the one who he loves and it could not work with her cause he was in love with me . I gave him a chance ( don’t know why) and we are now together for 6 moths . We even live together . But honestly I am still having a hard time cause I cannot forgive him a 💯 percent. Read the text what is good or bad ? It’s a Buddhist text. It will help u. I understand u cause I sure was in your shoes 👠. Love!

“He said he wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted without hurting anyone.” – wow this is really something. You dude is a piece of art. Sorry

When someone dumps us for someone else, sorry for being so vulgur, it is extremely damaging to our self esteem, it is a piercing feeling that you get. Plus so many feelings get mixed up together in a whirlpool of conflict, magnifying each other. None of it is love necessarily. But it can take a very long time to get over it.

This is probably one of the very few situations where I’d say get angry. Allow yourself to get furious and angry. Try to really see yourself the way you mom would, feeling all the hurt and damage for oyu not being able to help you. She’ get furious at the dude. So do the same for YOU. This would help you to get over this feeling faster. Otherwise you can get stuck for a long time. It is really not about the number of weeks you’ve been together, so long so it is not 1 or 2 weeks of course.

Get angry and feel indignation for YOU. Once this feelings starts boiling in you, it would take over the rest and you won’t see him as anything much desirable anymore. You’d stop respecting him, you’d see how all your excuses for him are quite lame, and soon after you won’t feel the pain, it will begin to fade out quite quickly.

Anger is a negative emotion EXCEPT when is used as a self defense LOL So defend yourself, get furious and feel the indignation for what was done to you.

You’re going to have a talk with him in the near future about wanting a man back who said he doesn’t want you?

I’m a gay man,fell in love with a bi man who said he lived with his girlfriend but just as roommate as it was rocky and over. She doesn’t know he’s into men too. He moved in with me after 8 weeks, I caught him spending the night with her, I kicked him out. He still texts me, we have hooked up a few times, I do love him and want him. I feel he is living a lie with her will they last? Is he confused who he is should I move on? I was mairred once to a woman too so I understand being bi. I know he has true feelings for me, and we could have a good life together. Will his 3 year rocky girlfriend relationship fail again? I would love to have him back, but only if he’s over her. He’s living a lie with her that she doesn’t know he likes a man, dose that make him a cheater or just confused with his life? I want him and I think he wants me but he doesn’t want to leave her and hurt her leaving again right now? Do I wait, do I stay in the friend zone, do I do no contact, how can I win him back, or do I just move on and not feel like someones plan B if they don’t work out?

Hello everyone!
First of all I want to say Hana I’m truly sorry you expirenced this pain & heartache and I hope you are in a much better place now!
& Im aware that this is old but I hope I get some advice on my current situation I feel like I’m stuck and can’t move past what happened..
Our situations are very similar while reading it felt as if we are one person.
I got out of a toxic relationship and a week later met this wonderful man who made life so much easier , a man who brought sunshine into my life. He was truly the best man I have ever came across & I was so thankful that I expirenced that toxic relationship because it brought me to this wonderful guy. He is the sweetest , selfless caring & loving man I ever had. I truly felt like I hit the jackpot & I know to some it might sound silly because it was only 4 months but I was so happy to have the chance of finding someone so wonderful. His company simply was a vacation getaway from a rough day. As more time went by even when I had the most wonderful day he was the first one I wanted to share news with. I met all his close friends & his cousins.
Every moment spend together was bettter the. The last. We had weekend getaways together that we’re better then any vacation even if it was 2 hours from our town.
I thought everything was progressing until he started being distant out of no where. I noticed a dramatic change & briufh it up to his attention to make sure everything was ok because we went from spending weekends together to barely seeing one another even once a week. He reassured me it was, just been having long days at work .. etc.
I had a very rough day at work and he invited me over for some cuddles and movie.
I wasn’t sure if he just wanted casual since he got so distant so quick so I offered to go out for a drink instead & we did , the night went as every night except less affection as per usual. I didn’t bring it up to his attention because I thought maybe I’m looking into the situation a bit too much.
We made plans to see one another the upcoming night, I got home from work & he asked if it’s ok for him to stop by for a chat. When he came by he right away began with “I’m so sorry I have been acting weird and distant the past 2 weeks , ever since I felt as if I was heartbroken .. unhappy. In that moment my stomach turned into a not but I didn’t show it. I said is everything ok? He said yea I’m just not happy and it’s not with you , your do wonderful and I’m going to regret this but I have been thinking of my ex and if I don’t give it another go then I will never be happy. so I asked if they had any contact his words were no I wanted to speak to you because your wonderful and you deserve to know this I wouldn’t want to do anything behind ur back I wouldn’t like it done with me. & it’s not you you’ve been amazing it’s just me and how I feel and I’m truly sorry for this . I started with “ thank you for being open & honest “I’m deeply sorry that you weren’t happy with me. Thank you for a wonderful 4 months & I truly hope that things work out for you & ur ex and you become happy again. His eyes filled with tears and he said if you ever need anything I’m here I’m sorry I said same goes for you & don’t be sorry just want you to be happy you deserve it! He hugged me apologized again and left. The minute he left waterfall of tears fell down my eyes and I know he didn’t try to lead me on intentionally and he tried to move on & I do truly wish the best for him and hope he is happy it’s just deep inside I’m hurting so much that I finally find a perfect man who has everything I ever wished for and much more and I lost him forever.
How do I move on from him? , how can I stop feeling regret and like I messed things up to loose someone so great .. we drove by each other a few days ago so I sent him a text wishing him happy holidays & hope all is well and he never replied. I miss him so so much when I shouldn’t & I probably sound crazy for still wanting a man who had no issue loosing me to go back to an ex he claimed he should’ve moved on from years ago. But I don’t have not one bit of anger towards him just wish I was that girl ..

Hey guys!

I am the original OP that posted the original post over a year ago. I periodically check anewmode because I like this community and then support, and it caught my attention that my old post has been visited a few times this year!

Ladies, I am so sorry what you all had to go through with your exes, I can say more or less I do feel your pain because i was there once. The beauty of pain is that you come stronger, wiser, and more confident on the other side.

I know is cliche, but it all starts with you! Whether in pain or in love, use every situation to better yourself. That’s what I did after my lesson with the guy that went back to his ex. I was able to be prepared and quickly picked up on same behavior with the next few guys I dated, and made the filtering process much easier. I didn’t get attached and neither did I waste time because it was clear to me that they weren’t ready for what I had to offer.

Fast forward to now, I am currently in a happy relationship of 6 months with a man I can see the rest of my life with! Does it mean this is my happy ending? Not necessarily. Does this mean that I won’t get hurt if it ends? For sure helll, I’ll get hurt. But now I know that I can face and struggle in pain, and i know that I will come stronger on the other side. And I know regardless with every set back and heartache, the next best thing that comes is bigger and brighter!

So to all my ladies that are hurt, feel the pain. Bathe in pain. Face the pain. But use it to become a better person and push you to the other side. You will be amazed at the life that was been waiting for you, but you needed to become bigger first.

Love you all!