he went silent for a month and wants to be friends

I just saw him for the first time on Friday since the last week of September. And he said that he wanted to end things because he still loved his ex, which hurt but we were never intimate that’s the only reason I am strongly considering becoming friends.

But I do get what you are saying about wasting time especially since he is 14 years my senior, I’m only 27!

K – I literally just said how I feel. You put words into my mouth that don’t reflect my current feelings… if you are able to give me feedback based on what was said I would really appreciate that versus an assumption of my feelings.

Didn’t realize he was so much older. I’m assuming he’s never married and no kids? I think that’s usually a red flag, shows the guy can’t commit. And the whole “caught up on the ex” thing could very well be an excuse. Don’t give this guy any more of your time. Plenty of other guys out there that will value you.

Delete, Delete, Delete…

Daisy, I think there is some fear from past relationships. The ex after the ex-wife came out of the closet as a lesbian. And he hasn’t had a serious relationship since then that was 4 years ago.

We also live 1 mile apart, I will see him sometime soon I am sure of it. I responded but I didn’t say anything about meeting up, I am leaving for a 2 week vacation tomorrow. Hopefully he takes the initiative otherwise, I guess it would be best to delete his number??

Hi Kay,
I went through the same situation as you.
I knew this guy who is 4 yrs younger than me through an online dating site.

We meet and we spent a lot of time together. We just click.

One day, i wanted to meet him wanting to tell him how I felt but he went silent for 1.5 months (Maybe I came forward too strong).I sent 3 other text msges to wish him his birthday etc which earns no reply.

After 1.5mth, he texted me saying sorry for being silent and he only wishes us to become friends because he likes spending time together with me. I told him through text my intention of meeting him before he went silent. He replied to remain as friends only which I accept.

We meet many times since and I have no regrets being a friend to him. He is 30mins walking distance away from me. He started to open up and shared more things with me of his personal life and family. I think Im just take things slow and enjoy every moment spent with him for now.

The challenges that we have:
1) I going through a divorce process which has not ended.(he knew)
2) I have 3 young kids. (he knew)
3) We are from different culture and background.

Dear OP. He doesn’t want to be friends. He was very disrespectful to have ignored your texts. That’s so rude, however at best he was hoping you’d just stop contact.

He’s now being polite and clear. Depending on your attachment style, it can be incredibly hard to move on from rejection. But my advice is you really set your mind to do this now.

Please do not chase a 41 year old man. All you are doing is stoking his ego. Delete his number, move on.

Why WHY do all of you 20 somethings fall for dudes over 40? They are generally class A manipulators with bad habits and outsized egos (if they are dating 20 somethings). There are great guys your age.

Going to bet if he was 29, you’d have NEVER reached out again after the disrespect of being blown off.

Older men are not some special prize that it is worth demeaning yourself to get.

Kay – sorry, no disrespect meant but I didn’t put words in your mouth, I went by exactly what you said. it’s like Liz Lemon pointed out. You said: ” I truly enjoyed his company and wanted to keep getting to know him if in the future things change we could try again.” That reads as someone who’s holding out hope he will change his mind, and I”m not the only one who took it as that.

And my advice is still:

“He’s already made up his mind about you and he’s gone. His silence in response to your messages SCREAMED “I’m not interested in having any kind of relationship with you.”

Respect his wishes and respect yourself and delete his number and move on.”

You’re young so you don’t realize that “being just friends” with men doesn’t work. Also, he’s a lot older than you and in a different place in life. “Friends” have a lot in common and support each other, etc. That doesn’t happen when there’s a huge age gap. Life at 27 is a whole lot different than life at 41. I dated a 38 year old when I was 25 so I’ve been there myself. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t do it again. Age matters less as you get older but still… I’m wary of dating anyone more than five years older or younger than I am these days.

This is way too much work to put into someone who didn’t treat you well. Just move on and chalk it up to experience.

I did what you did: chasing a guy over 15 years older. But it was mostly an ego thing, i couldnt believe why he wouldnt be interested in someone way younger. He was nice but in terms of dating a colossal waste of time. Now im totally with anon: older guys are not that special. In fact its more the opposite. Guys your age at some point will want to settle and thats the guys to look for.
When it comes to being friends. Why? He ignored you and isnt even offering friendship. He only responded to your message stating he ONLY wants to hang out as friends. Thats not offering anything

“But it was mostly an ego thing, i couldnt believe why he wouldnt be interested in someone way younger.”

Oh dear I have to laugh- they like the young women because you are an ego boost to them. If an older man is dating younger, he is likely insecure and trying to “prove” something to himself/friend that he can still get the younger (more desirable) women. You are also more attractive because they perceive you as easier to control.

And yeah…and if a guy wants to “stay friends”, it’s just a way to soften the message that he is not interested in dating you. Think about it, you are dating a guy, not into him, but he is nice, and you might offer “lets be friends” or agree to his ask “can we be friends?”, while making zero effort to actually be friends.

I actually doubt whether you two would meet, even if you did follow up… I agree with Honeypie, he doesn’t want to be friends. To me, his behavior screams ‘leave me alone’… sorry. I take the friends comment as a soft blow, at best it would be some awkward one-time drinks, at worst casual sex (which, sorry, you really don’t sound like that’s what you would be looking for from this guy). I also don’t really understand – is is this ex from 4 years ago that he is not over? yet, he is dating others? first, 4 years is a long time. second, this doesn’t stop him from dating others… clearly, it was an excuse.