Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › he went silent for a month and wants to be friends
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Liz Lemon.
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kaye
The other kaye here!! I think trying to be friends would be a bad idea. It would take your time, energy and head space from meeting a potential long term partner because you’re investing it in a guy who has already told you is hung up on his ex and only wants to be friends with you! Do you not think it’s strange he’s ignoring your messages but going out to dinner with other women?
And you aren’t fooling us. You wanted to spend more time with him. Felt you connected really well, enjoyed his company and are still stalking him on dating apps to see if he’s dating someone else and still think there’s potential to try again in the future. None of that says “I just want to be friends.”
This is how I see it going. First, if you send him a message asking if he wants to hang out. He either ignores you or says sure let’s do something. Except he never makes plans. Or let’s say he does make plans and then is “busy” and keeps putting you off. Or let’s say he actually does make plans and hangs out with you. Then you start looking for “signs” in everything he does. He touches your arm, or hugs you bye or buys you’re dinner and you’re searching for signs he really wants to be more than friends and see you again. And you’re posting here for months with things like, he said he just wants to be friends but then he acted jealous when I told him I had a date. Or he said he just wants to be friends but kissed me when he was leaving. Etc and so forth.
Worse case scenario is not you make a great friendship. Worse case scenario is you start hanging out with him for months and fall in love with an emotionally unavailable guy who is hung up on his ex and either goes back to her or starts seeing someone else when he’s over her and not you! And you are left broken hearted, devastated and wondering why weren’t you good enough. Why did he pick her and not you? And you have just wasted months hanging out with Mr. Unavailable instead of meeting a man who is actually looking for a relationship with you.
Emily
I asked my long-term boyfriend your question Kay. He said: Like others have said, he has zero interest in you. A guy that likes a girl, even just as friends would have a hell of a lot more interest than being silent for a month. And there’s no way he’d be ignoring multiple texts. At his age, he knows how to pursue a woman, even as he is getting over an ex. You are wasting your time even thinking about this guy-he doesn’t think of you at all, my boyfriend assures you. He is keeping you so far at a distant, you just like him too much to see the truth. Delete and forget this guy. He’s not the one you are looking for not even as friends.
Kay
Woah! This was a lot thank you all for the help. I would very much go into this just as friends, no hookups I respect myself I don’t have sex unless I am in a committed relationship and that’s been about 5 months since my breakup. He was nice we did have a lot in common but I totally understand even if he wanted a friendship that he would’ve been respectful towards me and not have ignored me.
I was going more of an approach of yes I am attracted to him but I don’t want more. I also think we met for a reason and thought extending an olive branch would be good and maybe a great friendship could be forged, we have a lot of common interest. I don’t drink often and love to exercise it was enjoyable having a friend to do that stuff with.
The other part of me is intrigued and I want to know how guys like him think. It would be great to have a male friend like this that can give me advice later on down the road… maybe that’s wishful thinking!
I’m taking off tonight, hopefully I hear from him during my travels if I don’t then I’ll leave it alone. I can only try to be friends with someone so many times!
anon
Step very far away from this man. Period.
That great friendship would end the day he met a woman his own age that he was serious about. Her first comment about the 20 something he works out with and is his “great friend” would probably not be positive.
Seriously, I meet guys your age ALL THE TIME who would love a fit girl who doesn’t drink much. Great guys. Join a gym or Cross Fit.
Newbie
Kay, im sure you got the drift of what most here are saying. Im here a lot so you get to know some of the regular posters here. Even with fake names. The recent activities of anon who decided to date younger guys instead of her own age (around the age the guy you were seeing) since they were mostly overjudgmental, hypercritical and full of air. Besides Thatcher comments make me laugh i also realized she has a good point. The fast amoint of decent 40 guys are raising families. Now im not saying the rest of the single ones are to be discarded right of the bat but to be weery about when you are also in the 40 range. The ones willing to settle down with the right person are in your own ageframe.
I think you should look at yourself if maybe you are emotionally unavailable at this point, maybe due to the last ex or in general. I was like you in my 30ies, going for older guys but really i was afraid of getting loved. Im 50 now, never started a family and yes that does work for me, but if you want other things you might want to take a deeper look in yourself. Maybe this is totally farfetched but thats for you to judgeBetter off Single
I really see nothing wrong with extending an olive branch and having a casual friendship or work out partner with a single man having no expectations and no sex. You know what you want and where your head is at. It could work out fine as long as you stay grounded. The worst he can do is say no, flake out on you, or completely ignore you. When he meets a woman, you will not be a companion anymore.
I’ve had plenty of friendships with guys that meant a lot to me who I had to back off and let them be with their women. One of the women I tried to be friends with. It seemed kinda forced, like she didn’t want to do it and did it to make him happy, so I just backed off and follow him on social media.
The world revolves around the sun
It’s not like he is the only guy you have to talk to or make time for. He is a FRIEND. Friends have lives, friends do things on their own without contacting you because life gets in the way and they get busy.
So he went silent for a month, he was living his life without you as a priority.
anon
“I think you should look at yourself if maybe you are emotionally unavailable at this point, maybe due to the last ex or in general.”
This is such truth.
Please, please, please consider the above statement. A lot of men (and honestly women) in their 40’s are very emotionally unavailable and come with a bag of issues that if you wtick around will JADE you.My 30 year old friend got used, abused and dumped by a 47 year old man who “promised to always care for her”, until she sort of refused to fully be molded by him. Then got pregnant. Then he dumped her. I swear, all she was to him was a trophy to show to his ex wife, then a woman to kick around until the end. My friend recently met a guy her age who is treating her right, courting her, and seems fully emotionally open and engaged.
When you hit your 40’s, you more or less know how to manipulate people and what to say in relationships, especially to younger people. I don’t think it’s always conscious, but a lot of 40 something men and women have a solid air of desperation. I was there- I dated garbage men so far beneath me in an attempt to have “someone”. Now I don’t even care, so I have a couple of younger guys for sex, and one guy my age who I keep arms length as a friend while he figures himself out. Yup, I am totally emotionally unavailable, but I recognize that so do not pursue relationships and am very upfront with men. It is the rare man who will be that honest about their intentions with a younger woman.
Liz Lemon
I really don’t understand why you’re so desperate to be “friends” with a guy who ignored 3 messages from you in a month, and gave a very terse reply to the 4th message you sent a month later. What is the appeal in having a friendship with someone like that? Why are you chasing this guy?
Kaye, Anon and Newbie have given you really good advice. You’re kidding yourself if you think you can be “friends” with this guy and not get emotionally invested in having hope for a relationship (which will keep you unavailable for a real relationship with someone your age). And when he starts dating a woman his own age, your “friendship” will abruptly end, believe me.
You mentioned wishful thinking in your last comment. This is totally wishful thinking. It will not turn out the way you are fantasizing it will be.
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