He went skinny dipping but no "touchy feely" involved

Vivian,
You should definitely continue to come here with updates and for support.

You are young, but much more mature than your boyfriend IMO.

I am honestly concerned by his response. For a few reasons:

a) he didn’t seem to have any regard for how this made you feel. I’m not saying he has to beg forgiveness, but I didn’t hear any acknowledgement of his feelings for you and this situation.
b) When a guy says “this is how I am, if you don’t like it feel free to leave” that is him saying he will not change, and how you feel about this “is secondary or not at all important”. Yes, we all need healthy boundaries, and should not surrender who we are just because we are in a relationship, but I am feelilng a lack of respect for you.
c) he sounds like all he cares about are his opinions and needs-that doesn ‘t make for a loving and healthy environment

My BF and I were both a bit wild and crazy when we were younger, and have done stuff like skinny dipping. But I can tell you, when we got together we had the talk about our expectations and needs in the relationship. We both agreed that we would not be comfortable with the other getting naked in front of others.

If we are going to be crazy, it will be with each other. For us it is a matter of mutual respect. We do not telll each other what to do, or not to do. We just have a very open line of communicaton. If something within reason would bother the other, we try not to do it.

But we both have our own lives (friends and activities that we enjoy separate from one other), and we respect and trust each other enough to encourage lives that intertwine all of that, as well as time apart.

I respect that some here don’t view this issue ass a big deal. For me it would be. But the bigger deal (and a deal breaker for me) would have been his reply to this situation.

I think you sound great, but I don’t think he is a good match for you. Sounds to me like you could do much better than him.

Wow, no one can fun today!

Honestly, he was with two friends, a guy and girl where they were having some carefree fun! I’ve gone skinny dipping in my earlier years with friends and there was nothing sexual about it,.

I loved living in Europe as they don’t make a big deal or fuss about nudity, its natural and body parts are just body parts—we all have them. A man is going to do what he’s going to do and if this behavior is intolerable to you, then your probably not compatible.

Even though the whole incident has been upsetting, reading the responses and advices has been encouraging:) thank you very much!

He hasnt texted back since yesterday. I know I shouldn’t text him and am not going to, butt I would like to know if you have an idea for how long will he stay like this? It means he is taking this matter much more seriously and probably sees me as a bossy GF.

I have to pipe in here. He has an easy proposal to make to try and solve things…how about I won’t go skinny dipping without you in the future….

Having a value system or boundaries is not being bossy. If the situation were reversed and he had told you he did not like that you were drinking and then went skinny dipping with some friends would you think he was a “bossy” boyfriend?

Don’t blame yourself for having different values…it goes two ways….he also has different values than you…no blame…just a difference. This is where negotiation takes place.

As to how long he will be out of touch…I don’t know…he is thinking about things and probably realizing that he has to consider your feelings on subjects or the two of you won’t work. I would give him space to calm down and think rationally…at least a few days.

Yes, it would’ve been wiser to wait for him to initiate contact.

You’ve done your part. Don’t be too hard on yourelf.

Now, hold on loosely, give him time and space to think about what you said. No more contact.

While you do that, focus on getting better. He may or may not want to come to a mutual agreement with you on this, so be prepared if that happens. Be ready to let go should he choose to leave. Convicing him is not an option.

You’re a smart girl. You know what you want. You’ll be fine however this turns out. Sending you hugs this Valentines

Vivian,

You made your bed, now you need to lie in it. This is why I told you to chill out on this and said it was a no win to bring it up. I do not think you did anything horrible, but from the very beginning of this issue, it was clear you were not on the same page. I would never promise any boyfriend that I was dating I would not skinny dip in a group, and if he insisted, I would say, this is your issue, let’s deal with it. I would care about his opinion, but it is unlikely, I would agree to change.

I will be clear, I do not think this is the man for you. You don’t like his behavior and he told you he is who he is. He is not going to come around, because he simply does not care, and you trying and trying and trying to explain your side and that you want to work on it is turning a pretty harmless night into a big drama. He already said – take it or leave it. So take it or leave it. Not take it, but only if I can keep harping on it. You will never win like that.

Now, this was your boundary, and that is fine, but you needed to be prepared to walk, not to then negotiate. This is why I pushed you on if it was that important to you.

Please for your own sake, back off. you can’t win by talking about this more.

I apologized for being dramatic and I ended up being even more dramatic and making it a greater deal than it is. This relationship is/was important to me and I really wanted to work it out with him. I really wish I was able to think of it that way, but having sex while intoxicated is not new news with him. I wish I was able to see it the way you did, Talllady.

I feel I have screwed up alot (sorry for the term) and the impact is already done and there is absolutely no way to fix anything up. We are compatible in million other ways.Fine, I dont want him to apologise, I just want to move past this.

Vivian,

I’m sorry this is how it turned out. I know you are hurting. We’ve all been there.

Honestly, I don’t think what you did was wrong. But a litle more communication and negotiation skills could be of use. Maybe you can improve on that. I suggest getting some books that could help you on those skills.

Please don’t contact him anymore. I understand you want him to work it out with you, but you cannot control his behavior. I do think he already made himself clear that he’s not going to change: take it or leave it. Do you want to take it as is? Are you OK with this behavior if it happens again? I honestly think you don’t, and saying yes just so this could work out will just cause bigger problems in the future.

If I’m wrong, wait until he does initiate contact, mirror his actions and don’t bring up the issue anymore.

I would also take the time to seriously think if this is the guy you truly want to be in a relationship with. Someone who likes parties, booze, and crazy things. He is still in that stage of his life and he has made himself clear that he’s not going to make adjustments just becauae you don’t like it.

Only you can decide if this is the relationship you want.

You learned something new about him that you did not know before – that on certain issues he will not take your feelings into consideration if he thinks it is unwarranted. This is who you are working with and he will not change.

Either you can accept it or not.

Sending love and hugs.

I can see why you’d be upset but also what if you had been in his shoes? If all your friends were going skinny dipping and you had no romantic intent with any of them, would you sit there and not join the fun because you have a boyfriend? There’s no right or wrong answer but it sounds like he had a fun night and didn’t really do anything wrong. But it’s really your choice where your boundaries lie.

Sorry I meant -I don’t think you did anything wrong. Stupid phone