Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He won't commit
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Cas78.
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Cas78
Hi Everyone,
I have a super complicated situation I can use some advice on. My BF (61yo) and I (42yo) have been together now for about 2 years. The entire time we’ve had an open relationship as when we met, we both we’re out of long term relationships and had no desire to dive right back into something serious. He was married for 28 years and has 3 grown children. I was married 12 years with no kids. He was always clear from the beginning that he couldn’t commit and didn’t want a monogamous relationship in any way, so the open relationship worked great for a long time. But as time passed, we sort of naturally became partners and I was considered his primary GF, and he introduced me as much…well, as his GF, not his primary GF, lol. We did everything together, spent every weekend together, I lived with him for a while during the pandemic. He met my family and friends, I met his son and became great friends with his friends. I went on work trips with him, went to business dinners, and got to know his work colleagues. So for all intents and purposes, we were a committed and loving couple in an open relationship. This was until he started dating a woman he cared about and started spending a lot of time with. I didn’t mind at first. That was the point of our type of relationship. But after a few months, she started pressuring him for a commitment. He told her no, he wasn’t interested, and they broke up. SEVERAL times. They’d break up almost every time they saw each other (according to him), but continued on seeing each another. The final time they hung out, my BF called me beforehand to assure me I was still #1 and I had nothing to worry about. He was breaking up with her for good and we could move on making our summer plans, etc. The following day after their “break up”, he tells me he needs a “break” (remember friends, Ross and Rachel, just like that). He said he wasn’t breaking up with me, but needed some time to figure out what his future looks like. He also went to a friends funeral recently and it brought up old feelings for his ex-wife and he needs to decide if he wants to go back to her (an ongoing issue for him all throughout our relationship). He went on to say he can’t truly commit to anyone and he needs to figure out why. He does love me but can’t love me the way I need him to…which is ridiculous because I was happy and a “great GF” (his words) until the other woman showed up. Anyway, in 24 hrs, he went from what are we doing next weekend?, to leave me alone I don’t want anyone right now and need some time off. Of course I’m super confused and depressed. I just don’t know what happened and feel a fool for sticking around to this point where I am leaning towards fully breaking up because I know where I am in my heart with him, but he’s just so damned confused it makes my head spin!Gaia
I think you are being played. Just a personal opinion though.
What is this man offering you that has you clinging to him?I’m not knocking open relationships. I have friends who have them and the #1 thing is trust/commitment when it comes to their primary BF/GF. It seems like you haven’t even established that with this guy.
He is old enough to know exactly what he wants and how to get it. He’s keeping you on the hook while playing into the drama with the other woman because she is demanding he step up or step off. Which she has every right to do and she probably doesn’t know you exist. He needs time to make a decision but wants you on the hook just in case it doesn’t work out.
Newbie
Your title says it all, he wont commit. He wont. And even if the open part of the relationship was fine by you at first, now youre not even sure what you are to him. Second woman seems to have a strong hold on him and even ex wife comes back in the mix. For me this would be a sign to just call it quits. It was fine while it lasted, you had something to gain from it too but now he is just a man who holds you off.
Maybe its time to look in the mirror and see how you are on being healed after the divorce and go look for some green grass yourself.Raven
I’m sorry… You knew where he stood from the beginning of your ‘relationship.’
He continued to reinforce how he wanted the ‘relationship’ to progress (not progressing into a real relationship).
If you want a real relationship, this guy’s not the one to give it to you.
And, he’s not confused…
AngieBaby
Straight talk… you really can’t put this on him. You agreed to this arrangement. As you say, he’s been very clear from the beginning with you that he cannot and will not commit to you in a monogamous relationship. You are not his priority and in fact you are now #3 behind this other woman and his ex. There’s nothing confusing. It’s a common occurrence in “open relationships” for someone to change their mind and want monogamy while the other one still does not.
Bottom line: he isn’t going to give you what you want. It’s time to leave this situation behind before you get your heart broken further. Obviously you now want someone who can be monogamous with you and you need to clear yourself of this man so you can have that.
Erin
Hey, lets buy him that tacky purple pimp suit with the leopard print collar, tacky dollar sign chain, a feathered fedora with a cane😅😅.
Okay sooo
“He does love me but can’t love me the way I need him to…which is ridiculous because I was happy and a “great GF”” (his words)
His utterances leave no room for misinterpretation, he loves you/likes you but can’t give you what you need, which is a commitment.
” He also went to a friends funeral recently and it brought up old feelings for his ex-wife and he needs to decide if he wants to go back to her (an ongoing issue for him all throughout our relationship)”
He’s still in love/not over his ex wife. You don’t want a man still holding the candle for his ex wife.
” Anyway, in 24 hrs, he went from what are we doing next weekend?, to leave me alone I don’t want anyone right now and need some time off”
Drama king much?
*He’s in love with his ex wife, hasn’t healed from his divorce yet and can’t commit to anyone because of that.
*He blows hot and cold on women, including his ex wife (she dodged a bullet that one)
*is a commitment phobe and has an ego the size of Texas and has selfish tendencies,everything is all on his terms, even with that other woman.
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Ah Cas, I think you have now transitioned from the post divorce phase, he was what you needed at the time, now, not so much.It’s alright to let him go now, he was there when you needed someone and thank him for that. It’s time to move on and figure out what you want next. Some connections are seasonal and it’s not good to choose comfort zones and familiarity over growth.
Don’t fall in the same old patterns and habits and don’t allow anyone to draw you in those vicious cycle.
Peace
Newbie
I am just wondering if you had other lovers as well
Maddie
Sometimes people imply that they are temporarily emotionally unavailable because of a setback in their lives (such as a rough divorce), and it can be easy to take them at their word because we like to assume people know themselves and are honest with themselves and others. However, over time, it can become obvious that the “setback” was part of a deeper, more permanent pattern. It sounds like when this started, you were in a more temporary mindset where you were not ready for a full commitment after your divorce, and maybe you assumed he was in the same boat and might grow with you over time. But now you’re seeing that he’s shown you all he has to offer, and it’s not circumstantial. His fears probably contributed to tanking his marriage in the first place, rather than were brought about by its failure. I think this entire thing is related to his personal issues, not the other women getting in the way, and he’s full of the same excuses that kept him from dealing with his issues all the way into his 60s.
All you can do is assume things will stay as they are and decide if this is still what you want. It’s okay to change your mind from where you started, but you can’t expect him to match where you are on your journey, unfortunately. If you’re not seeking a relationship where you’re either the primary or monogamous and you want to stay with him, maybe that works. But if you’re wanting more, you may want to let go, give yourself a bit of time, and start dating again so you can find someone who matches the life stage you’re at now. It won’t be this man, at BEST he’s shown you that he deals with stress and adversity by shutting down and turning away from you instead of towards you for connection. Is that really what you want to deal with in a partner in the long term?
tammy
agree with the posters. it was good while it lasted. now time to move on. besides you must have healed from your divorce. this is getting too crowded, uncertain and will reek of drama! do your self a favor. say goodbye and all the best to him.
Cas78
Thanks everyone for the insight. I think Maddie has it well figured out, that it really isn’t about the other women, but deep emotional flaws that keep him from a real and true connection with another HUMAN. To provide more insight, his marriage failed because he had an agreement with his wife that he could use a hall pass from time to time so long as she didn’t find out. Well, she did, and this lead to a nasty and pain ridden divorce. So he has a lot of guilt around this and feels like he let the hall pass situation get out of control. But with all this said, he even now admits that he never felt a real and true connection with her or any other woman in his life. So deep seeded and long standing emotional issues for sure. And yes the other women did know about me. I read most of his texts to them (of course with his permission) and their responses as well. He was also forthcoming with his feelings for them, if they developed, and we would talk through this together and discuss how it impacted our relationship. So he’s not really that big a player, lol. And often times we would date the same people together, the solo dating wasn’t a really common occurrence. And yes, I did have other lovers as well, and still do have long standing relationships with others. There was no expectation that I remain only committed to him. With all this said, Maddie has a good point that I know need to work out if I can continue to accept him where his is or pursue something more traditional, safe, and SANE. I am currently still dating and it’s only a matter of time before I meet someone I really want to be with. But until then, I have to work out if I still want him in my life…
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