Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He won't let me break it off with him
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
Lil.
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lil
I’m not sure how to handle this as it’s not something that I have had to deal with before.
I have been involved with a man that is in an open relationship. (Legitimate open, not a married man pretending to be open just to clarify, I spoke to his wife he does her own thing as well)
We have been dating for 18 months and it was during this time I was going through my divorce so I guess I was both naive in a way and also what he was offering me suited me as I was not really emotionally available or ready for a proper relationship. I have called off things with this guy several times but he always seems to convince me to keep up the contact and then we resume things as normal. We go out on a Saturday night.
I don’t have good family support, my childhood was not a good one. I have close friends etc but no one that is really there for me like family or a partner would be.
This man has always been there and takes this role happily. A bit like hat aunt or uncle that bends over backward to give you things that you need.Though the COVID crisis we haven’t been able to see one another and to be honest I haven’t missed him. I have found his constant texting and wanting to talk on the phone to be something that I do not really feel like doing. I’m very introverted and I get overwhelmed easily so running my own business and homeschooling my daughter etc is taking all of my energy.
I rang him and told him that this relationship is no longer working for me, that I feel different and I no longer want to date anyone at the moment. He wasn’t happy, he felt as we didn’t have a fight there was no need to break up. I told him that I don’t want to be in any type of relationship at all at the moment but when I do I feel that I deserve more than being with someone else husband. He kept arguing the point, I told him I felt he wasn’t listening to what I’m saying , that I appreciated him but I felt it was time to move on.
He has shown up to my house twice, the second time was after he asked to come over to watch a movie with me and I said no, that I had plans. He showed up anyway. I’m now dismayed to have found myself talked into being friends only. He told me sex wasn’t important but he cannot bear to not have me in his life. He just keeps talking to me and I somehow shift my boundaries. I feel down today after being happy that I broke it off. He just keeps texting the good morning good night texts. I don’t reply but he keeps texting then finally if I don’t reply he turns up on my doorstep even though he lives over an hour’s drive away. We are both in our mid-40s.
Sorry for the long post, I feel cruel if I block him and then I think maybe I’m being harsh if I ignore his let’s just friends. I’ve never had a guy that it’s this hard to call things off with. He just keeps texting and calling and showing up then I feel obligated to talk to him if he is on my doorstep after driving for 1.5 hours.
Should I just be grateful that someone is wanting to be there for me?
Tallspicy
I’m going to say this harshly so you get it. This is not a him problem this is a you problem. You seem to have no ability to actually have any boundaries which I’m sure is not only an issue in this part of your life.
You need to be clear with him that you do not want him contacting you anymore and if he shows up at your home you’re going to call the police. If he has any problems with that then call the police. The issue is is that you keep allowing him to come back which means that he thinks if he keeps pushing that he’ll get what he wants. This is what you say:
Bob I am not interested in any relationship with you. I know that that will feel unkind and unfair, but we have already been down this path, and I was clear about my feelings. I will no longer be engaging with you… your texts will be blocked and any visits to my home will be met with a police visit and a restraining order. I am asking you nicely to abide by my decision.
Or simply block him, if he shows up, call the police.
If you feel it is harsh, then stop complaining and just be friends with him.
Newbie
I remember your earlier posts about the same issue. Im glad you are finally done. This is really something. Its all about him. Just because he feels there is no reason to break up, you shouldnt. So he has zero regards for your feelings. Isnt that enough To know you have to break up? Be firm for once for yourself and get out of this. You didnt even want to be a part of an open relation.
Jo
I had a person like this harass me in exactly the same way. I just blocked him and left a note on the door saying if he knocked I would call the police as I found his harassment intimidating. He gave up pretty quickly.
Unlike you however, it never crossed my mind I owed him something when he drove round after I told him not to. In fact, I was really angry that he came to my door after I had specifically told him not to. I saw his behaviour as controlling and abusive. I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t see it like that.
It’s not cruel or harsh to ignore someone after you’ve told them to leave you alone. What is cruel is to harass someone. He is an adult, he has to grow up and accept we don’t always get what we want and that he can’t just bully people until he gets his own way. If he drives a long way to see someone who has made it clear he’s not welcome that’s his problem not yours.
Jo
One more point, your title “he won’t let me break it off”. You don’t need his permission. Surely you understand that?
Liz Lemon
I understand that you have a history with this guy and he’s been there for you. However you don’t owe him anything, and you don’t have to be “grateful” that he won’t let go. It’s perfectly OK to end a relationship, and not have a friendship, with someone– even if that person has generally treated you well. You have the right to decide you don’t want him in your life. And it’s not being cruel to assert your boundaries.
It doesn’t sound to me like he “wants to be there” for you. I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. He’s not driving 1.5 hours out of care for you; he’s doing it for himself. It’s all about him and his needs. If he cared for you, he would respect your boundaries. So don’t feel guilty about turning him away from your doorstep.
You came here looking for people to tell you it’s OK to end this. We’re telling you: IT’s OKAY. You’re not cruel, or wrong. You need to assert what you want, and if he can’t listen, get the authorities involved, as others have already mentioned. If you continually cave in to him, he will just keep harassing you and wearing you down until you give in.
kaye
No you should not just be grateful he’s stalking you!!! Certainly he knew you were coming off a divorce, and that’s the only reason you agreed to this type of relationship. Because you weren’t emotionally available and had a lot to work through yourself. He couldn’t have expected this to go on forever. Now that you want a proper relationship you are calling it off. The fact you haven’t missed him at all should tell you this is the right decisions. You told him exactly how you felt, you deserve more than being with someone’s husband and that’s all you have to say. Don’t let him bully you into something you don’t want. If it were me I would tell him it’s over and I am blocking him. If he comes to the house you will not engage or open the door and you will call the police that he is harassing you. Do what you need to do for yourself and your child. You have no obligation to continue a relationship you don’t want.
Bebe182
I’m sorry but this is not healthy, he’s not even respecting your boundaries. If he really cared for you, he wouldn’t show up at your doorstep when you have asked him not to come over. He sounds like a very selfish man, and I think you are right in breaking it off with him. I think you need to be more firm and blunt with him, you need to tell him if he shows up at your doorstep you simply won’t answer the door or you will call the cops since that is harassment. Also tell him not to text you anymore otherwise you will be forced to block him. Blocking him is not harsh, lots of couples who break amicably even do it so that they’re able to move on.
Shyraua
This sounds like a situation a friend of mine is in too. I think it’s not healthy at all.
Lil
Thanks everyone, you all gave really great advice.
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