Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Help, A married man, open relationship confusion
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Dangerouse.
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Lil
I’m after some advice and perspective on this.
I’ve been seeing a man that I met on a dating site for 18months. We are both mid 4os. I was going through a divorce of a 20 year relationship. So I was just wanting to meet people, go out and see what was out there. I was always clear with my dates with what was going on in my life. I realise now that I was using dating to distract myself from what was a painful time in my life. I was in no way ready for a relationship. To top it off I’m very introverted and I need a lot of time on my own so dating like this worked for me. I didn’t realise it at the time but I had no room for a proper relationship one where you start building a life together but I was happy with movies, drinks and meeting people.
When I met this man and he told me that he was also separated, we clicked and decided to meet. By date 3 I had started to wonder if his marriage status was true, he told they live on seperate levels of the house. They were staying together for the kids, so no not separated but close enough to it. I was getting drawn into a connection with him but the closer I got the more I realised that what he told me about his married life was a mis truth. They are a married couple, like they go out to dinner together, watch movies together etc. They aren’t living in the same house for the children ( they have 4 houses ) that they own and rent out like he said they could live seperatly.
So what they do have is a marriage where they both go out on dates, she dates multiple people he has struggled to find dates as he said it’s hard to find a woman that is ok with dating in this way. She is still dating different men, he is only dating me ( or so he tells me) he also maintains that he and his wife do not share a bed or have s ex. I find this so hard to believe but he insists it’s true. I’m monogamous. I have never met her but I have heard her through a door, so knows that I exsist. She has bought gifts for me and my children, they have never met. He has bought me expensive items that I needed like a new computer etc.as presents. We see each other most Saturday nights when I don’t have my daughter. He has been there for me when I was sick, when I needed a friend, he is in constant contact. I have broken it off with him once before and he has begged and harassed me until I take him back.
I have wanted to end the relationship so many times but there is something about him that makes it so hard to do. He isn’t my type at all, but there is something that convinced me to stay in this situation. I am aware that there are many open couples and Poly couples, but he never sold it to me like this. It’s like he odmits information and then convinces me it’s ok, that I’m ok with it.
I was ok as I have a great time with him, he is always there for me but I was carefully not to get too attached. But over this holiday period he has done a few things, that have made me realise that it triggers anxiety in me. I am attached. His wife asked him to change his plans with me today as she wants to go out today with the family. I don’t mind but it means that I don’t get to see him until Saturday. She calls the shots and that is understandable, but I feel lied to and our relationship has to work around his wife.
I pulled back about a month ago, I said I needed a bit of space and I would be a bit quiet today. I was driving so I couldn’t pick up when he called. He blew up my phone ringing and texting. It was an hour long drive for an app that I had to go straight into. He was furious. He said after all I have done for you!
Anyway this is starting to sound like drama. I enjoy this man being there for me, I love our outings but I can’t help feeling somehow manipulated. I don’t want his money or gifts. I want to believe that he isn’t sleeping with his wife like he swears doesn’t happen but I just don’t. He told me they didn’t have sex for two years at one stage. but she dates for sex and nice dinners. Where he sleeps is downstairs in what he calls our room, but he dresses and showers upstairs. Does anyone else find this weird?
Feel free to call me a fool. I am, but I’m finding it very hard to remove myself from this situation. I’m not sure why. Or should I just go hey it’s an open relationship he just wasn’t upfront about it at the start? Being with him leaves me feeling confused.
Raven
Is this really the relationship you want?
A man who is married to another woman?Paige
You are his supply.
Paige
Honey, he sounds like a narcissist.
Lil
I’ve never wanted a relationship with a married man. I would never have an affair with a man. The fact that they are open doesn’t change the fact that it’s still secretive though he open holds my hand in public. I feel confused and torn.
Newbie
This is trully simple: if you dont want a relationship with a married man and you dont want to have a casual affair but with this man you have both of what you dont want, then just stop. This guy will never give you what you want long term. Would him not sleeping with his wife really be enough for you to stay? I agree he does sound a bit over the top but that doesnt mean he is good for you. Just stop, calm down, take some time for yourself and really ask yourself what you want p
Tallspicy
You are to blame for this and he is not taking advantage of you. Here is why:
A. He was not honest to start and you stayed
B. When he was honest-ish you stayed
C. You stayedIf you want something different then either a. Have an adult convo or b. Leave him. But right now you are playing games with this pull back.
Raven
“I feel lied to and our relationship has to work around his wife.“
Well duh, he’s married!
Honeypie
He sleeps downstairs in a room he calls ‘our room. So you’ve stayed there ? In ‘our room’ ?
This is driving you nuts because it would most women. You can either be part of this or you can’t, but it won’t change. This will be your life if you stay with him. Do you want that?
glasses
You only know what he told you. If he has an open relationship with his wife, and you want to continue with him (for whatever reason, it’s up to you) then you should be able to contact the wife with his permission and ask her what the rules are.
I don’t beleive him either. I think he’s twisting it to his benefit.
You sound very insightful of your own needs and issues with what you’re going through and what you’re doing to deal (or not deal) with them. Listen to your gut and do what’s best for YOU.
Good luck friend. :)
Lil
Glasses thank you – You all have good points –
I met him for dinner last night it was good as usual but he brought up a few things. He wanted to know how I saw us in 2020. He said he felt like I might be ending it. Felt like because I asked him to use condoms after not using them for most of our relationship that we were no longer close. That we can’t be close if we are using condoms.
I also asked if he had started sleeping with his wife again and he said no not yet, and replied that when she decides to make a move it’s up to her.
He gave me an easy out as he said he feels like I want to but I’m too nice.
He handed me an out and I’m still fence sitting and I don’t understand why ?
Gordo
The duse is on the rebound and you are buying his b.s. let the guy go
Anon
A man in a miserable situation would leave if he wanted to and he has not. He’s getting something out of the marriage that keeps him in this relationship. You are going to be quite devastated if you want more than this strange situation. He’s not looking to change the current situation as it works for him. I see only pain in your future- sorry.
Raven
I will ask you this question again-
Is this really the relationship you want?
A man who is married to another woman?Lil
Anon- he has been quiet open that he will always remain with his wife and children. He isn’t heading for divorce, this isn’t a secret affair but rather I’m a girlfriend and he also has a wife that he lives with etc. He was on the dating site as single as he said most women wouldn’t be interested. But as I write this I’m thinking ok so he was just after sex with women and he found himself in a relationship with me. But his profile was of a single man looking for a relationship. So complete lies. I’ll sit with that for a moment. Even if he was single I wouldn’t want to have a serious relationship with him, we are far too different in our interests and values.
Raven -no. But I have a history of being with men who don’t value me. 20 years in a marriage where I knew he wasn’t romantically interested in me. Friends, lovers and shared interests and values but he wasn’t romantically interested in me so he was always looking to fall in love with someone. We divorced 2 years ago. He fell in love again and I said it enough. So This man is showing me romantic interest. He is giving me what ever I have been missing. But I can’t help sometimes getting the eerie feeling that this is what he knows I want so he gives it to me to keep me.
redcurleysue
Since you are filling your time with him you do not have someone of your own. You deserve better but until you realize that this type of thing will keep happening to you. You are of very great value…very great value.
Anon
I’m sure there are benefits to being with this man or you wouldn’t be with him. The downside is you will not be a priority and you may possibly be limiting yourself to unrequited love instead of the real thing. Best of luck
relaxy taxi
“Feel free to call me a fool. I am, but I’m finding it very hard to remove myself from this situation. I’m not sure why. Or should I just go hey it’s an open relationship he just wasn’t upfront about it at the start? Being with him leaves me feeling confused. ”
He’s married. The end.
Raven
“I have a history of being with men who don’t value me.”
& sadly, here you are again…Colleen
This started out with some possiblity.
But it’s been 18 months you say. Oh, god.
You ain’t getting any younger. I’m 58, babe, so I suggest you find somebody with a future before your body literally, and I literally mean literally, dries up. Get it?
anon
“He was on the dating site as single as he said most women wouldn’t be interested. ”
Yes, he is right. Most women do not want to date married men because 1. it is easy and simpler to find sex only with single men and 2. if it becomes more, 99 times out of 100 the single woman ends up upset and confused.
And he is the worst kind of online time waster (I bet he has a profile up right now)….
Lil
Update and help –
I really want to end this situation.
I’m meant to be staying at his place this weekend but I don’t want to keep doing this dating a married man thing anymore. After our talk last weekend where he felt like I was pulling away a bit and him wanting to know if I still wanted to be with him in 2020 I should have said no, but I just can’t seem to cut the ties. He gets really upset, but I can’t help feeling like this this the end for us.
I felt like this last weekend as well and I ended up going and had a great time, But I”m having such a hard time just saying I just don’t want to do this anymore. He keeps begging me to stay until I find someone else that is available be with.
I would just like to send a text and say sorry but I can’t do this anymore, but another part of me just wants to make excuses for a few weeks and pull away. I have ended it twice in the 18months but he ends up loosing it and blowing up my phone and driving to my town begging and crying. This scares me but also makes me relent.
I know I just want to be left alone to be able to reconnect with friends and myself. I have had difficult childhood and a marriage where I wasn’t valued so his kindness and being there for me has hooked me in deep.
Help.
alia
Cut it off and start therapy for yourself. Cut it off and block all numbers and emails. You sound codependent. See if you can get therapy for yourself at least once a week. It will do wonders.
redcurleysue
You will leave him when you want more and he cannot provide it. Right now you feel part is better than nothing….but the pain catches up with the reality of the situation and you know this is not what you really want. It is a place to hide.
Newbie
I was also thinking you should get some therapy. You are clearly too deep in with this man to break it off on your own. Probably for the reason you are saying that this man is giving you attention and care. I do like to point out that this man doesnt act like he loves you. Its seems to be more sexual for him and maybe because his wife is not into him atm.
I really hope you realize soon you will be happier on your own for a while at least, where you can just do your own things. Remember what you said yourself: you didnt want to be a side chick and you dont want to do casual. This man asks you to stay until you find someone else. Thats casual. I also agree with anon that he probably has profiles up on dating sites. Take care -
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