Help, A married man, open relationship confusion

You need to establish better boundaries and de-priortize this relationship. Decide you want to spend time with friends and hobbies. Once you do that and step away from being so intertwined in his life will you be able to see things as they are instead of a fantasy. Begin a journal to figure out where your insecurities are coming from. It works because you will begin to put yourself first instead of this man.

If telling him the truth doesn’t work, I would tell him that you are interested in something else and not him. I would send a letter or email rather than a method that allows an immediate response. I don’t think doing it in person will work as people like him cannot take no for an answer unless it’s their idea.

Then if he continues to bother you about trying to get back together, tell him you will be cutting off all contact and block him.

If you must block his number to make this easier or threaten to file a restraining order if he shows up at your home or place of work then don’t be afraid to tell him that.

How about :

Married Man,
I am no longer interested in dating a married man. I’d like to focus on myself and finding someone who can fully commit to me.
Thank you,
Lil

Also, as you feel guilt about breaking up with this guy, recognize that in all likelihood, the day his wife decided this was a no go or the day he found someone “different”, he would not have one ounce of guilt for dumping you.

There are other men who will be kind to you. Even if you are not ready for a real relationship, you can find other “situations” with men who are kind and supportive.

Update –

I decided to take advantage of my daughter being with her dad for a week holiday by spending a week in solitude on my own. I’m very introverted. I’ve been struggling with depression and to me this is the perfect reset. I also wanted to see how I felt not being in contact with him for the week. I’ve got to make a decision on what I want to do in this relationship that Im very conflicted by. So I explained to him over text that I will be going away for a week and doing no technology so no phone calls, texts etc to reset myself for the year. I explained that I haven’t been feeling well in myself and needed to do this. Though the white lie was that I was staying home but if I told him that he would just want to visit. I just wanted alone time, a week alone for me is heaven. I did this over text as when we are in person or over the phone I somehow dissociate and get apologetic and agreeable.

His initial response was to give him back something that he lent me and I was to leave it at the front door and he would collect it. I said no ( we live nearly an hour and a half apart ) I said I would post it back and he said no I wasn’t to do this I was to leave it for him to come and pick up. We spoke on the phone later that night and he seemed fine with it and said he understood. I told him that I would be in touch with him on Tuesday. So the second day of my week alone I was having breakfast and I look up to see him walking in my garden! Instead of going to work he drove for over 70km. I was so angry that he showed up. He said he wanted to make sure I was ok. he said he was very surprised that I was home as he didn’t expect that I would be there but wanted to make sure I was ok as I had said that I was not feeling the best.

I let him in and told him that it was unacceptable to just show up. I told him that I needed this time alone. He said he understood but can’t bear to go a day without contacting me but he agreed to leave me alone for the week, and that he understood. He has since sent me texts, I haven’t opened them.

After having this time away 4 days do far the depression has lifted and I feel at peace. Him showing up has creeped me out . I’m now wondering why if he didn’t expect me to be there and then why come? I think my decision will be to end this on Tuesday but I somehow feel guilty in doing so. Was him showing up unexceptable? He didn’t know that I was depressed more I was tired and needing a break. He doesn’t seem to know how to give me space,

Lil,You’ve been married before so you can only imagine how this sounds,right?..I say you should move in with them & you guys should all be one happy family since you dont mind sharing..What I’d like to know is what are going to do when girlfriend #2 surfaces,& trust me she will..

Not creepy. He got a vibe that you are lying to him, which you were, so he came by. This is what happens when everyone abandons themselves. You and him.

I do not think this man is a sociopath. I think you are armchair psych 101 to justify why you should end it. Cold eyes does not a pscho make. Extreme self importance and lying do as do harsh actions without caring for others. Being poly does not make him any of those things.

This man has done nothing wrong and he has not lied to you.

Own your own bullhonkey which is you chose a man who was clear that he could not give you what you claim to want. You chose it. And you are not leaving it.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this guy is not really doing anything wrong.

So many posts on this forum are NOT about the man at all. Even if this dude is a creeper — what matters is YOU. I agree you’ll do something final when you’re ready to do it. When you stop living in a fantasy and want something authentic and be BRAVE to be alone even when you don’t want to be, and get real with YOU. He will be a memory. Not worth another typed word.

What redcurlysue said all day long.
Take heart. Nearly all of us here have had something we felt we just couldn’t walk away from! Our newer, healthier, better selves look back and sigh. Keep working at it. Bit by bit.

thank you to those that have offered kind and thoughtful advice…