Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Help! Do I admit feelings for friend with benefits?
- This topic has 6 replies and was last updated 3 years, 2 months ago by
Lane.
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Tallulah
I know its so stereotypical, but I think I want more from my friend with benefits. I also know that I probably should just walk away because I really don’t think he sees me in that way, but there is a nagging in my head about whether I should say anything.
We have had a fwb relationship for about 18 months and he has honestly become like my best friend. We see each other at least 3 or 4 times a week – and not just for benefits. We will often just have dinner together, watch a film, go shopping or to the cinema. If we don’t actually see each other we will talk on the phone every day (sometimes multiple times). We have met each others family and friends. He is the person that I feel like I can tell anything to and he has said he feels like he can talk to me about anything. We will often stay over at each others houses and just cuddle, and often spend whole weekends together.
BUT on the other hand, he is very open about the fact he is on all the dating sites, and often asks me for opinions about women he is talking to. I do the same to him with any guys that I am going on a date with.
He is very sure about what he wants in life and from a partner and I don’t think I meet this criteria. I would really like to try a proper relationship, but am terrified that if I say something I will lose my best friend. I know that I should probably just walk away (I think that is the advice I would give to others in this situation), as it is making me feel so down and miserable to see him talking to other girls and makes me question why I am not good enough. For some reason I can’t just leave it and keep going back.
What are other people’s opinions – for my own mental health should I walk away asap and make a clean break?
mama
If he is making you question why you aren’t good enough, that’s not really a good friend, is it?
You could lay all your cards out on the table and tell him what you want. But be 100% prepared to walk away if he is not receptive or able to give you what you want/need.
Or you can keep things to yourself and walk away anyway. I think you are at a tipping point regardless. You can’t continue like this and you need to put yourself first.
Raven
You will lose your ‘best friend’ as soon as the woman he’s been looking for enters his life…
AngieBaby
He has been VERY clear and honest with you that you are Miss Right Now and NOT Miss Right. So he’s not making you feel bad that you’re not good enough, you’re doing that to yourself. You are sticking around hoping he’ll see the light and change his mind. It’s obviously not going to happen since he’s openly dating others and even asking your opinion on them.
You’ve put yourself in a painful no-win situation and the good news about that is since you put yourself in it you can take yourself out of it. Now. Please reclaim your self esteem and break this off. It’s going to hurt and you will miss him, but as Raven said you are going to be history the moment he does meet Miss Right and that’s really going to suck. Rip the band-aid off now.
Dex
Raven, I gotta hand it to you, you cut through the bulls*** with a knife. That one single sentence is 100%. Seconding AB too.
Bottom line- you kinda already did lay all your cards on the table and reduce your value in this mans eyes to close to nothing since you’ll clearly tolerate being his bed warmer and security blanket with none of the sacrifices he’d have to make (other women) if he was actually exclusive with you.
I wouldn’t want this situation for all the money in the world, even if he did say “yes” in the end (which let’s face it, he won’t. I’d be astounded if he dropped everyone for you given the precedent you’ve set). Don’t you want someone who has eyes for you and *only* you?
Give yourself time to grieve once it’s over, and please don’t come back here with ‘but what if he does XYZ I didn’t tell you he did text me ‘good morning’ last week” or some version of that and just ignore everything we just said.
Tallulah
Thank you all so much for your comments – I know you are all 100% right. I am going to take a massive step back from the relationship – yes it will hurt now, but won’t be half as bad as if I carry on with this until he actually meets someone.
I know that he has done nothing wrong because he has been very upfront about it all. I have let myself get into this situation, and hopefully I will be strong enough to take myself out of it and stay out.
Lane
Tallulah, yes its going to hurt a lot, even for him because you have developed a solid “friendship” which is the foundation the two of you have built together, no differently than platonic friendships are built on. That’s the biggest loss you will both be feeling and only time apart will help those romantic feelings you have for him fade.
I don’t believe you have to lose your friendship though but you will need to take some time to detox from him, such as six months, and only re-engage if you’ve lost those romantic feelings and can just be platonic friends. We all know friendships go by the wayside when people enter into relationships and devote more of their time to their SO’s so it was bound to happen anyway. Heck, during your detox you could meet that special someone and make a new best friend :o)
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