Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Help – is he leading me on?
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 4 years ago by
T from NY.
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Lola
So here’s the story. I came out of a very long term (bad) relationship, was single for a year and then reconnected with an old friend/love interest. Over the last few weeks (6 or so) i’ve seen this guy a lot. When i see him, he is very flirty, very affectionate and all round amazing.
I thought everything was going fast, but good when he did the whole, ‘i dont know if i want a relationship’. He had led me to believe he did. Anyway, i said okay and left it at that. A couple of days later he was back in touch and seemingly picked up where we left off. This time however, he seems as affectionate in person but has definitely pulled back in terms of texting. He used to text me every morning when he got up etc. That has stopped.
I know the obvious thing would be to ask him, but given he seemed to panic a few weeks ago, i don’t want to sound needy and ask him where this is going. BUT i have pretty strong feelings for him and i am terrified he is going to hurt me.
Should also say im 99.9% sure he isn’t dating other people.Marti
If you want to know you’ve got to ask. Try to understand where he’s at mentally but make sure you know where YOU are. Are you willing/able to endure the confusion? Do you know his heart? What does your gut tell you?
Lola
My gut tells me he likes me but he’s holding back because he doesn’t want to get hurt….i wonder if I’m looking at it from an emotional woman’s point of view though and i rationalize my thoughts with the fact that he is a good guy, (i already know that – he wouldn’t cheat/lie), therefore wouldn’t be affectionate if he wasn’t into me…however, I know men are quite different to women!! I also worry that he knows we’re both in our mid 30’s and a serious relationship could be the ‘one’ at our age which is scary for some people. I guess you’re right though, without asking i won’t know.
Zoe
He ALREADY told you He doesn’t like you enough to have a relationship with you.
Why are you still entantaining him?lola
It wasn’t as cut and dry as that – he said he didn’t know what he wanted and felt like we were getting deep into a relationship fast – which we were because of lockdown making it far more intense than it would other wise be at this stage. I think he is worried about the commitment and that i might hurt him. I can’t really understand why he would get back in touch after i left it, if he wasn’t interested. We have no mutual friends and we hadn’t slept together so there was nothing from him really to gain by trying to see me again unless a few days of me backing off made him think he was too hasty. Its a minefield!
Newbie
You cant let him dictate your relationship with him. He told he he cant do it and comes back as the same flirt. This has nothing to do with you being needy but wth you spending your time and interest wisely. You can ask him if he has changed his opinion (but i think he hasnt) and it he didnt you have to take steps back. Dont let guys flirt with you when they dont want you. Make it clear to him, he can be in and if he doesnt want to, he is out as in, he will move on. Thats the only way to get out of these grey areas with non committal types. They count on you accepting breadcrumbs because you think it will lead to more (even if your brain is telling you he wont commit). Whether he is scared, burned or otherwise scarred does matter in the sense that you have to move on. Scared, burned or scarred guys get over their issues just fine when they meet the woman they really want. Im sorry but you have to accept youre not that woman
Newbie
I wrote flirt but i didnt mean that as in he is a player. Just that its more than friendship
Persephone
Think about it this way: are you more excited about someone who is wishy washy about your situation or very clearly into your situation?
He’s not going to go away as long as you give him attention. At the same time, he has been pretty clear (he softened it to avoid hurting you) that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Don’t feel bad about not hearing what he was really saying. Just make sure that you don’t settle for someone looking to have fun while passing the time. For what it’s worth, I’ve been here and wasted THREE long years bouncing back and forth with a “friend”. When I finally cut him out I met my current husband within a month. My husband was always very into me and clear about where we were headed. I never had to guess.
Don’t settle for having to guess. If he can’t have that hard conversation with you and get on the same page I’d bow out.
Tallspicy
If you continue with him, what you are telling him is that you will take whatever he dishes out and if it is less than great, he told you he could not give you more.
Interested and committed are not the same thing. Interested is not enough. Tell him to come back when he is sorted out. He came back to test the waters of what you will accept, which is anything at this point.
Lane
He told you he didn’t want a relationship but for some odd reason you are unwilling to believe him?
He likes you but isn’t in the position to offer you a relationship. The reason could be one or many and only drilling down to “why” will give you clarity. Both men and woman go through periods of their life where they just don’t want a relationship due to a variety of reasons from their life not being in order; still not over the last relationship; not willing to give up their freedom; not….fill in the blank.
I would stop ALL attempts at trying to change his mind as its futile when someone is set on it. If figuring out *the why* he doesn’t want to be in a relationship will give you the closure you need then ask him but you need to accept and respect whatever answer he gives you because its his truth.
Emily
I agree with Lane’s advice, with one small point on which I disagree. I would not ask him why. He is unlikely to tell you the whole truth, because telling someone the real reasons why you don’t like them is a painful interpersonal conversation most people would rather avoid. Even if he tells you something, you have no way of knowing if it’s the truth or he is trying to soften the blow. Closure is something you get for yourself by accepting he’s not the guy for you and moving forward without bitterness. You give that to yourself; it’s not something another person can give you.
Leave this guy alone. He’s not interested. The reasons don’t matter.
AngieBaby
“I don’t know what I want.” The six most unattractive words a man can say. And it’s usually a lie to let you down easy anyway.
I don’t know is the same as no. Only yes is yes. Anything less than yes is no. It’s really that simple. Stop making excuses and finding explanations for this guy’s skittish behavior. As others have said, when a guy is into you and wants to be with you, it’s clear.
I”m sure this man has good qualities but he’s not interested in you for real and at this point you are the one hurting you by turning a blind eye to the obvious and a deaf ear to what he’s told you straight up.
When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. The reasons don’t matter and I agree with Emily even if you ask you won’t get the truth. Guys hate it when they have to hurt a woman. They will just fade away to avoid an angry confrontation or desperate pleadings to fix the problems.
T from NY
What everyone said. Such good advice on this thread. And what AngieBaby said 100 percent
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