Help me find Clarity, I am in an affair with a married man!

My co-worker got married within the first year I started working for my company. I was the only member of staff who was not invited, we had no ill feelings towards each other prior to his marriage and none after his wedding. In my second year of employment for the company and less than a year after his wedding he started chatting with me a little more about discrepancies he noticed with my bf and I. My bf never paid me any attention and if he did it was to save face and this was becoming obvious to people around me without me having to say or act sad. I am not using my bf’s ill treatment as an excuse for what I’ve done.We also talked about how much women he has had and he always used to say that after he got married he hung up his cape and he gave it up. We grew fond of each other and he eventually started flirting and dropping lines. I always ignored him and even told him I’d never. He responded by saying he is persistent and he will get me.Was not inviting me to his wedding intentional? we never discussed it. Stupid me I know, he kissed me one day in his car while we were out to lunch and from then on he’s had me. It hurts my heart that I am head over heels hopelessly in love with this married man. We have sex atleast once a week. For christmas I asked him what he wanted, it was expensive but I got it not cause he asked cause I wanted to, he got me nothing. For my b day he got me nothing, again, I got him a present. He asked to borrow money which i turned down thinking he would leave but he didnt. He wasnt at work for a while recently and because I knew his financial situation I loaned him a little. Am I helping this man take care of his wife? It is known by all who are close to him that he is a womanizer. He tells me that he usually doesnt keep them around for as long as he has kept me, he loves his wife and he loves me but he will never leave his wife and that this affair was unplanned he just started noticing things about me he liked. I am physically not his type we both no this. We have had several disagreements but he keeps coming back for sex. In my gut I feel like he is getting sex elsewehere outside his marriage as well I feel certain of it but he says he has calmed down and only admits to the affair in which him and I are involved. He says I am like a drug to him and he is addicted. The sex is great, the best I’ve ever had but why does he keep coming back to me? Everytime I pull away he notices and makes himself present with the most flowery words and I get roped in again. Stupid me I know. I feel my mind saying he is a liar but my heart jumps right in again. He is there for me emotionally if I need him not 100% of course when the time is right for him to be he is. Ive always been a loner but he came around and snatched me up. I dont understand what is really going on. Is he just using me or does he actually really care and is trying to have the best of the two women he supposedly loves. Is he capable of love? My heart is broken and I feel as I just cant move forward from him. I have been searching for another job to get away. Last year he wasnt at work for a month or two and we still saw each other. Help me! He says that he loves me and sometimes acts like it but I dont know his lies from his truth I want to feel as if he is genuine and we do bicker and act like a couple would.We would have disagreements and always come back to each other. Recently for the first time he took me out to the gym with him which was close to his home during daylight, thats a risk. It seems like a lot of trouble to go through for sex from someone who isnt your type especially when he has candidates lining up to be with him on the side and he can get them easy.One night when I was sad he brought me chocolates and took me for a drive just to make me feel better no sex involved. He puts logical effort into it and he pays for the room most times, I spend more than I should and we often discuss matters which are important and sensitive but I often feel as if he has no heart, he isnt the type to be emotional and verbally express his love or feelings all the time and he doesnt like hugging but he gives in a little sometimes. He has never said I love you to my face or via phone call, Ive never heard him say the words but in his defense Ive never said them to him either. Its so confusing I can’t figure it out. I know that there will come a point when I will want more and he wont give it cause he loves his wife way more than he does me. I already feel like I want him more and more I can see myself having a child for this man. Help me! Why does he keep coming back? He wont leave his wife for me so why is he playing with me or why cant he stay away. He gets slightly upset at the thought of me and other guys he tries to hide it but it shows through a little. Is this man genuine or is he the best liar in the game?