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Newbie.
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Mary
Hi. I need some help please. I know people will judge me but please try to understand I tried to do the right thing.
I was working with a guy abd we had a platonic work relationship. He started crossing boundaries with me and touching me in a friendly way like my arm or whatever. I am in a relationship and he is married with no kids. Anyway it was very hard to work with him and when I tried to ignore him it made him chase me more. It got to the point where I had to tell him I had inappropriate feelings for him abd that I had no agenda but I needed to distance myself from him. He didnt take it too seriously and just said he was flattered. I apologised alot for it and explained I needed space and that it wasn’t something I wanted to act on.
Fast forward a few months and I thoighy I was ‘safe’ and over it and started chatting again whenever he was working with me. I was moving offices so thoighy I’m leaving anyway it doesn’t matter. He started texting me then. It’s like he knew I was leaving so maybe he thought it was safe to cross boundaries. The texting started off as friendly banter abd jokes and then turned into innuendo s etc and then resulted in him asking me to meet him for sex. All my feeling s for him came back again. I wasn’t safe like I thought I was. I don’t know what kind of spell he had over me. Anyway I told him I couldn’t meet him for sex as I’m not like that and said in so many words that I liked him abd it was complicated for me.
His reaction was like ‘what the f’ we are both in relationship s what are thinking. The thing is I had told him months earlier I needed space from him and he knew about my feelings. I tried to cover up my humiliation and said oh I mean I like you as a friend etc but I was completely cut up. I never heard from him again. I text him a few days later saying that thst that had was humiliating for me and I hoped he woukd never tell anyone. He said he woukdnt and I never heard from him again.
It’s months later now close to a year and I still can’t believe I was so stupid. My partner knows about it I had to confess that I nearly had an affair. I felt so guilty. I can’t believe we were friends and I never heard from him again. I can’t believe his reaction when I told him I liked him. He was so mean. I had told him months before so I don’t know what the big shock is. What is wrong with me?Lane
The only thing that’s wrong with you, is that you are human! Humans are creatures who like to complicate things, and then try to un-complicate them lol.
Just leave it be! Its best that you don’t go near or stay in contact with him so in time you will hopefully get over this fixation/crush you have, and get back to a better emotional state. How did your BF take it? Did something happen to your relationship or it impacting your relationship? You didn’t clarify so I’m not exactly sure what your real issue is?
Mary
Hi nothing happened with my boyfriend really we were in a bit of a rut and I was caught off guard. The problem is that is in around 10 months since this happened and I still can’t get my head around it and still dwell on it and feel stupid and shameful!
Lane
This is something you are going to need to work on by first, forgiving yourself, by looking in the mirror and say “OK, I did a very dumb thing, lesson learned, its over, and I’m done with this a-hole.” The next time he/it pops into your head tell yourself “I said I’m over Mr. a-hole” and immediately refocus your mind on something else so you can retrain your brain to stop thinking or dwelling on it. I’m sure you can find something to do such as call a friend/family member, look up some cool new recipe’s you want to try, clear out some work stuff or closet, have some good books at the ready, or a 5000 puzzle—something you can focus on until your mind is calm. Hopefully, with enough will power, you’ll soon completely forget about Mr. a-hole which is the goal :o)
Mary
I think I jave problems with limerence and my brain is wired for drama like that and unrequited love. I’m trying to work on it but it’s hard.. 😔
newbie
You did nothing wrong except falling for an a hole. In the end you didnt cheat at all. So i dont even understand your bf thinks you almost had an affair. I think there is the problem. Youre bored in your relationship. And therefore still hung up on a guy who vanished a year ago.
The humilIation you describe i also dont understand. So you caught feelings and told him – big deal.
I think you do need time to think if you are in the relationship and why you are still using braincells on this situation.Andrea
You’ve created drama with two men. Please get a therapist, and get to the root of why you like to create drama. Best wishes.
Mary
My partner under stands. We don’t have drama in our relationship and I think there is something in me from my childhood that makes me want people that are mean or that play games with me. I’ve gone to counselling etc. I’ve been reading up on limerence and it fits the bill. It’s like ocd with being fixated on someone in available that makes you feel bad. The only real cure is anti depressants to stabilise my stupid brain. I’ve tried explaining to my partner that there is something wrong with my brain and he thinks I’m completely normal but I know I suffer with anxiety and low mood and episodes like with that man give me a hit of dopamine. It’s like an addiction 😢
Mary
And thanks for the responses. I had a very unstable childhood with my mother that lost children before me and was probably suffering with ptsd.
Tanya
I’m at a loss as to why you are still obsessing about this guy almost a year later? This doesn’t make much sense after such a long period of time.
Are sure he hasn’t been in touch with you or run into you lately?
Mary
Hi no I haven’t seen this guy since last July or August. That’s the thing that’s bugging me. Obviously I’ve been living my life but in thr back of my mind it’s there. I feel silly and stupid. I haven’t seen him in nearky a year. I don’t look at other men apart from my partner. I avoid old work parties where I think he might be or places he might be. I haven’t text him and he hasn’t text me. Its ridiculous and the more I think it’s ridiculous the more it upsets me. Its like a viscous circle
Mary
I think the worst part is I admitted I had inappropriate feelings for him and he got mad at me for having feelings for him when I had told him that months prior anyway. He was the one asking me to get into bed with him. I don’t know what kind of marriage he has. He never said. Maybe it’s the fact that he just wanted to use me for sex that’s bugging me. I’ve been asking myself do I come across like some kind of tart or something
kaye
Look, this man is a douche bag! He’s married and he started crossing boundaries with you, touching you and the more you ignored him the more he pursued you! You did the right thing and distanced yourself from him. But then you let your guard down, allowed him to start texting you, allowed him to send you sexual innuendos and then those led to him wanting sex. You should be proud of yourself for not meeting him for sex.
This is what you don’t seem to understand. You say you can’t believe you were friends and never heard from him again. You weren’t FRIENDS!! This man had an agenda from day one. You saw he was crossing boundaries and touching you in a way a married man shouldn’t be doing. You stopped it but a few months later started texting with him and putting up with his bad behavior. Yes he knew you had feelings for him and were attracted to him which is why he was after sex! Do you banter about with sexual innuendos with your other male friends because I don’t! You need to understand what a male/female friendship looks like when you are both in relationships because this isn’t it!!
You keep saying you feel silly, stupid and shameful after almost a year now…WHY? You turned down his advances, admitted to your boyfriend what happened and you are still together and have moved on and all this happened 10 months ago. Just let it go. Write down your feelings on a piece of paper, light the paper on fire and watch it burn and as it disappears and is consumed by the fire give yourself permission to forgive yourself (because your boyfriend already has). Tell yourself there is no reason to feel stupid or shameful and this is behind you. Then as Lane said, use whatever method you need to distract yourself and don’t allow yourself to think about him again.
redcurleysue
It is simple – this man represented to you something you want. That is why you cannot just forget. Only you can figure out what he represented that you feel you need. Is it someone unavailable? Charming? Money? Treating you rotten? Crossing boundaries? Etc.
Once you see the source it will lose power in your head. Get a therapist to help you sort this out if you cannot.
Mary
Thanks for all the replies.
They are very helpful.
I suppose I felt ashamed as I let the banter turn into innuendos and felt kinda horrible when he rejected me after I told him I couldn’t have a sleazy affair or one night stand or whatever he wanted. I don’t know. I never had something stuck in my head for so long. Ill try the therapy and the burning the letter. I am stsrting to see it from a different perspective alllresdy thanks to yere replies. XMary
Just wanted to say I’ve been reading up on attachment styles and it’s do enlightening. Basically if an anxious attachment style person is hooked in by a narcissist it is very hard for the anxious avoidant person to not become hooked and when they are discarded by the narcissist it causes extreme issues pain for that person. It really ha nothing to do with the person that has done it but is deep rooted from childhood.
I think I’m securely attached with my partner and this is healthy. Anyway that’s the jist of it. It also states that it woukd take someone a long time to forget the incident. It really has nothing to do with him it’s my own wounds that were opened up. I’m not sure if I’m explaining it right but it makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for all the repliesNewbie
I know this sounds bad but i was more willing to drop the narcissist card in your lap. Reasons: this happened a long time ago and you are superfocused on your feelings when nothing significant took place. You told your partner when nothing significant took place. A narcissist can also be someone who likes to play the victim. I hope you find your answers though
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