Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Help With The No Contact Rule
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 3 years, 11 months ago by
Newbie.
-
AuthorPosts
-
abby
On January 22nd, my boyfriend told me he wanted us to take a break because my depression had been getting really bad those last two months and both of us didn’t know what to do to help myself anymore and he didn’t want to watch me keep going through it. We haven’t spoken since then and I noticed that he recently took all of our pictures off of his Instagram except for two of them. I have already been working on myself and my mental health and I’m already the happiest I’ve been in a long time now that I’ve noticed and identified what I need to change and work on for the future. He told me before he ended the call that he would consider getting back together with me if or when I eventually got better, but he gave no time limit for our break and said he “can’t speak for the future”. He also told me “I know this sounds like a breakup to you but it’s not, it’s a break”. We’ve been dating for a year and two months and the way that he has handled this is not how he usually would and it all seems odd to me. I know about the “No Contact Rule”, however his birthday is coming up on March 5th and I had made a painting for him well before this all happened that I told him I would give to him on his birthday. I’ve been planning on mailing the painting to him with a small note wishing him a happy birthday and saying I hope he’s doing well. Should I not send it to him on his birthday? I don’t want to be mean and not say anything. I was hoping maybe since he knows about the painting that it would strike some chord with him and maybe we’d get to communicate so I can tell him how good I’ve been doing. The no contact rule says for it to be at least three weeks and it’s been four weeks since we’ve spoken now. So my two questions are:
1.) Do I mail him the painting?
and
2.) What does it mean by him just recently deleting all of our photos from his instagram except for two? (coincidentally the two highest liked posts on his page but he’s not that kind of cocky person at all so idk)I’m also not sure if he actually did want to break up and was too scared to tell me so he said a break, but we have seriously never had any major issues with each other besides my depression. No arguments, nothing big, we didn’t even go down screaming at each other and I know he still loves me. I’m just really hoping we just both need to work on ourselves and maybe reevaluate in the summer. (We also will probably be going to the same college next year so maybe get back together sometime then too)
I’m sorry that this is a lot of information.
Thanks,
AbbyAngieBaby
So you’re using this gift as an excuse to make contact with him and try to persuade him you’ve changed and to get back together. That’s a bad idea. People hate the bait and switch game and they can smell it a mile off.
I would not mail it unless you can do it without expecting a response.
You could always text him a quick happy birthday but again, if you can’t do it without expecting a response and to use the situation to your advantage, don’t.
Given everything you’ve said, it’s 50/50 to me that you’ll get back together. You went and worked on you, that’s great you’ve gotten so much better. No matter what he does, that’s a win for you.
As to why he took down all the photos.. who knows. Honestly, not a great sign. However, he did leave up two. I’d be more pessimistic if he’d taken all of them down. Logically, if you’re “on a break” from someone you don’t want all kinds of photos of them in your face reminding you of them all the time.
Emily
No, you should not mail him the item or have any contact with him at all. You can do it.
Zoe
He broke up with you
No you dont mail anything and No you dont message him oh his birthday
About the pictures, again he broke up with you so why do you care, its a bad sign if you ask meGo no contact and move one, start dating other people
Persephone
Honestly, it’s hard to say if he’s completely finished with the relationship. I actually think it’d be better for you if you didn’t acknowledge his birthday. For one, if you would acknowledge it and not get a response that could be upsetting. And two, maybe you not acknowledging it will make him wonder more about you. Either way, you still want him to come back to you of his own accord. And when he does, you want to show him you’ve dealt with your depression (kudos to you, btw) for yourself, not him, and are not clingy or manipulative.
At some point though, you’ll need to have the conversation about whether you’re over or not, but his birthday isn’t the right time for that.
Liz Lemon
Sorry to say this but your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Two months ago he announced you two were taking a break, with no discussion about time frame, and hasn’t spoken to you since then. This happened while you were suffering through a bout of depression. He announced ” he would consider getting back together with me if or when I eventually got better, but he gave no time limit for our break and said he “can’t speak for the future”. Wow, so he would *consider* getting back to you once you “got better”? That doesn’t sound like a very nice boyfriend to me! On top of that, now you’re wondering if he actually wanted to break up and just didn’t have the b@lls to say that.
You’re worried that it would be “mean” not to acknowledge his birthday, but I think he’s been pretty mean to you. Honestly if I were in your shoes I’d dump this guy. I understand you’re young (you’re both college students, right?) but you don’t want to get into a long term relationship with a guy who doesn’t have your back. You want a guy who will stick by you and support you when the going gets tough. It’s punitive and controlling to simply stop speaking to you, tell you you’re on a break, and not at least have a dialogue about how long of a break you’re taking. Then to have the nerve to say it’s because you’re depressed, but he would “consider” taking you back “if or when” you get better. Forget this guy and move on, you can do better.
Anderson
Abby, you seem like a sweetheart. But it’s people like you who most need to balance and put themselves first more instead of always being so selfless
Btw it’s not mean to not wish him given the circumstances. You’ve been planning his gift for months- so it’s not like he doesnt know you care. I just think that you’ve done so well working on yourself, and are happy in a long time that it’s not worth risking that by putting yourself out there with him. I most agree with Persephone’s comment as for your approach.
If I had to pick I’d say he was putting you down easy. Depression can take a toll on a partner- no doubt. I’m no stranger to the feeling. And yes there’s merit in giving someone space cause sometimes no one can dig you out of a hole but yourself. But there’s a difference between space and break. I can’t fathom going no-contact with a gf just because she had depression, even if it pained me seeing them like that. What’s that cliche saying about if you cant handle me at my worst…
I try to take into account you two’s young age and that everyone’s different. But if there’s one thing I can’t give the benefit of the doubt, it’s the “can’t speak for the future.” That seems very telling
Newbie
I second liz 100%. Its fine he wants another path but dont try to get him back. What if you feel depressed again? You are going to hide it?
No bye guy. You did great work for yourself so far. Dont ruin it by breaking no contact for ex who couldnt handle being with you when it was bad -
AuthorPosts
