he's attracted enough to me to have sex but doesn't want to date..am I just ugly

there’s a guy I know who I’ve had a crush on since we first properly met.
weirdly we are only now becoming what I would consider good buds.

for context, we share friends but we never really properly hung out or got to know each other.

first time I met him he told me drunkenly that he wanted to c*m on my face.
then, for a good year, he actively seemed to ignore me or was always really awkward around me.
exceptions being when he got very drunk and told me one time, ‘I find you really intimidating because you’re very open, and I suck at that.’
for years we remained acquaintances, apart from me sending the odd weird sentimental message where I told him I felt like we’d get on really well if we knew each other better. He also sent me what I felt were a few possible ‘go on a date’ messages, but I was dating someone else back then.

then at a party, how we met came around and he said he didn’t remember that – I laughed about it, and he said ‘well there may be some truth to that’ and we scheduled a hook up the next day before he left for Vietnam.

he fell asleep at his own leaving party, and the hook up never happened.
when he returned, again, at another party before lockdown, he randomly felt me up (without warning or inclination) and then the next day acted as if this never happened. the pandemic happens, we roll around to September and AGAIN out of nowhere, he starts talking to me and says at like 2am, ‘is it weird that I still want to put my D*** inside you?’

so, we have probably the hottest text sex I have ever had in my life. and it’s crazy good and he matches me on all the things I am into…. which is really attractive to me as we are also very much into the same interests as well. so, obviously, I crush very hard on him. for about 2 weeks we share a steamy affair, and he eagerly asks for me to meet in person. we meet, but he’s comparatively very shy. I also don’t know him very well at this point, but we sleep together like 3 times or something. he never kissed me though <— this detail is important.

the next day, he’s super weird and cold. he doesn’t see me off or say goodbye, he practically ignores me. the next day, he honestly tells me that there’s a girl he was trying to date for ages that suddenly wants to date again, and in his words ‘I think we want similar things long term, so I’d rather we just go back to being friends’ “friends” I use loosely, because not really.

I was pretty gutted about this, about the way he handled it. I sent him a very honest message back saying that I’ve had a crush n him for years. I really put myself out there and was honest, vulnerable, but calm. I was honestly? upset, because he had apparently made an assumption that we didn’t want the same things long term, but actually we never discussed that, and I don’t know what he meant by this. but I let it go, because I didn’t really see that he had much interest in me before this, and I thought at least we could build a friendship out of this.

sadly, he ghosted me and pretty much had little interest in me as a person.
but it’s not over!

a few months later, he started getting friendly with me again as a person. I thought ‘oh cool, he wants to be friends’ – then suddenly he says, ‘if I start flirting with you again, it’s not because I’m being a dick, I just broke up with that person’

delighted, I tentatively flirted back and asked about the possibility of dating – he said he wasn’t up for dating anyone for the moment, as he just wanted to work on himself. I stupidly believed him, and thus, a sort of friendship began.

then, back in around February time, sort of out of nowhere again,(I say sort of because I had been talking about sex, but we talk about sex pretty openly a anyway so this is the norm). he writes me with a desire to do sexy things. AGAIN, I was surprised, because it had been months since this ‘no dating’ talk, and this seemed so out of the blue. But I agreed, with the condition that he let me know where he stands with me, again.

this lasted maybe.. a few weeks. then, once again, he starts ghosting me, avoiding the sexy games. I’m confused, and tentatively ask if it’s too much for him. he says, ‘oh well, I went on a date with someone, but that didn’t go anywhere so you can keep doing this if you want.’

this time, I really was quite upset. after asking only one thing of him, I confronted him about the situation and told him how it made me feel. eventually, he replied, and apologised for not getting back to me sooner, and ssssort of apologised but not really, for not being confrontational enough. he finally told me straight up, ‘I’m not romantically into you’

‘I’m not romantically into you’ – these words will probably haunt me forever.

anyway. it hurt, I felt really sad. obvs, I have self respect and I shut the door on us having sex as a result. but we talked it out and became friends. weirdly now, since that point, I’d say we are closer and getting closer as friends every day.

the trouble is, the closer we become as friends the more all that history really hurts. he talks to me about people he’s interested in who just aren’t interested in him. he talks candidly about who he finds attractive. and the osutation between us, or what he thinks of me, is just never mentioned.

this whole situation has got me reeling, and has really messed me up. trust me when I say I am not a good looking person. I know for a fact my personality , kinky sex interests and caring nature is usually the thing that wins people over lol! But never ever in my life have I had a guy come on to me several times over the years, and get on with me really well as a friend, but have no interest in even going out on a date?

I appreciate (especially now) that there’s a point at which sometimes people aren’t your type and you realise that through friendship. but I find ti strange as, even now I would say, we are only just getting to know each other. so I am forever perplexed by the question…. what was it about me?

all I can come up with is… was I not attractive ENOUGH? did this guy really just have sex with me to feed his ego? I just didn’t think that was possible.

I’ve never really been much if a looker away.. people get such a look of dissapoiintment when I meet them on dates lol – but the fact that someone could purely use me just for sex alone somehow brings about a next level of worthlessness I didn’t think I could feel.

what should I do? should I confront him about this ? is it even worth being this guy’s friend? I’ll get over it I’m sure, but I hope it’s not true that I’m just so ugly that I’ll never quite meet anyone’s standards.
sigh.