Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › He's distant between dates
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VVVV.
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Samantha
Hello all! I’m hoping for some perspective on an issue that’s driving me nuts. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks, and he’s great in so many ways—smart, handsome, interesting, and when we’re together he’s really thoughtful. We have a lot of fun together. But we only see each other a couple of times a week, which has been consistent since the beginning (i.e., it’s not increasing as time goes on) and in between he rarely contacts me. If I contact him first, he usually keeps his responses brief. And if I thought that he just wasn’t big on texting or was very busy with work, I’d be fine with that. But he is very active on Twitter (and his tweets are public, so I can see that he updates and has conversations multiple times during the workday), and he also has a female best friend who I know he texts with throughout the day (because she too tweets, and often refers to these conversations). Yes, I know that I shouldn’t be monitoring his social media, but now that I’ve fallen down that rabbit hole I’m struggling. I just want him to talk to me more between dates. It hurts my feelings that he doesn’t, even though I once casually mentioned that it bums me out when I don’t hear from him for a couple of days. He’s told me that he is not romantically interested in his best friend, and it’s pretty clear to me that she has a crush on him, so if he wanted to be with her I think he would be. I’m not jealous or threatened by that. I guess my questions are (a) is it too soon for me to expect him to be contacting me daily? And (b) if it’s not too soon, do I bring this up (and how?) or just take it as an indication that he’s not as into me as I’d like, and move along? I’m starting to feel like I’m ready to be exclusive, but I don’t want a boyfriend who’s so distant when we’re not together.
Sorry this is so long!talllady
You are in the rabit hole. And you have no idea how often he texts her. Seriously. STOP LOOKING AT SOCIAL MEDIA
I am a believer that you don’t ask a man to contact you, that you should reward him when he does and that a man should do it by devotion, not direction. But then again, I am ok with him not contacting me for a day or two, especially when I know we have plans.
So, next time you are chatting – say something like – I love talking you during the day, it always makes me smile… Something like that.
redcurleysue
It seems to me that you are pigeon holed in the dating box and not the friend box. He communicates with his friends but sees you in person. He has got you in a category.
I don’t know if he can erase these boundaries in his mind but I have always believed that your GF should also be your best friend.
So how do we become someone’s best friend…well we want to know all about them – the good the bad and the ugly and we have to be willing to share the same. We are there for them and on their side whenever trouble brews…etc.
If he will not let you in like that then you probably do need to move on.
m
good advice, talllady.
Social media is the devil when it comes to dating. Stay away from it. Stuff that wouldn’t phase you if he was just a friend will drive you nuts because you’re attached to him… simple socializing with women, harmless and casual flirting like you probably do with your male friends will make you jealous when it’s someone you’re into… don’t bother, stay away if you want to maintain your sanity
Janet
*rescurlysue – l think your advice is a bit harsh!!….it’s only been 6 weeks, with your attitude noone would ever be together!
Just try and be cool Samantha, if you have a great time whilst together, just enjoy that – let him conduct his communications when he’s not with you how he wishes, and you do the same. Things change in relationships who knows how you’ll be communicating (more) in a month or two? Stay off the social media, it will feed your already growing insecurities – and as far as his friend it seems like that really all it is – give it no more thought than if she was a guy, clearly he doesn’t.
Relax – he’s dating you, let him lead…..
CalLady
I agree with Janet, be cool, let him lead and keep up with your own life when you aren’t seeing him. It’s only been 6 weeks, at this stage you’re an interesting possibility to him, not a major part of his life. I know I contact friends and family way more than I do dates, my friends are an integral part of my life whereas in the early stages a guy I’m dating is exactly that – just a guy I’m dating.
I also agree with TallLady in that I’m fine if a guy doesn’t contact me every day, especially if we’ve already agreed plans for the next date – I have a life outside of dating and expect that he does as well. Once you’ve got to the point where you’ve had the “define the relationship” talk, gone exclusive and agreed you’re BF/GF then you can start to discuss contact frequency and negotiate a frequency that works for you both (even then I’d be fine with not talking every day though personally – but that could just be me).
Sassperilla
I think 6 weeks is early days.
I try to relate it back to when I met my now best friend of 10 years (female)… we literally bumped into each other at a gig and ended up at a club that night. The next week we by chance happened to be in the same bar, and so a friendship was struck. However for the first few months we would just chat now and then and arrange the odd weekend meet up. It took a year or more before we were automatically seeing each other every weekend, two years to go on holidays, fast forward 10 years and we text daily and know the bond will never break.
So what I’m saying is all new connections need time and space to develop. We see it differently with men but it’s no different to any other social connection.
Try to breathe and step back. Don’t look at the twitter feeds. Make lots of plans with your friends. Let him come to you. And most of all keep repeating what will be will be.
Samantha
Thanks for all your feedback! I appreciate the outside perspective; once you’re really in something it can be hard to see it objectively.
VVVV
I get really bored if I don’t hear from men between dates. I like being pursued a bit and it is something I want in a relationship, particularly in the beginning stages. If you feel the same way, express it clearly. (“I enjoy our dates but I’d like to hear from you more often. If you are not interested in communicating more, that is totally your choice but it is causing me to become a little less interested.”) Another option is to take a little break- politely decline a date or two until you get your head together. If he is into you he won’t go away. After taking a break your head might clear enough to focus on what you want and how to express it. He is focused on himself and his needs and you need to do the same.
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