Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He's engaged but has feelings for me.
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kiara.
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Elena
I met this guy at the party last summer. We both felt instant connection.. We talked all night just to each other because it was just so effortless. He acted like a real gentleman. When we found ourselves alone he kissed me. Then I asked something I now regret..I asked him if he has someone, he said he does. The kissing stopped right there and then, although we kissed and touched each other later on, we were just really into each other I guess. He said he never did anything like this before, he didn’t expect anything to happen that night, but when we started talking he felt that connection, like he has known me forever. He started saying that our timing wasn’t right, and he seemed very sad. I asked about her, and wish I didn’t. He said they got engaged recently and live together. I wanted to know what’s wrong and if they’re were unhappy, but he just said he doesn’t really know… It was already around 4AM and we were still talking. He told me some things about his life that he didn’t say to many people, apparently because he thinks he can say these things to me, he felt like I understand him and it was easy. Around 5 I told him to go home to his fiance but he said he doesn’t want to, he said he just wants to sit here with me and hold my hand, and that he just couldn’t stop holding it. He layed his head on my knees, we both kind of started falling half asleep. Around 7 I told him I need to go home so he said he would walk me to the station. He held my hand the whole time. When we were crossing the street he picked me up and carried me in his arms. Trains weren’t running so he said he would walk me to the bus stop. He said he doesn’t live far from here and that he would walk back. At the end he got on the bus with me. I noticed it was going to his neighbourhood and thought he will get off when we get there, but he didn’t. He took me all the way across the city. When we were saying goodbye he thanked me for wonderful time and kissed me. We didn’t see each other and didn’t even exchanged a message for all these months. Then last weekend we ended up in the same place, neither of us knew the other would be there, but he said he hoped I would be. I was scared it’d be awkward, that he will come with her.. but he came alone. When he saw me he smiled and his eyes seemed really happy. He first said hello to the hostess of the party and then went straight to me. We started talking about what is new, but he didn’t mention her even once. Some of his workmates joined the conversation and four of us chatted for hours. At some point he asked me if we should go and get some whiskey. I said yes but knew thats not what he meant. As soon as we were out the door he took my hand and we started talking about how we feel. He said he thought about me all of this time and that he still feels the same way. We kissed for a while by a tree but I stopped because it felt wrong, then I got nauseous and threw up a little. He held my hair, and said we should go back. So we did. I wanted to sit in peace for a bit so we could talk. We went to my friend’s room. He told me to lay down and brought me some water, then he lied next to me. We started talking.. and he said how he couldn’t stop recalling that morning when we were on the bus… He wasn’t trying in any way to initiate sex, but it just happened. We were kissing first then got undressed and it just happened and I wasn’t thinking… He stopped at some point, looked at me and told me he loves me, I told him it’s impossible but he said he does… because he feels like he really knows me. I know he probably only meant it in the moment. We didn’t finish what we were doing. We just lied there for a bit cuddling, and falling slowly asleep. Someone tried to enter the room, so we got dressed and left the room. We decided to hide upstairs. We drank a bit so I told him I’d get some water for us. When I got back he was asleep and I couldn’t wake him up. My heart broke… In the morning at around 7 AM I heard him leaving. I asked if he was going to leave like that and he said he didn’t know where I was. He also said he needs to go. He looked sad, or maybe guilty, or regretful… I’ll never know for sure. He came back in for a minute, lied down next to me. He looked very sad. I didn’t know what to say.. I started to ask him if he remembers what happened and he said no. And I don’t know if he meant that he doesn’t remember how he fell asleep on the stairs or what we did. I assumed the latter so I asked if he meant anything he said yesterday. And he said yes, that he really feels like he knows me and he did think of me all of this time, and that he cares about me, and he doesn’t regret anything. Then I stupidly asked why he is marrying her… He said he has reasons, not “I love her” which I wanted to hear. So I asked if he loves her, he was silent. I asked again so he nodded but it didn’t seem like yes or no… The third time I asked he said yes. I sad down, didn’t know what’s next. Then he started saying awful things like “you’ll forget me”, “there are others just like me”. I told him I don’t want this conversation and he should just go. I wasn’t angry, I just didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t cry either but my eyes were probably sad. He then looked at me surprised as if he didn’t expect it. He stared at me for a moment then got up, kissed my cheek very gently and slowly and headed for the door. He turned around and looked me deep in the eyes, it lasted a moment which felt like eternity. said bye, and he left.. I don’t even know if he said goodbye. I was left utterly confused and heartbroken. Later the same day I got a message from him on fb (we’re not friends there so I assumed he somehow found me) that he sent an hour after he left. It was a sad message but it made me angry. He said he feels like he knows me deeply, but part of him is sorry for the position he put me in in. He also said that he wonders what life would have been if we met under different circumstances. He said he has to say goodbye. He finished with “thank you” and “sorry”. I replied after a week saying that I wish we’d had a better goodbye. And that I’m sad I won’t talk to him again, but I’m also grateful for the time we spent together. I didn’t want to shout at him, blame him… But to be honest I feel horrible, because I didn’t hurt only myself but also her in a way. I’m not sure if he meant anything he said, if it was just a hook up before their wedding.. I’ll never know, but I’ll be spending months, maybe years thinking about him, because I honestly felt like we were connected. I know I was stupid, but at the same time I needed something to happen because I couldn’t connect with anyone for a long time… and deep inside I was hoping he’s unhappy and breaks up with her even though I know he won’t. I wish I could ask him why he risked everything to spend these few moments with me. His co-workers were there, most people suspected that something happened. My friend said it was obvious because he never left my side and his other co-workers noticed that too. They all met his fiance just couple of months ago. Not sure what to think. I really just would like to understand why he did what he did. I know why I did it, and I feel awful for doing this to her…
Emily
You’re never going to understand why he did something and it’s not relevant anyway. The guy’s engaged to someone else. Forget him and move on. Going forward, don’t waste your time and energy worrying about why guys do things. Focus on how what they do makes you feel.
WaitWhat
Honestly, he’s right, there are others like him. So many others. And I would avoid them. He cheated on his fiancee. Would you want to be cheated on?
There are better men out there, actually. Get clear on what is important to you. That’s a big problem for a lot of people because they go on these “feelings of connection” (which are great and important), but throw out things that are deal breakers like honesty, integrity, being able to be all in because they are not sure what really makes a relationship thrive. We’re all guilty of this, myself included. But you deserve to have the connection AND the great character traits.
Raven
He sounds Amazing!!
He’s engaged, cheats on his fiancé, plays you like he’s in Vegas…
Time for some self reflection…M
Notice how he only felt guilty and wanted go “honor” his committment to his fiance AFTER you all had sex. My guess is that he started having second thoughts about being married and making that life long committment and thought flirting with other women would provide a bit of clarity, get rid of the angst he feels, remind him he is still wanted…it could be a numerous things really but you fell for a sleeze. He cheated on his fiance and poor thing, she will probably never know and end up married to this guy. He then breaks things off once he has already gotten what he wanted and after taking things too far.
I say the guy just put on a really good act. And those guys can be really hard to decipher but what I am learning is that anything that starts fast, tends to end fast.
Phillygirl
Everytime I see a post like this I wonder how anyone could think this would end any differently than it did.
He is not a gentleman. He is a cheating liar.
Please re-read what Raven said. Because you said you were sorry you asked him and found out he had a fiancée. The only thing you should be sad about is not walking away then and there.
I certainly would not believe anything he said, especially the part about being in love with you.
Almost every post on this site that involves heartache usually boils down to poor boundaries (lack of self esteem and the ability to set proper limits).
This kind of man can sniff out a woman who is sad and lonely and play them. That is what he did to you.
He is not a nice person at all. When you realize that it will make it much easier to take him off that pedestal he never deserved.
What
Sounds like you were his free bachelor party…
redcurleysue
I do understand that we don’t feel a connection all the time. I also know sometimes in life you will feel a connection to someone who is taken…or you are taken.
That is where integrity and character come in. When you really understand that what you do impacts everything and other people you walk away from temptations. And they exist, all your life.
So, you get to decide who you are and what you stand for.
Ciara
Sweetie, you never want to be with him because how you got him will be how you lose him eventually he’d have broken your heart. Think you for a lucky escape xx
Jade
Just because he told you he’s never done anything like that before does not mean he was telling you the truth. You can’t really take him as an honest man. He proved that to you by cheating on his fiancé. It feels crappy but you WILL be able to find someone, hopefully, better than him. Someone who can be faithful.
Jason
“The kissing stopped right there and then, although we kissed and touched each other later on”
You regretted asking an honest question but see no issue with doing the above? Like “Oh you have a GF no thanks”, two drinks later: “Come take me”
I can’t wrap my head around that logic so I stopped reading there.
Elena
No, it’s not logical at all. I didn’t think with my head but with my heart, and probably my ego too. I was selfish and decided to drop my morals because I wanted to feel something. At the point where I stopped us kissing, we weren’t drinking anymore, and we hadn’t for hours. I took a shortcut there when I was writing, because before we started kissing again a lot of personal stuff was said in between.. I know it’s not a great excuse and I beat myself over it every day now, because I used to consider myself a good person, now I don’t.
Jade
Nobody is perfect. Learn from this. Do NOT turn it into a romantic movie situation in your head. Pretty words cannot change the fact that this was a pretty awful thing to do on both sides but upward and onward!
Jason
Elena: I honestly don’t judge you for what you did, I am a firm believer that this is a cold world where most will do for themselves, so nothing you did makes me angry. I do admit that honesty is an issue with me big time, I felt you were not honest at first, but you did somewhat admit that you simply wanted to steal him, admitting that gives me so much more respect for you to be honest.
Don’t beat yourself up over it, most relationships have affairs, if you enjoy what you have let him know, let us know, and as a grown woman do what you feel makes you happy!
~ Jason
Elena
Thanks for understanding Jason. I wish I could do what makes me happy, but I can’t. He never promised me anything, and the truth is I made a choice to dive in anyways, but didn’t realise I’d feel so much. I don’t want to have an affair, and I don’t think he’d want to have one either. We met only twice, it would be very immature for me to expect from him to suddenly drop everything he has. I never told him openly I want something more. So why did he say he thought of me for the last 8 months and I’ll be often on his mind, why does he wonder what if… That’s what I don’t get. But it was the morning we said goodbye that destroyed my belief in his sincerity, if we said a different goodbye then of course I’d still be sad but at least I’d have good memories.
He actually messaged me last night and admitted that we had a sucky goodbye, because there’s lots that we could’ve talked about. He said he’s sorry he had to leave me that morning and that he was sad walking home. He also hopes I can look back at everything and be happy like he is when he’s thinking of the moments we had, and that he’ll never forget them..
Now I feel even worse and more confused, because I was pretty sure he wouldn’t reply. And after all that’s been said on here I’m stuck thinking he was just trying to have some fun with me before he finally gets married, and that I meant nothing. But why would he even bother writing to me at all? He doesn’t own me any explanations, except I feel that he should explain why he had to say so much, so many things that would mess with my mind. I made a choice and I should just deal with it, but I don’t seem to be able to let go. Should I reply to him?
Elena
By the way, I’m sorry for saying so much… I feel like I can’t go and talk to my friends, because they would never imagine me doing such a thing. I know there’s a lot of why why why… but I don’t know how else I can get some peace. I’m really struggling, to the point when I think maybe I should get some help cause maybe there’s actually something else going on here… But I’m sure a lot of people often feel like they’re going crazy when they’re alone with their mind!
Hannah
Elena, say what you need to say! Don’t apologise. Honestly, we all make mistakes and get sucked in at times. I think sadly you were sucked in.
I’m generally a decent person but I have has cheated once. Do you know what it took for me to do that? Not chatting to someone for a few hours. Months of becoming closer, talking endlessly and a huge physical attraction. You know you are risking your relationship and you decide you don’t care. This isn’t what happened in your situation.
This man wasn’t a gentleman. He’d known you for a few hours, had a girlfriend and kissed you.You stopped him, he talked you round and you let him kiss you again? Then you don’t hear at all from him for months. He didn’t initiate sex the next time but somehow it happened? Did you initiate or is he very manipulative? I think he would have an affair and I suspect you’re not the only one this has happened with. He fell asleep on the stairs?! Was he very drunk?
You were physically sick. What is your gut telling you there?
I don’t want to sound attacking! I’m probably a bit jaded by my own experience, but i’m seeing a player here. I’m also worried about you. You let your morals slip but what about your sexual health? If neither of you were expecting sex, did you use a condom? A decent man will not put you in the position this man put you in, either by expecting you to be complicit in his cheating, or by having sex with you knowing you have feelings. That I know for sure!
Elena
Since he appeared at the party we had three or four drinks, but he had couple of drinks before he came. When stuff started happening we didn’t drink anymore… But who am I kidding, I just don’t want to admit that we did it under influence and therefore it meant nothing.. except no matter how drunk I am I tend to spill out everything I feel, and sadly these feelings are true each time….And no, we didn’t use a condom, neither of us had one so I guess he didn’t plan it or expect it. So we decided to do everything but..
If he just wanted to play me, why did he write to me? We have no common friends, there’s no way we meet again in this huge city so it won’t ever get awkward etc, there’s no risk of me telling her, so why soften the blow? Especially since my reply to him wasn’t all that emotional, and it’s not like he is worried I’m really hurting and he feels bad. If he’s capable of playing someone I don’t think he’d care to talk about how he feels and apologise. I was played before and I don’t recall them trying to make things better afterwards. I guess he really feels bad for putting me in this position… maybe he just wants to make himself feel better. But I really want to believe otherwise. I don’t want to accept that I was wrong about him.What
Drama. You like the drama. This reads like a bad screenplay.
Find a man who is single and available. Leave other women’s men alone,That is how you find peace and feel good about yourself.
Phillygirl
What you need to be doing to move forward is accept this isn’t a good man.
I have a belief: if someone comes into your life and they inspire the worst behavior in you, encouraging you to do things that are morally and ethically wrong they are toxic. Toxic people have no place in my life. I want people who inspire me to be better, do better. If you detract from my life, from my integrity, values, self worth, peace and tranquility you get removed from it.
We choose to grow or wither with each decision we make. That is our responsibility and no one else’s.
Thus man is not a good person. That’s the bottom line. So playing detective to figure out his motivations is an effort in futility. He wants to either leave the door open for more of the same with you, has some kind of personality disorder where he enjoys using people, or has some guilt over this he wants you to assuage.
What does it mater in the end? None of that will do anything good for you.
You have to choose who and what you want to be going forward. Choose to he someone who loves and respects herself and others to much to lower herself to standards as low as this and just realize this man and situation was unworthy of and beneath you the whole time.
Just by making better decisions you will start to feel stronger and more at peace with yourself.
I believe I acting with integrity regardless of what others do. If one person does this, then another… we’d be amazed how quickly this world improves.
Big changes start with the smallest of actions in the right direction
Paige
“And after all that’s been said on here I’m stuck thinking he was just trying to have some fun with me before he finally gets married, and that I meant nothing”
…that’s basically the gist of it. Lots of people wanna have their “fun” before they get tied down. Unfortunately you were the target.
Maria
Elena, if you reply to him, you will be dragged into an affair where you will feel lousy and he will feel great, i.e. being with two women.
Why did he say nice things to you? Do you really not see it? So that he can get you AGAIN if he wants to. The more nice and faltering things he says to you the more you will be hooked onto him.
He may felt something for you, but is this enough? Is this all your deserve? Crumbs from some other relationship? Is your ego that unsatisfied?
Instant “connection” means compatible sexual energies, true connection takes time to develop and implies integrity, trust etc.
Please have some self respect. Do not reply to him and move on.
Raven
Instead of focusing your thoughts & energy on him, how he feels, what is he thinking, doing… Blah, blah, blah…
Why not focus on you & your actions … What are you missing in Your life that made you put you in that situation… & then work on fixing You…
Khadija
Truth be told I stopped reading after you said he had someone.
The minute you heard that the wise choice would have been to mingle and meet someone else at that party, who is single.
It is beyond me why you’d want to entertain him further.
From you’re title he is engaged and if I were you I’d leave this man be and find someone who is not engaged.Van1962
The post from WhatWait is correct. There are plenty of other men out there like him. Also, you DID use really bad judgment with him. I know how over-whelming it can be to meet a guy that practically, but in your case “literally” sweeps you off of your feet with charm and great conversation and he’s probably cute as hell too.
But he played you sweetheart…that’s the GAME I’m always talking about. They are REALLY, REALLY good at it! Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure he was attracted to you and found you easy to talk to, BUT that’s the game. He knows for a lot of women, all that’s needed is physical attraction, alcohol, sentiments to care, and GREAT convo, then BAM…panty dropping time.
Don’t feel TOO Bad, lots of women find themselves in this situation…frequently. How else is the guy going to get laid? He can’t come across as his ‘true” self….then, who would want to be bothered with him? So he tugs at the heart strings.
He really did show his true colors, by cheating with you, but he showed it in a indirect way….If you know what I mean?
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