He’s literally making no time at all for me

You’re in this situation because …?

Hi Dana

I have to say that comment was very rude of him especially if you’re being understanding. I would suggest you leave this relationship and allow him to focus on his child. I am a single mom and I understand the importance of taking care of young children, however depending on the situation that doesn’t mean you can’t make time for someone you care about or want to get to know more.

There are difficult/stressful situations where a parent may feel their child needs more attention or care especially if the divorce was recent and the children are affected. So there are many underlying factors that may affect how much time someone commits to their new partner.

His response was harsh if he has no time for you then he should tell you that in a calm manner. It’s almost as if he is frustrated that you are asking.

I feel you need to separate yourself from this situation and focus on finding someone more aligned with your current needs.

100% what Elvira said. I’m a single parent and so is my bf so I know what it’s like to juggle parenting and dating. It sounds like this man honestly does not have time to date right now, and should just focus on his child. There’s nothing wrong with doing that, but he should be honest with you about it and not make you feel badly for wanting to see him. Elvira put it perfectly, you and this man’s needs are not aligned. It would be best for you to move on and date a guy who is willing to make the effort to spend time with you.

Hi guys

Yeah it was completely unprovoked and his comment really did hit a nerve because I had never, ever once said to him not to see his child. So for him to accuse me of that, did upset me.

My sister seen the mails he sent and told me it was narcissistic.

FYI, his separation from the child’s mum was 6 years ago. And I did raise the point to him that he’s not ready for committing to someone and shouldn’t be dating. He called me out and said that’s not true and I’m being unreasonable because I could just wait the 2 weeks to see him, he even made the point in saying he thinks I am the one? Yet genuinely cannot see me.

I do agree however, or needs are misaligned. He’s never had a girlfriend in 6 years since his break up. Don’t think I have any luck of changing that.

Thats why I dont date men with kids

I did online dating for years and I learned through experience that it’s a red flag when someone tells you right off the bat they’re putting their kid first. It’s like someone telling you they’re honest…truly honest people are just like that and assume everyone is so it’s not something you’d tell people. In a nutshell, what the man is telling you is he won’t make time for you and will blame it on his kid. Usually this is someone dating multiple women. Never is it someone looking for a long-term committed relationship.

Yeah I am starting to think there’s a huge possibility he’s seeing others too or not really wanting to commit but telling me sweet nothings.

I wasn’t sure if this was me at fault because I have no kids and I was coming in here to see if mother’s/fathers agreed I was being silly and two weeks for a coffee date is the norm. As I’m new to this I really wasn’t sure.

What a wonderful volume of responses which just reaffirmed my suspicions, he’s just not that into me/ready for a relationship.

I guess I have to let him be him and me, do me.

Hopefully next partner I meet/like will be able to show up for me at least a day a week.

I’m a little confused, have you met this guy in person?
How long have you been seeing him? How often do you actually see each other in person?

It’s bizarre that he’s making comments about you being “the one” and having something serious with you, when he doesn’t even have time for a coffee date.

My bf had been divorced 3 years when we met. In that time period he had only dated casually. I was his first serious relationship post-divorce (we’re together about 3.5 years now). He did not introduce any of the women he dated to his child, I was the first one. And we took awhile to get to the point where we met each others’ kids- close to a year. We did not rush into it.

My point in sharing that is– I think it’s wise for a guy to not introduce his child to every casual woman he dates. At this point, in the early stages of dating, it’s not even something you need to discuss.

Honestly something seems a bit “off” about this guy to me, like he’s a future faker. Why is he even talking about introducing his child to you when he can’t even find time to meet you for coffee? That shouldn’t even be on the table at this point. You meet first, date, spend time together, build a relationship– THEN you start thinking about whether to introduce the kid(s). This guy has it totally backwards.

So we have met, and we met through work.

Due to covid we’ve been working from home the past year. We started as friends (I had no idea he liked me, but apparently he liked me as soon as I started the business). He and I spoke loads over the pandemic. With him frequently popping up on Facebook to say hello. Eventually his mails became more frequent and one day he plucked up the courage to tell me he liked me. I didn’t feel the same. So I opted to stay friends. During the year of staying friends we spoke daily on WhatsApp. After a full year of speaking, daily, I realised despite not being attracted to him, I actually liked him. He may not seem it, but he does have a nice personality. So I told him how I felt, and he confessed he liked me also still so we would casually take it slow and see how we go.

Fast forwards 2 months (which is how long it’s been since we admitted to trying to date), I’ve had one date & im realising it’s difficult to lock down a day/time to meet.

I get why he won’t want to introduce me to his child and I was more than happy to wait. If anything I’d prefer to wait so that I can also see if this is the right fit for me before adding a child into the situation so it suited me also. However, I can’t help feel like he has absolutely no time for me at all.

He told me early on that as soon as I started in the company the moment he seen me his heart froze and it took him a full year to actually tell me. On top of saying that he really likes me, hasn’t felt this way for a girl since his baby’s mum before. All of which I’m a little confused by as we’ve only met once outside of work.

In regards to work, I’m office based and he’s field based so we wouldn’t really see each other much at work except things like Christmas parties and if there’s a big company meeting. So dating at work isn’t much of an issue for me since I never see him much.

All seems to be hard to read between the lines with him but I don’t think he likes me as much as he proclaims else he would make time to see me and get to know me more, outwith what appears to be a weird online WhatsApp connection.

Hi Maddie,
He told me that him and his ex (they dated for 7 years) ended because they kept arguing all the time over silly things. Apparently it was a mutual ending. He’s never really disclosed any more information than that. He doesn’t really say anything bad on the mother/their relationship, asides from she’s a good mum and he will always care for her as she’s the mother of his child. I think that’s normal? Who knows.

I did ask wheat they argued over and got the reply “everything”.

He did also tell me once she threw something at him one time when he said he was going out with his pals? So perhaps that’s an indication that he was distant with her also? Not too sure however. I tend not to pry so much as it’s his past and I gathered if he wanted to disclose more he would.

I agree with mama and Maddie totally. Look at his actions, not his words. It doesn’t sound like this guy is ready to date– he obviously likes the idea and the fantasy of it, but he is not willing/able to put it into practice. And he’s using his child as an excuse.

A man who wants to see you will find a way, period. It’s great that he helps his ex with child care while she works, but I’m sure she does not work 24/7– if he wanted to date, he could arrange for his ex to have their child some evenings, even just for a few hours, so that he can go out for a meal or coffee or whatever. He would make it happen.

Hi Dana,
Kids can’t legally be home alone until they are 12, maybe 11 if they are mature. If he and his son are home due to the pandemic, well the dad can’t really go out. Otherwise, lunch dates look like a possibility because the child would be at school. Most kids that age go to bed early, say 9pm. Why not suggest more night phone calls instead of messaging.
Or just wait the 2 weeks out while he has custody of his child, because it should mean he is free after those 2 weeks without child at least for a week when he is with his mom. All this assuming you have feelings for him.