Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He’s married, what do I do
- This topic has 59 replies and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by
Rox.
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Sari
MARRIED. LIAR.
Kind of amazing your own mother and friends wouldn’t be able to see the basic facts of this situation. I wouldn’t take any more relationship advice from them.
Liz Lemon
I know you’re hurting OP, but I honestly don’t understand where your confusion lies. This man lied to you about something huge. Pretty much the biggest thing you can lie about- having a wife and kids. There’s no confusion there.
You’ve only known him for 6 weeks. I understand you’re attached, but you shouldn’t be so attached after 6 weeks that you can’t walk away from a deception this huge. It doesn’t matter what his wife did or did not do. This is not about her, it’s about him and his big fat lie.
He lied to you. And he only came clean because you found him out. If you hadn’t, he’d most likely still be lying. You are setting yourself up for more deception and heartbreak.
I don’t understand where your mother and friends are coming from either. Their advice stinks, frankly.
Rox
In my mother and friends defence they obviously see that it’s not an ideal situation but they have seen the messages from him and the lengths he’s gone to to convince me they are not together and the reasons why he didn’t tell me. I’m not saying the reasons are valid because I do think he should have told me and flat out lying shouldn’t have been an option-He could have told me the wife and children existed without going into the full details if he didn’t feel he knew me well enough to disclose all that happened in the beginning.
And I haven’t been engaging with him since we spoke 2 nights ago. He’s still sending me little messages here and there but I haven’t been responding because I know if I do it will be even more difficult to detach, which I know is what I really need to do but I haven’t got it in me to block him yet :-(
Jamie
I was literally in the same situation as you dating a man who didn’t tell me he was separated from his wife. I ended up finding out myself and after tons of apologies I agreed to keep seeing him. He ended up lying to me the entire relationship and hurt me in the end. From experience don’t continue to see this man. If he wanted a serious relationship from the beginning he would have told you about the marriage and children.
Trust me I understand it’s a lot easier said than done I didn’t end the relationship when I should’ve and I now I wish I did. Giving you some much needed advice to end it now it’s only gonna get worse.
Dina
“Not an ideal situation”… LMFAO, understatement of the year.
I’m guessing he’s got money and that’s why he’s so fascinating that you can’t bear to walk away. Or something else, like great in bed? Promising you a great life in which he takes care of you? You’re hooked for a reason you’re not letting on because you shouldn’t have even needed to ask what to do with a self absorbed married liar like this.
Ladies, I think it’s time to leave Rox to her own devices and let her find out the hard way what this guy is. We’re all wasting our time and energy giving any more advice. She isn’t going to walk away. He has something she’s desperate to get.
Rags
Forget about the cheating wife, this man denied his own CHILDREN. No real man does that.
Amy S
I cant beleive you would even consider a guy that flat out lied to your face about having a wife and children. Did he think he would be able to keep them hidden for ever. Your feet should not have touched the ground you should have been out of there so fast.
Honeypie
You don’t know someone after 6 weeks, you only know the throws of infatuation. Nothing more.
You have the unenviable added knowledge of knowing he has a wife and children, a fact he flatly denied to you and you know that you found this out by stalking him to find out about him more.
The great man you thought he was showing himself to be isn’t the man he is, this deceit and lie shows that.
We can all guess all sorts- that he’s trying or hoping to get back with his wife and family at some point, that he wants to keep anyone he is seeing casual, secret, away from his wife and children, compartmentalised. You have no real evidence he would ever tell you this huge truth ever. He may have carried on pretending who he isn’t for months and months. Have our met his friends yet? Does he have any? Have you met any of his family yet? Will you? What’s his plan about including you in his life now?
Dear OP, you do rather seem to be minimising the massiveness of this lie about who this man essentially is.
Rox
Dina sorry disappoint you lady but his wealth doesn’t interest me. He also hasn’t promised me anything.
A
Why on earth are you still talking to him? Do you like him lying to you, because the fact that you haven’t blocked him yet is letting him know it’s ok to do what he did, and that you’re willing to hear what he has to say. Don’t give me that much power. I feel like you’re ignoring the advice on here and doing what you want anyway.
A
Don’t give him***
Rox
A I’ve already said I am not talking to him.
Stephen this is what he said. I still don’t make him right though.
Narc
He’s married.
You do nothing with him.
Narc
Continue justifying all of it and continue being his side chick.
Seriously. What other answers are you looking for than those you’ve already received?
Alice
Ha ha this sorry excuse for a man sent you screenshots of private conversations between he and his wife and you don’t even know him? Not only has he clearly established the fact that he is a liar but also an idiot…if you got involved with him then you couldn’t trust him with your personal information either. Kick him to the curb.
Anderson
Run tf away. You’ve been conned and manipulated.
Kylie
Well Rox, if you’re not into his money then what is so irresistible about this man that you can’t do the obviously smart thing and walk away?? There’s something you’re not telling here. My mother would kick my tail for dating a guy like this. Parents don’t want their children to be hurt. Your whole story doesn’t make any sense.
Louise
When you’re a parent and serious about dating having children is one of the first things you disclose because it affects your availability, priorities etc.
Whether or not he wanted to acknowledge being married to the ex, not mentioning the children does sound like he had no intention of ever considering integrating you into his life. It’s not an easy thing to just suddenly reveal when you’ve not mentioned it before, as you’ve discovered by finding it out for yourself!
However ‘nice’ he is, he’s got questionable intent and I don’t think you can trust him.
Rox
It’s interesting to me that you have all chosen to overlook the fact I have said I am not engaging with him. I haven’t spoken to him since Tuesday it’s now Sunday.
Seems like I’m being bashed here for being naive to a situation, for getting close to someone in 6 weeks who presented themselves to me as someone who was available. I don’t care what any of you here say there is no such thing as being too invested after 6 weeks, I liked who I thought the guy was and was happy with the pace and direction I thought we were going, I’m not in love.
I would never knowingly sleep with a married man and I don’t tolerate being lied to. I’ve told the story to answer the (?) from some of you not to defend him. Although I believe him that doesn’t mean I am overlooking the fact he originally lied to me.
Get it together ladies, stop picking out the pieces of a story to suit yourselves.
JMJ
LMFAO – could you be any more clueless and self-righteous?? And rude to everyone who’s trying to help you???
So you haven’t talked with him since Tuesday… what do you want, a medal? You also haven’t cut him off yet, have you. As Omg pointed out, you were still ruminating on how to handle and lamenting you didn’t have the strength to cut him off just a couple of days ago.
This is typical from a woman who asked for advice and got advice she doesn’t like.
Guess what Rox! You now know he’s a married man, with no intention of getting divorced. If you sleep with him again, you go against what you claim your values are.
And if you REALLY “don’t tolerate being lied to” then you wouldn’t even be here posting asking what to do, you would have cut him off the instant you found out he lied. We aren’t talking little white lies here, we’re talking deliberate concealment of the truth and the existence of his own children. He’s really f’ed in the head. And so you are, sadly. Your mother and “friends” are complete idiots if they think you should keep seeing him.
You’re going to keep seeing him. Good luck with that.
And Stephen, you’re the biggest idiot of all time. There are plenty of people who will date a single mom or dad. Being honest about who you are right up front weeds out the people who aren’t going to like what you are, and that shouldn’t be shameful or bad. Starting off by lying doesn’t create the basis for a relationship.
JMJ
He won’t have money once he’s done paying her alimony and child support plus handing over the house plus half of whatever else he has. If there even is a divorce.
In the UK and certain other European countries a man gets totally screwed, no matter what his wife has done. It’s like trying to fire an employee in those countries. Often easier to just keep them around. Or it will cost a fortune to pay them off to go away.
Sometimes people just stay married. Look how long Charles and Diana stayed married even though it was over, it took the Queen to order them to file for divorce.
Hon
Look at all the crap he’s been putting you through before you’re even in a committed relationship!
It will get worse and your insecurities will drain you.
Dont get involved with a man unless he has been divorced for awhile. Right now you are a distraction for him, that’s all dear. He needs some relief from the BS this woman is causing him.
He will cling on to you and make you think he cares. Just remember the more you pull away, the more like it will seem he wants you. Yeah it feels so good to be wanted, especially if we feel lonely.
Please dont be manipulated. Look for someone who is totally free to love you. This guy wont.
Helen
He’s simply trying to get over the last one by getting another one under him. He’s using you to distract himself from her and from the process of filing for divorce.
If he’s so traumatised by what his wife did to him – and she is STILL HIS WIFE, she’s not an ex – that he can’t talk about it and is so unable to tell a stranger, then he has absolutely no business dating. He hasn’t even begun to process what happened, much less actually deal with it and heal. I agree that it’s very possible they won’t ever divorce and he might go back to her some day for the sake of the children. Although since he denied their existence to you, I question what kind of a parent he is.
This whole thing, him denying he is married and has children, then getting caught and pleading his “innocence” by showing you texts of her cheating is the work of an extremely damaged man in total denial and taking no responsibility for his choices and actions of blatantly lying to you, so he could use you to cover the pain he’s in.
Her texts to her lover have nothing to do with this situation and it’s mindbogglingly inappropriate that he shared them with you.
He needs counseling, badly, and you need to close the door on him for good. He isn’t available for a relationship no matter what he tells you. And won’t be for a long, long time. He’s in an incredibly selfish place if he’s trying to convince you to keep seeing him.
If you lived in America, you could sue him for FRAUD and for pain and suffering. What he’s done is that wrong.
I take it you met him online?
Paige
Everyone here knows you’re just gonna go back to being his dummy, so why bother asking for advice?
Rox
I’m 29 and focused on my career, do you really think I want to take on this kind of baggage and drama.
Whatever I said or felt yesterday, 3 days ago, a week ago isn’t significant if I am telling you I’ve not had any further conversations with him and have no intention of seeing him ever again.
Yes I was confused, it was all a massive shock to me, I didn’t know what to think or do initially. Who said I didn’t listen to advice or wanted to hear anything other than run away?? Only assumptions along with me wanting his money that you all made up by your own admission.
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