Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He’s not sure about his feelings pt. 2
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by
Vera.
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Lanai
Hi everyone. Few days ago, I posted a thread about this guy I’m dating for 4 months who had a hesitation about our “relationship”. To sum it up, last week he canceled our date because he wanted to have the weekend to himself. And later he told me that he’s unsure about his feelings towards me.
Update: Since my last post, we’ve gone on 2 dates this week. Both were enjoyable. We still kissed, held hands and did the usual stuff like before. However, sex didn’t happen and neither did the talk. It’s like none of us wanted to talk about what was going on, either because the time we had was so good or we’re afraid to know the answer, whatever it might be.
But I noticed he texted less frequent. And if he did, I sensed it’s only out of politeness like “How’s your day going?” or short answers like “Yes, that sounds good.” And in those 2 dates, he didn’t invite me back to his place after dinner, which he usually did before.
So last night, I texted him: “I’m off to bed now. Hopefully we will talk eventually, because I feel like we’ve been on the surface level lately. Good night.” To which he replied: “We will. Good night.”
Does it mean he agrees that there are problems, hence we need to talk? All the signs show he has lost his interest in me. Honestly I am nervous. But it’s better to clear the air sooner than later right? What’s the best way to initiate the conversation? Thanks a lot everyone.
Tallspicy
We don’t know what he means. But we still suggest you stop doing any initiating, and open yourself up to other men. I also suggest you stop being so available to go out with him. Rengage with your own life.
Lane
If after 4 months he’s not NATURALLY wanting to progress this then his feelings aren’t there and aren’t going to change at this point. Sadly, you refuse to listening to what he told you, whereas the moment he told you “he wasn’t feeling it” was YOUR CUE to end this in your head and walk away!
You can’t force people to have feelings that they don’t have. Think of a guy who liked you a lot but you didn’t like him back that way—same concept. Poor guy is TRYING to let you down easy, but you are like a dog with a bone you keep hanging on believing that more time will change his mind—it will not.
Sorry, but men make up their mind pretty quickly and if they aren’t ALL IN after a few months, then you are not only wasting his time but your own by spending it with someone who’s never going to love you!
Please do yourself, and him a favor, let him go and spend your time dating a man who WANTS to be with you.
Newbie
I dont see what air needs to be cleared. You keep going on dates with him but its clearly over. He is a decent guy for not having sex with you though. He is not in love with you. He is not feeling it. Its sad but it happens a lot. Why arent you the one to call it quits just to let yourself of the hook? These latest sort of dates sound agony to me
Liz Lemon
i agree with the other ladies. He’s going through the motions but isn’t feeling it. No sex, no inviting you to his home after dinner, dry emotionless texts…at 4 months you should be in the honeymoon period. There should be passion and excitement between you two. If at this point he’s not feeling it, he’s not going to.
It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, or that he’s a bad guy. It just happens. It sounds like you’re both avoiding a difficult conversation but why drag it out.
I’m curious, did he initiate your last 2 dates? Or did you?
I wouldn’t initiate anymore. And if/when he reaches out about getting together just tell him you feel like there’s no connection between you two and that you wish him the best but you should both move on and date people you’re enthusiastic about.
Jo
One thing I’ve learnt from my male friends is men don’t necessarily end relationships because they don’t see a future. If they’re enjoying spending time with you or getting some benefit from it they will let it continue until they find someone they do see a future with.
He does sound like a decent guy as others have said. He’s been honest about his feelings and is not using you for sex. Unless you’re happy to have him as a platonic friend it’s up to you to end it as he doesn’t seem to see a reason to. Even if he continues to initiate dates, it doesn’t mean he’s changed his mind.
Anon
Agree that he wants to end this but doesn’t seem to know how and he’s hoping you’ll break it off. So an easy way to do this is not contact him anymore and mirror him. If he texts you- you text him, if he asks to go out with you- then go ahead. I would guess if you stopped initiating anything, he will fade. He possibly doesn’t like carried out break-ups with lots of drama.
Lanai
Tallspicy – Yes I don’t know what he means. Maybe it’s not a bad thing to find out?
Liz – He initiated both dates. He hasn’t initiated the next one though, which probably he never will. I feel like he tried to see what could happen, but he just was not feeling it.
Newbie – It is an agony. To try to make the dates work.
Lane – Yeah I thought it was my cue to leave, until he asked me to meet up with him again. And I thought, if he still wanted to try, why wouldn’t I?
Jo – Nah, I don’t want him to be my platonic friend. I have enough of them.
Anon – So, should I break it off first? I don’t want to have loose ends with him.
K
I would just call him and say hey, clearly we’re not going to progress and I’m OK with that so I just wanted to say it was great to spend some time with you and get to know you and I wish you all the luck in your future. If you don’t want to call, then just text. If he asks to be “friends” then tell him you appreciate the thought but that’s not a good idea. And next time a guy cancels a date because he wants some time for himself and tells him he doesn’t know how he feels about you, just gracefully bow out at that point. Otherwise guys try to keep you around as entertainment until they find the next one and you don’t need it.
Anon
I would just mirror him. If you don’t hear from him- he’s not interested in you- so I would assume it’s over. After a week of no contact, you can send the “it’s over” text. It’s hard to explain if you’ve never had someone really into you- but when they want you, there’s nothing to wonder about.
T from NY
Don’t allow a good man to have you as a placeholder girlfriend. That’s all that’s happening here. I’m sorry he didn’t turn out to be your person – I know it hurts. But you’re just putting off grieving it. It’s already over. Best to luck in healing and not allowing any dude to keep you around after he tells you he’s not feeling it.
Mandy
Match & mirror! It’s my advice.
He gives 20% then you give 20%
He sends one cold text, you send one cold text.
Invest where there potential for good returns.
Make time for people who love you and want you and show you.I find men to be very honest in needs and wants and it’s often women who try to excuse a lack of interest “maybe he’s so busy” or “maybe he wants to see where it will go”
No. Men know when they know. If they want a girl, they will go after the girl. They chase girls they like. They won’t cancel and straight up tell you they aren’t interested. As rubbish as the truth can be, you’re now free to find a better suited partner, who will adore you. Don’t settle for crumbs when you can get a loaf elsewhere.My ex? Strung me along for months being in a state of “uncertainty” then dropped me when the next best thing came along. Don’t be me. Respect yourself to know you deserve 100%
LaFrance Thibodeaux
I wouldn’t deal with him periodt!..I wouldn’t express my feelings in anyway because he already can sense that you want more..He told you he’s unsure of his feelings thinking that you’d catch the drip..IM0,a nice way of saying we can be cool & casual,but nothing more..If that’s what he feels then sweetie there’s nothing more to say or nothing more that you can do with him..I think we’ve all been strung along at some point,Some more than others..What I’ve learned is when you take it slow,don’t expect to much,& most definitely don’t invest your precious feelings you’ll always come out on top..Another thing,every man whom you crossed paths with isn’t meant for you..Some men are damn good friends but terrible boyfriends..So,if theirs someone else out their that he wants,let her have him & perhaps his uncertainty as well..You can’t be selfish in the game of dating there are too many options..
Khadija
I agree with many of the other posters, its time to move on.
Many guys have a hard time officially ending things and will fade out, cancel dates, and stop initiating hoping you’ll do it.
I’d thank him for his honesty and wish him all the best. Please don’t take the let’s be friends as a consolation prize either.
I’ve been in your place and it sucks but, all this means is he’s not the one. Someone else is out there and better for you.
Vera
I would really just end it at this point . When a guy is feeling it it’s very obvious . What this guy has done is the exact opposite . There really is no point in continuing . If it makes you feel better to talk to him about it that’s fine (only if it will help you move on) but after the conversation I would really just no longer date him. I know it’s tough . It’s something I’ve done many times and honestly , looking back I’m so happy I did end those when I did . This way you’ll move on faster .
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