He’s slow fading after 3 months, need some reassurance

I”m sorry, this is a painful and all too common situation here.

You MUST honor your heart and your body by saying something BEFORE you get sexual with a guy.

Like, “hey, we’ve been having a great time together and I’m enjoying getting to know you. I want to bring up where I”m at before we get intimate. I’m interested in having a monogamous relationship with a future at some point with the right man. It’s early on for us, so I’m not concerned with labels at the moment. My standard for myself is that I only get into a sexual relationship with someone who is in a similar place in life and is on a similar path. Where do you feel you are in your life regarding relationships?” Or something along those lines. And then SHUT UP and listen and observe what he says and does. His body language and words should match.

So that’s what you do in the future so you don’t wind up in this position again.

In this situation, match what he does. Don’t start chasing. You may be right, he may be fading out. Be careful what you say – don’t go at him with “where is this going”, that’s a weak position. And don’t do the dirty work of breaking it off without considering carefully what you would say to end it if that’s what you want to do. And DO NOT do that in text or email.

As it’s often said here, you can’t sex a man into a relationship and you can’t assume because you’re having sex that you’re in one.

If he does fade away, decide that you’ve learned once and for all how to handle dating and sex early on. For what it’s worth, most budding relationships tank at the 3-4 month mark, that’s normal.

You were talking about sexual exclusivity. That’s entirely different from being in an official relationship.

5 dates in two months isn’t very much time together.

There’s no magic number of dates that have to happen before sex is OK. It’s different with each guy. The question is, do you really have enough evidence you’re on the same page. That’s more than words or discussions.

Getting exclusive that early is risky. You don’t really have enough evidence to decide if he meets your standards. Its getting all in too fast. Men take longer than that to decide. It’s at about the 3-4 month mark they figure it out. Women get sold on a man sooner. That’s the disconnect. Women are all in and then the guy says well it’s been nice but I don’t see a future here and is out and she’s left brokenhearted. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Slow down. Enjoy the process of getting to know a man. Watch and listen. You don’t have to ask too many direct questions to find out what he really is. His behavior, words, environment, relationship history, etc will give you massive clues and you use that to decide if he’s up to scratch. Women are the real choosers. Stop handing all the power to him.

@Erin, I’d really like to catch up with him, since I know he had a work conference and a wedding to go to this past week. But he’s not been reaching out to me first and I feel a bit awkward asking him that since he never Facetimed me back. I took it to mean he wants to back off.

@Angie Baby thank you, you have wise words and good points.

@T from NY you always have great advice. My last few dating situations that made it past the first few dates have fizzled out at the 2 to 3 month mark, and always I sense a shift after we start to sleep together. It makes me feel like it was wrong for me to sleep with this guy, or silly for interpreting his actions and behavior before that as someone who wanted a relationship.

Yes 5 dates in 2 months before we started to become physical isn’t a lot, but we were both out of town so it was difficult to meet up. It’s going to suck to see him around the sports club we are both members at. He showered me with a lot of attention and consistent communication early on. This super stings because he’s the first guy I met post lockdown, and it was a strong connection right away.

With the last guy, I felt like I continued to try to reach out even though he was pulling away and only texted me here and there over a month. For this situation, I’m going to stop initiating contact as I have learned my lesson. And going forward I’ll be more explicit about what I’m looking for in a relationship before being intimate with someone. And it sounds like I can’t take anything guys say in the first 3 months or so too seriously, because they might just be looking to get attention from me and not looking to give commitment.

Stop contacting him. He knows where to find you…. Every man who was my boyfriend escalated after sex. Any one who did not disappointed me. But I let them go.

Kad

If you’re okay with not doing anything or reaching out then it’s fine too. You shouldn’t do stuff that makes you uncomfortable.

The ‘let’s meet’ text I suggested was more of a test to see where he’s at before making drastic decisions. It wasn’t you asking him out per se, I think we can all agree that ship has sailed. It’s so you can get clarity and closure and a resolution. It’s you getting your power back and not leave it in some guy’s hands.

Relationships with ambiguous endings trouble a lot of people. A lot of threads here are about guys or girls who left people high and dry without a word and those people thinking they can salvage the relationships somehow.

It’s not a good state to be in. You know the person is not into you but you keep rationalizing, I’ve seen a lot of women rationalizing here because of these relationships which end silently.

Are you ready to close that chapter ambiguously while just wait for him to ghost?

There’s a great article on this site about “when to have sex with a guy”. I suggest you read it. As you mentioned, it’s not about the number of dates. It’s about the connection you build with a guy before you sleep with him. So waiting 5 or 6 or 7 dates to sleep with a guy means nothing if he doesn’t feel an emotional bond with you first.

Tallspicy is spot on that men who want to be boyfriends act like it. They escalate their interactions with you over time. 5 dates in 2 months is not much at all, unfortunately. So that right there indicates he was not terribly invested. And a guy should absolutely be escalating things with you (more contact) after sex– the fact that he’s not shows you where he’s at.

It’s also important to remember that a lot of relationships fizzle out at 3-4 months, as has already been mentioned. It doesn’t mean the guy was lying or being fake with you while you dated. A guy can be really into a girl and enjoy her company for a few months, then he sits back and takes stock and asks himself if he wants a long-term commitment with her. Unfortunately the answer is often no. But it doesn’t mean the guy wasn’t genuine or didn’t have feelings for you while you were dating. It just means he doesn’t feel strongly enough to take it further. It’s disappointing but it’s just how dating works.

I’m sorry this is happening to you! It sucks.