He's stopped contacting… pls help me keep perspective

Very well said Pamella

Lane you tell a lot of stories about your ex husband, and what your relationship was while you were married. I wonder what caused you two to be divorced. Secondly,unlike then we now live in a time where technology is available and so advanced that there are no excuses for a man to go for days, never mind a month of no contact with a woman he professes to love or is interested in.

So while you speak so much of the past,and look at relationships the way they were twenty or thirty years ago, the fact is things have changed. We live in a much more modern society,where technology makes it so easy to reach out and communicate in so many different ways. It’s literally at one’s finger tips. It’s not about having constant phone calls it’s to nurture the relationship and to check in with the person you care about. For a man to use the excuse of being so busy that he can’t spare a minute to keep in touch is just BS, it means that he just does not want to make the effort,or the person does not mean too much to him.

Again when women accept this type of behavior,from a man she is accepting crumbs, and feels she can not do any better. It is said that we teach people how to treat us. When women pretend that they are happy going for days without some form of contact from a man who claims to love or is interested in her it is only to look good in the man’s eyes and to not come across as “needy” If a man truly loves a woman and wants to be with her, he will not see her as being needy,he will relish the fact that she wants to hear from him. He will make sure he keeps in contact with her on a regular basis, this means that he would never go more than a day or two without some form of contact.

Of course there will be times when daily contact is not possible, or when a man is not into you,but to pretend that infrequent contact is ok, that is pure BS

Indeed, and Lane, in your previous comment you stated, “Today women”…not some, it is too general a description. Not all women want constant contact. But men and women need to consider one another when in a relationship. Even before technology, lovers wrote letters, it wasn’t just the girl penning her feelings and the guy doing nothing, so it is a ridiculous to conceive that now when communication is the easiest it has ever been in the history of time, that a person saying “I can’t contact you for a month” unless they are on a desert Island. P.S. Why do you feel the need to use capitals in your messages – are you shouting Lane??
And yes Stephanie, I know you have been on this site for many months – I have read your posts where you said you read every bit of this site and learned everything you now know (I’m presuming you’re the same Stephanie, mid/early 40’s?) It is important to recognise what our needs are, whether by using the ‘Love Languages’ strategy or something else; nonetheless, when a ‘committed’ partner (male or female) says they can not contact you for a month – with all the ways there are to communicate today, that is somewhat of a red flag, not, neediness.

Pamella, you don’t seem to get it. Look at the current statistics with 50% of marriages now ending in divorce, now tell me again how all this instant communication is “nurturing” relationships?

I don’t SEE IT, because back in my day we spent most of our TIME TOGETHER, not on a phone, and if I recall this is how REAL HUMAN relationships are developed and nurtured, not speaking or typing through devices. If you need to rely on a phone, and not spending more time together then knock yourself out, but I and most of my girlfriends were far more successful in dating and relationships when technology didn’t exist v. today, so maybe your generation doesn’t have it all figured out?

Believe it or not, but relationships DO NOT crumble or fall apart if you haven’t spoken to each other for a month or longer! That is as an outright FALLACY whereas billions of couples have SURVIVED such over centuries, and I’ve personally know many that made their marriages stronger—talk to the wives of POW’s! You can conjure up all kinds of “excuses” but the fact remains not receiving a phone call isn’t going to make or break a relationship—its how the couple DEALS with real life situations and if one or both can’t then you will fail.

Janet, you’ve been on here long enough to know caps are not yelling, its for EMPHASIS since there’s no way to bold or italicize…some use them some don’t.

I get that there were other forms of communication used in the days of yore but not having contact isn’t going to end a relationship. Its like there’s a cloud of DOOM that if they don’t get a call or text they automatically think the WORST, end up creating drama (go on a needy text rant), then come here wanting to know how to “fix it.”

If this man LOVES HER then whether he gets in touch with her once or 20 times in June isn’t going to change those feelings and that’s the core of what I am trying to relay. Yes, he can get in touch with her during the time he’s gone when he has TIME and I’m sure he will but probably not much and that’s perfectly OK, its not the end of the world, and he will not “fall out of love” because he was super busy for a month.

I digress.

Guys can take advantage because I am spontaneous and hate planning. I like surprises and some degree of unpredictability and being by myself most of the time can be misconstrued in a way that I do not like.

Like, friends will say…you deserve so much more and you can find someone who treats you right…etc. I remind them that I know I can get a man devoted to me, but him willing to be devoted to me is not all that matters. I also have to like him a whole lot…and be in love with him. I mean they think I should consider dating guys who look like Santa Claus….really? I’d give them a heart attack.

Familiarity breeds contempt and absence does make the heart grow fonder. The key is quality time and not quantity…but I would hate to think, on the other hand, that love is still alive in me, while the other person has checked out and moved on and I didn’t even know it…and they’re like…ummm, didn’t you get the message we were through when I didn’t call you for a month…?That is where you’ve got to have comparable needs and expectations in that area.

And that’s fine Soni, but I’m not addicted to technology, HATE TEXTING, HATE THE PHONE barely go on FB (throw some likes out every once in awhile) and talk to my sons maybe once or two months because I know they are FINE and don’t need a mother hen. Never used chat, instagram, twitter, or those other apps/boondoggles that the ladies talk about on here.

I can actually leave my phone at home or in the car because I don’t want to be bothered or when engaged in an activity because I prefer to enjoy the world around me and talking to people in person. I intentionally do not answer my phone when I’m not in the mood to talk and I’m super bad at responding to texts because I’ll read it, put my phone down, and forget all about it! I think I may have engage in about 4 text communications last month—brief and to the point.

I don’t need a man to call me unless he’s planning something to do together or if he needs to provide me info. or an update on something we recently discussed in person. If he wants to chat then he needs to schedule a time for us to see each other—if not then he can call friend. If I wanted a “phone buddy” then I would get one, but I don’t so there it is—I DON’T REQUIRE IT, like Dauny, and I’m perfectly content and happy with it that way because I spend a lot more TIME with men I’m dating/seeing rather than a phone :-)

While still being deeply and passionately in love with him, I mean. But, I am periodically surprised at how unusual habits are interpreted.

I think Lane is a strong independent woman who is not a slave to technology. I think Lane understands men in a way that few women do. I do not think Lane is the question here.

The question is how much contact shows interest. It really depends on the people involved and the situation. There are people who constantly text their SO – there are people who could care less. It depends on what works for you.

I have traveled and I can easily say that contacting home side was not big on my agenda. I can also say that lack of contact can mean lack of interest. Both are true in different situations. I will come back to the basics here. Know your partner, take the time to find out who they are and the meaning they attach to different actions. Know yourself and what you really need from a SO…either they match or not and make your decisions from there.

Nothing is going to be perfect – but too much distance in what two people want and the vision of a life lived well ends the relationship eventually.

I think it is interesting that with all the communication devices we have today and all ways we have to communicate it is so difficult to find lasting love…so maybe it is not how much we communicate but what is being communicated…just a thought.

Hang on.. did this man ever SAY he was not going to contact her for a month??? Sandi, did he say that? I think she was concerned he was going to disappear for a month entirely. it hasn’t happened yet. I rather doubt that if they’ve been dating a year he meant that he was going radio silent for an entire month.

This isn’t about having a go at Lane or anyone. It’s about debating the issue and I think there is some mistake about what the issue actually is. Janet as you’ve clearly been on this site for a long time but either not posted before or posted under another name so then you know that Lane has been very forthcoming about why she got divorced and her issues in the marriage. There is no need to get personal in attacks on Lane or anyone. We had a big blow-up on ANM around Easter because things got personal and cruel. Let’s PLEASE stick to trying to help and understand each other and discussing the issues, not using what people have shared in the spirit of helping other women against them. This is all I’m going to say about this, I’m not getting into any wars with anyone. We are here to help the OP and have a civil and respectful debate about issues.

Guy I dated last year told me he had a very busy month at work coming up and he wouldn’t be as available to see me or email. He explained there were three months out of the year that he was extremely busy and the deadlines were tight. I said thanks for telling me, I understand. I’m doing my thing, will miss you but of course you do what you need to and contact me when you can. Sure enough I only saw him twice that month and the email was less. But he was right back on form after the month. He told me how much he appreciated it, that all the other women he dated had freaked out.

If you want to really understand this read about how men’s brains are different from women’s brains. Not that long ago that was considered such a radical concept it wasn’t discussed! I”m not making excuses for men. And as Lane said there is a big difference between men who blow hot and cold and ghost and generally behave badly and men who are focused on work or another issue. Men do not multi-task nearly as well as women do. They also do not derive their identity and sense of achievement from personal relationships nearly as much as women do. Again, these are not excuses. I learned to understand men here and how to separate out “bad” behavior from simple “man” behavior that is different from female behavior. I revisited Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus last year and it was really helpful. Suggest Sandi and others do the same.