He's stopped contacting… pls help me keep perspective

Wow! great responses here and this topic seems to have definitely touched a nerve. I did say that I anticipate he will be MIA for much of the month because when he gets busy he is not good at multi tasking. But I have to side with Janet… it is not acceptable for a grown man to go missing when he KNOWS (yes we have talked about this before) I find it unsettling. The level of laziness that women are encouraged to accept from men these days is outrageous. Step up, be a man and take care of your woman.
The other thing on my mind is, I know his silence in the month ahead is going to build resentment for me and then when he returns he will no doubt want sex… no way!! what do I do?

Wow Sandi.

From my observation this appears to be a ONE-SIDED relationship, all about what “you” want and need without taking into consideration what HE WANTS or NEEDS. If he doesn’t want or need to remain in constant contact, and you do, then you are not compatible in a very big way and this relationship will eventually dissolve.

Step back for one moment and put his needs before your own. Do you honestly believe spending time with his children and doing the job he’s being paid to perform is far less important than your need to be in constant contact? You are essentially telling him, and what he’s hearing is” “I don’t care what’s going on in your life, I should always be your top priority and if you can’t make me your top priority all the time then don’t ask for sex!”

You do not understand the basic needs of a man. In a relationship, a man wants a woman who SUPPORTS HIS PURPOSE—its the natural order of male and female relationships here on planet earth. A man’s central “purpose” is to provide (bring home the bacon) and protect (keep his family safe from harm). Its NOT a man’s job to coddle and comfort you, that’s what WOMEN DO (nature’s nurturers), so if you need constant coddling and comfort then you need to be with a woman, but if you want a good provider and protector then be with a man.

MEN are from MARS and Women are from Venus…we really are! I see a break up on the horizon.

I don’t think I was attacking anyone. nor using any kind of foul or rude language. just putting across my viewpoint the way others are. I think its ok for all posters to share their views based on their culture, age and experience. and its ok to differ. no1 is the expert here and neither am I.. its up to the initiator of the thread to accept or reject views. the admin can block me from his website if he feels I am being abusive. shrug.

Seriously, this is way too much thinking …. after one year and being exclusive

I would just CALL HIM Period.

or send a text like *Anybody Home? .. <put Angry face icon>

..
I am all for being concentrating on yourself and all, but please it does not mean you cant ever ask him ‘what is going on baby’

hi. Im kind of in the middle of the split opinions on this. I think you can have a great solid relationship that doesn’t involve a load of texting or calling in between dates and also you can have a not so good relationship with lots of communication. We are all different and one mans meat is another mans poison. Personally I think if you care about someone you will make the effort to make them happy and if it means a bit of communication on a regular basis, im not saying daily basis then that’s what you do. If you think you need a bit of communication from a guy to check in and have some chat then that doesn’t make you needy or demanding. Some guys are better at it than others but after a year in an exclusive relationship the communication should be carefree ie if you don’t hear from the guy soon enough then its ok to reach out to him. Personally if hes taking a month off for work and stuff there should at least be a goodbye date before this commences. I think we do sometimes make it too easy for men to give crumbs by trying to be cool and not seem needy but this can cause problesm too as not sayng what you want or expect from a relationship can cause bad feelings and resentment to build up. Again its each to their own and if you want a decent amount of communication then it has to be stated in a way that encourages this. x

Hi Sandi.

I’m not saying its wrong for both the man and woman to “check in” here and there but the problem is it can be relied upon too much and that’s not good either. A man’s TIME is the most precious gift he gives to his woman so if a man is calling but not scheduling time to see you then I would be far more concerned with than then whether he calls or not.

A big part of relationships is negotiating each others wants and needs. Talk and actively listen so you understand each others wants/needs (with in reason) and then find a solution you can both agree upon. When a man is traveling like he is, you have to understand there will be long flights, sleep lags, dealing with nationals, logistics and then doing the work he’s being paid to do. I’m sure he’ll check in here and there but you have to support him by accepting that his job will be his primary focus as it should be because he needs to pay his bills and take you out to dinner when he gets back :-)

Soni doesn’t want ‘constant’ contact Lane, she never said that. She doesn’t want ‘no’ contact for the whole month. That’s not needy, nor selfish, that is normal.
Oh, and in reply to your comment on “days of yore” Lane, those are the years you are always spouting about before mobile phones, multimedia/social networking and many other modern forms of communication. There is absolutely no reason for him not to be in some contact for that length of time – none. People who profess to love each other do not do this, male or female and its absurd to stress that they do. And also – not all men are the same, as not all women are. Its complete poppycock to suggest one size fits all – lunacy! Lol

I think there are 2 schools of thought here. one which seems to be quite against technology as a communicative tool in relationships and one which is pro but at the same time in a constructive way.. janet I get u completely..

No one is talking about no personal or face to face meetings. no1’s advocating that. that’s always the best but when that’s not convenient on a regular basis, what does one do to interact on a reg basis? isn’t it simple in today’s world with so many choices available in which u can stay in touch??

Coming down to this particular thread, I guess what we are saying to sandi is there is really no need or requirement for someone to be in “zero contact” simply because he’s travelling to other countries and that too for a month. I don’t think we ever talked about constant touch, every day texts and calls. just that there is no need to fall off the face of the earth for a month just because he’s travelling. that’s all. but now taking into consideration some peoples averseness to interacting using latest interactive communicative tools, he can be excused for asking for a month off if he’s also of a similar mind set.

ANd Lane I know u can argue your view points very well. u don’t need advocates to do that for u or defend u.. u didn’t take offence at my views and neither did I at yours. v just think differently on certain stuff :). love and peace to all.

Soni, you are twisting my words around. I did not say I was “against” technology, I’m just against how ITS USED today. Its relied on far too much; to the point humans are no longer communicating or interacting with each other in a way that improves relationships, but now degrades them (as RCS pointed out). Technology cannot replace human “verbal” and “non verbal” cues that one must rely on to properly encode and decode a message, thought, feeling, emotion, etc., which is why texting has become one of the TOP TWO reasons men and women struggle the most in dating and relationships today.

Technology has become A BARRIER to one-on-one human communication, and as Dauny so eloquently stated, NEARNESS (togetherness) is the only way you can truly assess how someone “feels” about you, and if your CONFIDENT in their feelings/love for you, then you wouldn’t NEED to rely on an external device. If you NEED IT, then something is missing or you don’t feel safe and secure in the relationship and are looking for external ways to feel validated. If I feel safe and confident in a man’s love, then I don’t need to rely on external sources, such as a phone, for him to prove or validate it for me—I feel it when I’m WITH HIM and that’s what truly matters to me.

I never said it can’t be used, but that its OVERUSED…huge difference. Hearing from and calling your man when your apart for an extended period of time to bridge “the gap” (make sure your both OK and brief synopsis of your activities/upcoming plans) is fine, but it shouldn’t REPLACE communication that is better discussed when your together again or you will have nothing to talk about :-P

Agree with Ivy and Lane on this, although I understand all points.

It really is how you think about the situation, and as Ivy pointed out, going into it with negative thinking will only increase your anxiety and you’ll be paying too much attention to all the times you DON’T hear from him instead of being happy for when you actually do.

I don’t see what the issue is here, to be honest. Other than this month he will be gone, you said yourself that he is usually in regular contact with you, so it isn’t like you have a history in your relationship of him being shit at texting and calling.

As Lane has pointed out and provided in her examples, you should be able to hold your own for a while when he is away on business. Men are work and action oriented people. Work comes first, always. When they have too much on their plate, usually their personal relationships are the first thing to suffer. That is how ALL men are, so if you have a problem with that, then perhaps you shouldn’t date men period.

You have to get out of the mindset of “needing” him to contact you ‘x’ amount of times for you to be ok. That is the definition of neediness; when you NEED someone to act in a certain way for you to be ok and to calm your anxiety, then you are being needy. If you are confident in your relationship and trusting of your man, he should be able to be gone for days, weeks, or even a month to handle business, and you should know that your relationship will be ok and when he returns all will be right between you two.

This is not to say that it is ok if he has a pattern of disappearing for weeks at a time for non work related reasons; that is just poor treatment and shouldn’t be tolerated. But in this instance, give him a pass, be very understanding, and don’t hound him about how often he reaches out. If you sit tight and let him take care of business, he will come back being exceedingly grateful and he will repay you for it tenfold.

He is probably expecting you to not be understanding. Do you want to act the way he expects you to, or do you want to leave him pleasantly surprised that you aren’t bothered?

Lane, what I was meaning is a guy can’t take a girl for granted in a dating relationship. The way hers is going they may as well part because it sounds like he could care less.

UPDATE!
I just found this thread that I started last year and I’m kind of amazed to look back at my mind set. I’ve really come a long way! Much of it is thanks to the women on this forum.
We did make it through the month of June but last summer was rocky. He was stressed at work, with his kids and more. I never thought that I should come first (and knew that wasn’t a reality at any point) but I felt like I was coming pretty close to last and it didn’t feel good.
Things got worse when he just shut down on me because of things going on in his life. i told him that I can’t accept that and, things got a bit heated . I thought about it for a few days and wrote to him saying I thought it was time we parted ways, it just wasn’t enjoyable and we seemed to want different things. He said please take some time to think about it but if that’s is what I really want them so be it.
In the following weeks, he continued to contact me for one reason or another. I had completely considered it over and was at peace, even relieved.
A few weeks later he asked to meet for coffee and I went. He said he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. I told him I loved him too but I was not willing to try again with him without him understanding what I want. 2 things.. better communication and more frequent dates (the latter I knew was going to be tough bc of his traveling schedule). He agreed to both. I went back into it with trepidation and holding on to the strength that I had gained which was the ability to walk at any point if he wasn’t stepping up. But here we are… still together! He has kept his promise and in turn I have no stress about the communication lapses.I look at my post from last year and the turmoil all comes back to me.. but it’s gone! I created boundaries, communicated expectations and showed him I would exit if they weren’t met. His respect for me increased 10 fold. I learned that here so a big thank you to all!!
He is right now flying back from a three week global trip for work and it has been so easy.. no stress , no drama, he texts me when he wants, I text him, when in want, no pressure and he can’t wait to get back to me.
One other thing I’ve learned is to never punish a man… it just does not work at all. Rewarding good behavior is much more effective!
So cheers to all you ladies… cheers to learning about ourselves and all forms of personal growth, and not accepting less than we want or deserve!