Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › His online account is still active
- This topic has 34 replies and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by
Erin.
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Ewa
good for you girl! and well done as well for standing your ground. next time you will know that men usually commit within 3-4 months if they don’t then have a conversation if they tell you that are not ready to commit then it is best to leave.
Liz Lemon
Good for you for confronting him and breaking it off. There is no way for him to justify talking to other women online on dating apps if you two are exclusive! The whole point of dating exclusively is that it EXCLUDES other people and you focus on getting to know each other better. If he is talking to other women, he’s not focused on developing a relationship with you.
And his comment about “if I wanted him to not be online, just tell him, why confront him and make myself feel I’m the victim”, is total gaslighting! Wow. You shouldn’t have to TELL your exclusive boyfriend not to talk to women on dating apps, jeez. It goes with the territory of being exclusive.
You did not overreact in the least. You did the right thing. And yes, it’s true that if a guy is into you (like really into you, as in he feels something for you), he locks you into exclusivity pretty early on- within a month or two of dating, max. Because he doesn’t want you talking to other guys and possibly losing you to someone else. So I think this guy was not that into you (to be blunt). Better to cut him loose and not waste your time. I know it stings, and I’m sorry for that, but better to find out sooner rather than later.
Ss
The lesson to take from this is when you have a DDR you need to be explicit with each other regarding expectations. You agreed to be serially exclusive. To you that meant not talking to or dating others and to him that just meant not having sex with others. Based on what you agreed it was only sexual exclusivity but for some reason you also assumed that meant not chatting to or meeting other women. I don’t know why you thought that as sexual exclusivity means just that…
You and your friend were right – he was talking to others online but it seems to me that he was entitled do so. It wasn’t what you wanted so you’ve parted ways and that’s a good thing.
Its perfectly normal to feel upset and hurt but just make sure in the future you are clear about the boundaries of the relationship so there is no room for confusion
Maddie
The red flag for future relationships isn’t just the guy not committing after a couple months, it’s the inability to talk about it easily. Your now ex was being a jerk in trying to deflect by blaming you for confronting him (of course you shouldn’t need to separately ask him to close his account if you’re officially bf/gf exclusive!). However, you should be able to talk about something like that without it being an all out confrontation in a healthy dating / relationship situation. When it’s this hard to bring up, that’s actually the bigger issue.
I’m sorry things turned out that way, but it’s for the best. I’ve had two situations where guys I was (just) dating for a few months wouldn’t stop talking to new women online, and both had some messy commitment issues. I didn’t run away the first time that I should have but I firmly slammed the door on the second guy because I’d learned my lesson from the first one. And I’m glad your bestie has your back as well as good boundaries (she was right that it wasn’t her place to confront him, because it’s between the two of you to figure out your situation).
Louise
I wouldn’t know what I’d do without my bestie, I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for her.
Louise
I wanted to be exclusive with him because I wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend but I guess to him means otherwise.
I thought exclusivity means when two people are not romantically pursuing other partners and that we were boyfriend and girlfriend cos that’s what happened with my two exes. When I told them I wanted to be exclusive, they introduced me to their friends and family as his girlfriend.
My best friend told me that exclusivity doesn’t mean boyfriend and girlfriend, he just likes to hang out with me. I told her despite spending 4–5 nights a week together, going out on weekends, taking me to dinner, the movies, calling, texting, bringing me gifts… you know, acting like a boyfriend after having the talk of being exclusive.
We had a routine. We had sex and companionship on lock. He knew I wasn’t going anywhere and guess what? According to him we weren’t even dating. We were just “hanging out”. She told me that if he’s not calling me his girlfriend, then I’m not his girlfriend.
Thanks for this insight, I’m glad I’m not the only one who had the same issue.
Maddie
Ugh. I hate guys like this. He’s technically right, but I feel like this is selfish f*boi territory and not dating in good faith. He’s looking for excuses to get away with what he wants without taking any responsibility. Though I suppose it can just be miserably bad communication.
Re-read my earliest reply in this thread. What I said is the best way to avoid finding yourself in a similar situation in the future. Getting comfortable with yourself and communicating your needs and strengthening your boundaries (because you trust yourself more, not because you trust guys less) is game-changing. It definitely helped me stop picking time wasters and stop leading myself on! You’ll get through this.
Louise
This guy has taught me the difference between dating exclusively to exclusive relationship…it’s a relationship lesson for me.
Ewa
yes and this is a problem for many women, they assume if we see each other often , we are not dating others , we are in relationship, but guys don’t see it that way.
some people don’t think there is a need to put a label on it, but there is.
I am dating someone at the moment , over a month now so in 2 months I will be asking him what are we question…Erin
Sorry it didn’t work out the way you hoped. It seemed he wasn’t ready to be serious with you.
The problem with online dating now is that it makes people feel disposable, like there’s always the next best person waiting for you just around the corner. It’s like a holy grail mission.
A person may like you and want you but they’re thinking wait, what if there’s another ‘perfect’ woman on the app waiting for someone like me. Before long they’re swiping and talking to many girls again.i believe some people have lost real relationships because they just can’t stop swiping.
So maybe try meeting guys in real life too, you sound like a cool girl and you deserve a decent guy.
Good luck
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