Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › His other “Girlfriend”
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Liz Lemon.
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Kate
My boyfriend of two years has this “girlfriend” his best buddy here in our city; he has friends all over the works. He’s super good at close friendships, maintaining them and cultivating them. Here, he has this girl, who is his friend, whom sort of encouraged him to start dating me. For the 7 years he’s lived here, he hung out with her and her friends, even is super close to her family; when we met he was “one of them.” My life is full, fitting him in was a challenge but here we are two years later still making a go of it. I have no doubt he is faithful and committed to us. Still, here’s this girl, she’s obnoxious, dresses slutty, is attention seeking and does things that I feel are disrespectful to me. Recently, we attended an event that her family was hosting. The minute we walked in she makes a beeline to him and proceeds to give him a titty-twister and pinches his butt; all the while barely saying hello to me. She makes it a point to be overly welcoming to him at every opportunity. Most recently, she felt the need to butt into a personal issue he and I were having. Trying to get him proof of me having a continued connection with a very persistent ex. She had half truths and lies and yet still felt the need to call my boyfriend effectively creating strain and hurt feelings. After much discussion he and I were able to work past her actions and words and come to our understanding of the reality of any situation concerning me and an ex; nonexistent. He knows I am not fond of her, I don’t trust her, I don’t believe she respects our relationship and yet he still maintains a connection. Follows her on social media, interacts with her accounts, texts with her and will occasionally have drinks with her and friends if he and I are for some reason not together. It bothers me to no end. I don’t want to give an ultimatum, making him choose feels wrong; yet him keeping this connection with her going is unsettling. I would love any and all advice.
Girlnextdoor
You have to give the ultimatum and make him choose.
T from NY
You either accept a man the way he is or walk away. Full stop.
OF course you can calmly and without accusation tell him how you feel. He’s your boyfriend. Let him know you had been alright with it in the past, but now the closeness and her disrespect of your relationship, especially openly in front of others, has become untenable to you. BUT be prepared for if he chooses her, or just chooses to take his relationship with her underground.
At two years there should be some discussion of a future together, yes? This guy either sees building a life with you and doing whatever he can to make you happy, or he’ll want to keep things status quo. You gotta know what you are prepared to do – for your own happiness and peace of mind — or things will just carry on and you’ll be miserable and unhappy. Either way – how you handle this, and how he responds to it – will tell a lot about both of you. I wish you luck.
mama
He’s not going to end his friendship with her, especially knowing that the family is part of his life as well. They are intertwined. An ultimatum requires an entire upheaval of his life and he sounds very comfy where he’s at right now.
I think an ultimatum is a losing battle. And I think “T from NY” had some very salient points in her reply — specifically about how you deal with this particular issue.
I’m more of the philosophy of ‘keep my friends close and my enemies closer’. If this were my situation, I’d dive into making friends with her because she’s not going away. I actually did this in a past relationship and once I befriended the gal, she sort of faded away. As to the “why” I’m not really sure. Either she decided I was good enough for her unrequited love interest or she grew to like/respect me enough to back off. Anyway, it’s another technique to consider.
I really hope you decide on a course of action that feels right for you. But you do have to do something because this is eating you up and eventually it’s going to tear down the relationship.
Raven
This sounds familiar… You’ve posted about this before?
Newbie
To me its familiar too. I think you posted multiple times so im not sure what you want to hear again. Clearly you changed nothing except build of more agitation. What more important to you: he is faithful and commited or how she is acting which seems to me how she is in general. I dont think that will attract a lot of guys honestly. If you want want to give an ultimatum but it keeps bugging you, how do want to settle this? You gave the anwer already, you will post here in a few months again with the same question.
Newbie
*if you dont want to give an ultimatum
Alice
Since I’m seeing others say you posted about this before I’ll make this short.
I couldn’t deal with a situation like this. At the end of the day, it’s what you are willing and not willing to deal with. There’s no way in hell I’d want a man who has a flirty, over-stepping woman in his life that he probably would refuse to get rid of.
That’s just me.
I’d dump him and let them have their “friendship”. At the end of the day, this is your life and what you make of it.
Kate
Thank you all for such thoughtful & insightful advice. I’ve never posted on this forum before; or any other forums for that matter. So, it seems someone else has had a very similar situation. It’s so hard for me because at this time & during quarantine/stay at home, we are always together. His interaction with her is so limited except to his liking her “influencer” page on Instagram, which I find totally disgusting. So even that is eating away at me to such an extent that I came to A New Mode and ran into this forum. Your comments are a great source of wisdom. I need to digest this all. Thank you so much! …& keep them coming if there’s more insight & wisdom on the matter.
Kate
Thank you all for such thoughtful & insightful advice. I’ve never posted on this forum before; or any other forums for that matter. So, it seems someone else has had a very similar situation. It’s so hard for me because at this time & during quarantine/stay at home, we are always together. His interaction with her is so limited except to his liking her “influencer” page on Instagram, which I find totally disgusting. So even that is eating away at me to such an extent that I came to A New Mode and ran into this forum. Your comments are a great source of wisdom. I need to digest this all. Thank you so much! …& keep them coming if there’s more insight & wisdom on the matter.
Newbie
Well Yeah quite a few similar stories. Yours seemed familiar because of the words you used to describe her. But i guess i was wrong. Clearly you can have a talk with him about how she makes you feel in how he handles her. Him liking an instagram something he can do without clearly.
There is a theory adressed here a few times by myself too, that this is many times a drama guy thing where your bf likes the attention from both and will keep it that way.
I like to focus on something else here. Lets assume your bf goes along with this a bit too much and you have a talk with him. You resentment against her is also inside you. She represents qualities you feel you lack and therefore your insecurities about that makes her behaviour a red flag against a bull (you). Because a lot of the things you described your bf has no control for example the way she dresses, her outgoing style. You have to look at that for what it is, she is very different from you and maybe you wish you would be a bit more of what she is. Its a common theory in psychology in how we view people. So i feel you have to separate issues where your bf plays an active part in and issues where he doesnt.Kate
…if only I were projecting…unfortunately I don’t wish any of those qualities on myself. I am rather happy with who I am, how I look and my social skills. Though I think many of you are right….it is time for the exeunt on this relationship.
Newbie
No one describes a girl as being obnoxious and slutty unless you are severely aggritated. Im not saying you are projecting in that you want to be slutty. In psychology they are called allergies. They represent what you are not and you can have a severe reaction to it. But by itself those allergies are also a challenge for you. Like if you are severely introvert, a girl like that maybe your allergy but also tell you that deep down you would like to be more spontane or outgoing. Or its about her family and thats your allergy. Look if this has no meaning to you by all means discard it. Im just saying i never called any girl obnoxious in my life. Its an extreme response and im sure that girl that wanted her friend to be with you has her own problems in how to deal and maybe she puts up a boytoy front. I dont know, its just part of human behaviour.
And the way you reacted to a simple suggestion of mine is snobby to be honest. Not that i care, i really dont. Its just tellingKate
@Newbie I like you! I am a little snobby and okay with it. It’s just who I am…love the allergies reference. Nail on the head.
Update: we talked, he respected my positioning and said that he would start with the social media liking. He agreed that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn’t appreciate it. As for now, while we are quarantined, that’s pretty good to me. There are more layers and I’m sure in time this subject will come up…again.
Alice
I find it a little ridiculous that he is “starting” with social media. I mean he either wants to help you feel comfortable or he doesn’t.
I don’t know about this guy. Seems like he loves the attention from both of you and won’t just create some healthy boundaries to help you feel better. I’d drop him but that’s just me.
Lane
I think you are taking this far too personally. He’s social, has lots of friends, and yet this one seems to get under your skin because you feel threatened by her in some way, or you wouldn’t care The problem you have is they have a lot of history, and just because a SO comes in their life doesn’t mean they have to dump, drop or abandon their friends because their SO doesn’t like it.
He derives some *benefit* from their friendship or he wouldn’t be her friend. It could be that she is so ‘over the top’ that it entertains him, so he derives an entertainment benefit from her, and that’s why he keeps her in his life, to entertain him. I derive different benefits from different friends as that creates my overall happiness. If I need to be entertained I can hang out with those friends; if I need career or personal advice I can hang out with them; if I just need someone to talk to I can hang out with them…you get the gist. Each friend offers some benefit to our lives or we wouldn’t be friends with them.
If he’s HAPPY having her as a friend, then why would you want to take that away from him? Its clearly obviously he loves you and has no desire to be with her in the romantic sense, or he would be, so why not use that to your benefit knowing YOU have his heart, she does not, and should be sleeping well knowing that’s the benefit you have, and the one she will never have :o)
Anon
I think that you have every right to be annoyed by this and I would agree that these women are not going anywhere. My bf has female friends and it would be unacceptable if any if them ran up to him squeezed his nipples and slapped his butt. None of that is ok, it’s not funny, and not cool. I would let him know that their behavior in front of you indicates he doesn’t have appropriate boundaries as he can only control himself. If he continues with these girls and these boundaries, you should use this information from a psych today article of inappropriate opposite sex friends:
Sometimes protecting your relationship means giving up some of your own personal freedom or choice so that you build something that is greater than the sum of its parts. If you are unwilling to do this, then you don’t deserve the relationship.Then you walk away from this nonsense.
Liz Lemon
Imagine you had a guy friend who slapped your butt, squeezed your boob, and showered you with attention while excluding your boyfriend. Plus this guy friend butted into your relationship & deliberately created strain between you & your man. Think your boyfriend would put up with that? To me this one is a no brainer. I’m with Alice, I probably would have dropped this guy a long time ago. I couldn’t put up with it. It’s one thing to have female friends, but it’s another thing to have such shaky boundaries with a female friend. I also agree that he probably loves the attention (even subconsciously) and that’s why he doesn’t put her in check.
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