Home Ownership

It’s totally fair that a vacation is important to you, to make some great memories alone together before you start a family. He may not see it yet, but if he’s planning on picking up more work to make more money, he’ll also need a relaxing break to avoid burning out. However, you’re not seeing eye to eye right now and probably need to sit down as a team and do a better job communicating about the big things and putting together a long-term financial budget. You have some of one started right now since you’ve agreed on initial amounts, but there’s a lot you haven’t agreed on yet and you want to make sure both your expectations are properly set so no one’s unexpectedly changing the plan later (for example, making you put more of your income towards saving than you initially agreed to).

I suspect what’s really happening here is he’s going into provider mode and getting nervous about all the long-term huge investments he’s about to take on. There’s not much more expensive than buying a home or having a kid (except maybe unexpected medical bills and schooling costs if you’re in the US, and I’m going to write this assuming you are in the US). The first thing I’d want to understand from his perspective is if he ever experienced financial insecurity when he was younger, because if so, big investments like this may be scary. He may not be communicating well about how he’s feeling if he’s nervous because either it’s uncomfortable or he wants to be a good provider and doesn’t want you to worry or to see him sweat. Instead he may just be going tunnel-vision to get through paying off the bills as fast as possible.

Even if he wasn’t that worried about money growing up, if he’s a planner, then I assure you he’s considering the following:

– Interest rates in the US went up like crazy recently, so monthly and long-term costs of buying a house are way more than if you’d started discussing this even only a few months ago. The reality of that may have kicked in, and he’s realized that paying the interest each month and not much principal could costs tens of thousands of dollars or more extra over time.
– You don’t know how you’ll feel when pregnant or after maternity leave. You may unexpectedly find yourself too sick to work in the first trimester, causing friction with your job or requiring short-term leave. You may not want to go back to work right away after maternity leave (childcare is so expensive too). So there may be an upcoming time that you’re a one income household making payments.
– There’s a lot of job insecurity in certain fields right now (I don’t know if that affects either of you). Back to potential nervousness about loss of income.

So sit down and talk, figure out each other’s priorities and concerns and long term goals, and approach it as a team. I think there’s a compromise here, especially if you will be saving a lot of money on your car payments. You can probably show him that if you save those for a few months, it would barely make a dent in house monthly payments over several years, but you could have a great vacation together with it, even if it’s not a fancy one. You also may be able to refinance the mortgage and end up with lower payments later on if interest rates go down.

Congrats on all the big milestones coming up!

Hi Mary,

It sounds like your husband is calling all the shots. Maybe sit down with a financial advisor to make it more comfortable for you and have a third party explain what are good options.

If you don’t get the trip, I think you will always remember that. So, this is about communication.
I am also hearing that perhaps it shouldn’t be 50-50 for everything.

Is it like he makes $100,000 and you make $50,000 or Is it closer than that? If you were on maternity leave most people don’t get 100% of their salary, so then he would have to cover more than 50% – Life is not 50-50.. if one person is ill – the other covers and there should be flexibility and compassion. Marriage is not a business deal. Calculating everything is a plan but not a marriage plan.

this is what always makes me wonder, people save money to buy a house for them to then live like they are poor and save even more money , instead of actually enjoying their lives. You only have one, it is amazing to buy a house but then go and live your life , not think about how much money we have to save, how quickly we need to pay it off etc.
I know some people who bought a house and then rented all the rooms so they could make money, they didn’t even have a living room as it was occupied. It is crazy. Buying a house is a milestone but it shouldn’t mean you stop living your life because now you’ve got to pay it off.

I also don’t understand this 50-50 agreement , I have a feeling your husband is one of those men who don’t like spending money, surely he is able to save more than you if he is earning more and paying the same towards the house/bills as you. I think this arrangement is very unfair on you.

Not trying to be a ‘mean’ girl; but, WHY did you marry this guy knowing this?!

If you have reason to think he’s a narcissist, I agree, absolutely do not do not do not have children with him. It’s going to be harder for you to potentially leave the marriage too now that you bought a house together before actually figuring out any of the stuff Lane and I suggested (which is a list to consider in a relationship between two emotionally healthy people and does not apply if one is a narcissist, as then it’s only about control). I hope you can get somewhere with the therapist, but if he gets diagnosed with NPD, there’s very little in regards to treatment options. And it will hurt to leave after all this time together, but with that diagnosis, things will get worse not better the longer you stay with him.

Very seriously, make sure he can’t tamper with your birth control methods in the meantime while you are figuring this out.

Just to be clear, I’m not advocating that the OP start planning the divorce now. I’m saying, if counseling doesn’t work, he’s not going to budge on these issues and he really is a narcissist, It’s better to get out sooner rather than later. There is no negotiating or reasoning with a narcissist, life with them is truly hell. I’m suggesting a mental preparation that this may not be the forever man she thought he was when they said “I do.”

Thanks for the update!

Not every man is a narcissist. I am screaming this from the darn rooftops. Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis. What is not narcissism: selfishness, having other opinions, managing money differently than you, not wanting children.

If he is a bad fit, then end it. Or work with the partner you chose and make it work.

Tallspicy I know this topic of narcissism triggers you and gets you riled up because of past experiences you’ve had.

However, narcissism isn’t just a clinical diagnosis. Like autism, narcissism is a spectrum. On the extreme end are those who are diagnosable NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. On the other end are those who just have traits here and there.

So when it’s commented here that someone MIGHT have some narcissistic traits, as has happened here the past day and gotten a strong reaction from you, they’re not saying that person is full-on NPD. So with due respect, I think you overreact to the mentions of narcissism due to your own experience.

Yes, all of us may show a bit of narcissism sometimes but generally we grew out of thinking the entire world revolved around us and only us. All children are narcissistic, they can’t help it. In healthy children, they grow out of it. In an unhealthy home, they do not grow out of it for various reasons.

From Thriveworks:

Narcissistic Tendencies

Narcissism is also a personality trait. Instead of having a full-blown disorder, some people simply have narcissistic tendencies, in that they are self-centered and have a big ego.

“Someone who is narcissistic may be selfish in some area of their life but not disordered. An example would be if someone was very vain about their body and constantly obsessing about their looks and seeking approval for their appearance. This may not be NPD. This may just stem from some childhood or adolescent insecurity,” says Joye. It is also important to note that adolescents have a propensity for narcissism, which is developmentally appropriate. Keep this in mind if you notice narcissistic behavior in kids and teens.

Those who are narcissistic also often feel some level of empathy for others and treat the people in their lives with kindness: “A narcissistic person will probably have some empathy and kindness in other areas of life. They don’t use or exploit others maliciously. Being self-absorbed in some area of life doesn’t mean you’re narcissistic in all areas. It takes some healthy narcissism to achieve higher goals. However, if that person walks over and harms other people on their way to achievement they may be disordered,” Joye concludes.