How do i actually walk away?

“He has told me he feels overwhelmed with work etc and its not me, says he misses me”

Then this very well could be true.

Today’s world is crazy and stressful.

You can see it in people’s eyes. Men and women are filled with worry and doubt about the future.

If a man says he’s feeling worried and stressed, then I think it makes sense to believe him.

If it turns out it was just an excuse, OK. Even then, though you’ll have a clear answer and know you can walk away.

But there’s only one way to know it’s an excuse and not a genuine expression: Find out!

Here’s the thing about men and love.

For men, love and sex are totally unrelated.

A man can have ongoing sex with a woman and the sex will never trigger love feelings in the man.

He may very well fall in love along the way, but it won’t have anything to do with the sex. It will have to do with the relationship.

So… guess what?

You’re lucky right now.

You’re being handed a “relationship opportunity” with this situation.

This is not a “relationship problem”. This is an opportunity, perhaps your first opportunity, to start a relationship with a man.

See, sex doesn’t press a man’s “love buttons”.

You know what does?

Deep emotional connection, support and partnership.

And that’s only possible if you deeply understand him emotionally.

Problem is, right now, you’re on the outside of his life.

You’re like a satellite or accessory totally outside of his life.

So when he was with you, it was kind of like a vacation or escape.

I’m not saying that like he didn’t value you or respect you.

What I’m saying is that it’s outside of his life… and his life is the truth about him, who he is, what he’s dealing with.

Sooner or later, the demands of his life catch up with him and he can’t walk away to an escape with you.

The emotional/mental demands of his life drag him down to a place where he feels overwhelmed, like he’s drowning.

Now, again, I called this a relationship opportunity.

Why?

Because this is where a great feminine partner will shine in the relationship.

He’s been struggling. He feels like a loser (that’s the worst feeling a man can feel, by the way). He feels overwhelmed, frustrated, defeated, ashamed, etc.

Well, really, we don’t know exactly how he feels, but this is probably close to it.

Men can get caught up in their negative emotions and locked into a negative perspective, where it feels like they can’t win and they’re just losing more and more.

If a man feels like he’s losing in his life, he will retract from the relationship and pull away.

Giving a guy space when he’s dealing with his problems is good. That’s part of what you want to do.

The other part is being able to “melt him”.

What do I mean?

Instead of coming from a place of fear that you’re losing him and worrying about the relationship…

You just show up with a quiet, soft, “What’s wrong?”

He’ll fight you or deflect or tell you he’s OK, just overwhelmed… because he doesn’t want you to be upset. If you’re upset, that’s more pressure for him.

You are OK. Be emotionally OK. Know that he’s in Hell right now.

And you say again, “It’s OK. I’m OK. You can tell me what’s wrong, it’s OK.”

And you wait… and he’ll give a bit. He’ll maybe give you one tiny thread.

And you’ll just receive and ask more questions. You’ll demonstrate that you can receive whatever he wants to express.

You’ll melt him. I know, deep down, you know what I mean here. It’s programmed in women’s feminine intelligence.

When you’re not caught up in worrying that you’re losing the guy, you can let your deeper feminine intelligence shine through.

Your ability to give him a safe space to listen and receive whatever he says will get the ball rolling.

This is an EMOTIONAL conversation. He’s not looking for you to solve the problem.

And his problem itself is not a relationship problem.

His problem is not the problem.

The “problem” here is that the relationship feels like one more pressure or problem in his life; one more area of failure and demands.

Unless…

Unless the relationship isn’t a source of failing and demands…

What if the relationship is a place he can freely express himself?
What if the relationship is the one place in his entire life where he can “be a loser” and express himself freely, in his moments of deepest pain and shame?

His perspective and emotional state have him locked in a prison right now. He hasn’t been able to get out of it.

When you talk to him, you won’t be trying to solve his problem or trying to lead him to a better place.

In fact, the most powerful thing you’ll be doing is receiving his rawest, most vulnerable truths and allowing him to express it without fighting him or shaming him.

The most powerful thing occuring is as he’s sharing himself deeply, you’re OK with him.

What he feels is that even when he’s losing at life, he’s still worthy of your love. You don’t reject him, you don’t try to fix him, you don’t try to control him. You accept him and love him even at his lowest.

That’s what makes the big difference for a man.

He keeps a woman separate from his life because he assumes that showing any vulnerability, fear or weakness will make a woman lose attraction for him.

He feels she’ll have some kind of problem with it, she’ll want to change him or she’ll want to leave him.

So he keeps her away from his life.

It’s at these moments that you can demonstrate your capability of being a great partner when he’s down while also having a deep emotional connection.

This is only possible if you can let go of your fear of losing him.

If you’re caught up in a fear of losing him, then everything you do will be in service of your fear.

It won’t be about understanding him, connecting with him or the relationship itself.

It will only be about you and your fears.

You can have a deep connection with him or you can have your fear of losing him, but you can’t have both.

And what good is the fear of losing him? It’s going to drive you into a ditch and you’ll lose the relationship. What good is it?

If you’re going to connect with him, it can’t be from a place of wanting to “fix your relationship” or get reassurance that he’s not going to leave.

It has to be more like: This relationship is either going to work or it’s not, but if it’s going to work then it’s because we have a deep emotional connection as the foundation.

Either we have that or we don’t, but I’m not going to worry about losing something I don’t have!

Show up quietly and softly. Then melt him.

….

Now, finally… we can talk about how to walk away if you still want to, but I don’t think that’s the move here yet.

If you’re ready to walk away, then… you just decide you’re willing to! That’s it.

But why not try melting him first? What do you have to lose?

>> Liz Lemon: ” A woman should be a man’s soft place to fall, not another source of pressure or stress. But the OP hasn’t seen this guy for 3 weeks. She’s saying “he is hardly texting, says he wants to meet up but when i suggest a day/time, he either ignores me or makes an excuse.” That kind of treatment after 6 months of dating (!) sounds to me like he’s fading out.”

Ah, you’re right. I glossed over those details and those are very important details here!

I agree that after 3 weeks of not seeing the guy and being unable to pin down a meeting, it does sound like he’s fading away.

I wouldn’t toss out my message, but I would add some larger context around all of it, which is:

OK, let’s say he’s fading out.

If he’s fading and on his way out… what do you have to lose?

Give up on the relationship now, before it’s actually over.

Give up on it. Let go of it. Look at it as if you two have already broken up, he’s already moved on, you’ve already moved on and you’re both happy and OK.

Bring your mind to that place.

Why?

Because the WORST headspace to be in is to try and save a relationship!

That’s the worst possible lens to look at things through.

It will make you stressed, fearful and pressured. And that will cloud your mind, blocking you off from your natural abilities to connect.

Give up on the relationship FIRST… then anything you do from here is just bonus time.

You can just… be.

You can be unattached, you can be easy about it.

Because, again, what do you have to lose?

The question isn’t, “Can I save the relationship?”.

The question is, “Can I connect with him, now, as he is and as I am?”

If you can’t, you have nothing to lose by walking away. There’s nothing to lose, you can’t lose something you don’t have in the first place.

And if you can connect, then you already have the only thing you ever can have in a relationship: A moment of connecting.

That’s all there is. There’s no “relationship” to get to, there’s no “commitment status” to attain.

The only thing you have is connection and connection happens in the moment, wherever things are.

Can you connect?

If yes, cool. Then you do and don’t build it up into meaning anything.

If you can’t, then that’s cool too. If you can’t connect then there’s nothing left to invest your time and attention into.

On a different note… you’re single until you’re not.

So there’s nothing wrong with opening up your options again.

Within this thing it sounds like you want to know if there’s any possibility of things working out or is it really over.

So OK, as I described above, you can let go of it and then playfully experiment within this connection, unattached.

And meanwhile, you can be opening up your options in case this doesn’t work out. That, too, will take off any pressure you might feel in needing to make this relationship work out.

>> Liz Lemon: “How can she show up for him when the guy is ignoring her, not texting her, and will not meet up? It seems to me a classic case of a guy blowing a woman off. A guy needs to meet you at least more or less halfway if you’re going to become his soft place. (And by “meet halfway” I mean bare minimum he needs to respond to texts and spend time with you!) If he’s not willing to even do that, then what does a woman really have?”

If she can get to a place where she’s let go and unattached, she can just reach out without trying to “solve the relationship problems” or “make things better”.

This is more of a mindset thing than an action thing.

Not to sound woo-woo, but a man can instantly feel what a woman is “serving” when she’s talking to him.

Is she talking to him?

Or is she wrapped up in her fears of losing him, and her words and actions are in service of counteracting that fear?

Men pick up on this kind of thing.

When a woman really is unattached and genuinely reaching out to feel what’s there, he can feel that.

If he feels she’s caught up in her own fears, he definitely will not open up.

If he feels she isn’t, he MIGHT open up.

He MIGHT. Or he might not.

And if she’s unattached, if she has already let go, then it’s OK either way.

At the 11th hour, I can talk about what a woman could possibly do to help things, but I do want to make it clear that it’s not a guarantee it will work out.

What I can say it’s your best approach. IF something can happen, this is the way to get there. If not, well, it was already done.

That’s my thinking here.

P.S. I appreciated your reply Liz. These were good points. Maddie too.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Eric Charles.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Eric Charles.