Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › How do I come out on top after a narcissist breaks up with me?
- This topic has 35 replies and was last updated 6 years ago by
Sharlain Cole.
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Raven
Thank your lucky stars he’s gone!
jen
i myself is still healing after dating a narcissist, it is a deep one so i understand how you feel
this person tries to pull me back in for months now, i did however communicate with him as he is contacting my work, he even went as far as sending someone to be my friend/to go to my events so that person can report back to him, i organize events so i accept this person but was very observant and i found out about it but of course they deny it. this person also influence other people i hang out with which left me no choice but to cut all of them in my life. narcissist loves drama so dont be part of it, remove yourself from anything that binds you to that person.
i change home, number, finished my contract so i changed jobs, cut people in my life who have contact with him, i guess somewhat it works for now or maybe he found another supply
concentrate on yourself, on your job, im not suggesting to go on the dating scene again, i didnt do that yet as im not ready. heal yourself, it takes time, i know im also there.
catherine
DO NOT DO ANYTHING. People get too focused on winning in the dating game. Sometimes it is not possible to have the last word or resolve things. I always want to do this too and this urge leads me into behaviour I then regret. As the others say, sometimes doing nothing is the hardest thing. Just let time take it course. Time is the greatest known healer. Unless someone is going to give you the answers you crave then talking to them is not going to do you any good. I sent a lovely text to a guy once, just rounding things off and saying goodbye and he did not even have the decency to send a quick ok, all the best. It would have cost him nothing. I thought saying my bit would give me a feeling of closure but it left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Walk away and look forward.
Jane
I was with one for almost three years. All I really got were 2 STDs. He lied. He cheated. He was pathologically into porn and seduction , had folders of women’s breasts. A real sicko. When I was finally figuring it out my husband who had left me three years before after almost 40 years, returned and was pissed that I had a boyfriend This scared the crap out of the narc bf. He dumped me (I am almost 70) for a 20 year old but never admitted that the was with her or that he was dumping me. After his last contact, I went no contact. He lives in visual distance from me, but I avoid all but one or two eye contacts on the road. Didn’t answer door, or texts, blocked his emails, he got new ones, blocked them. He continued to test every now and then for 6 months and to knock on my door now and then. I was strong in no contact. Now hie is sending me love letters and poems and blah blah blah. How stupid can he be? Why would anyone take that back once you are out and it is clear how they are? No contact is great. You can have whatever relationship you want with them, all in the privacy of your own head.
Freedom
Count yourself extremely lucky that he has cut off contact.
I dated a narcasstic sociopath once, and I just couldn’t get rid of him, I tried to dump him so many times, making it crystal clear to him over and over again saying ‘it’s over, I don’t love you’ and he’d just sit there, stare at me and say he’s not moving as he was utterly convinced that I didn’t mean it and would change my mind. He’d also threaten me with violence and threaten to tell my boss what I’d been saying to my ex, trying to get me sacked, and yes he was capable of stuff like that, and I knew it. With his ex, he committed arson, and he has got a criminal record for domestic violence, with two separate women on two separate people, he told me stories of what he used to say to his ex’s and boast about it, and convince himself that he is not a bully, and his behaviour was justified.
Of course, I didn’t know all of this when I first got to know him, as he was very charming, very funny, and I thought I’d met my dream man, but the mask slipped off not very long after and he found him to be extremely narcissistic, a violent past, very controlling, a bully, and dangerous, I was petrified of him.
Fortunately for me, he had to go back to where he lives, as he lived in a separate city, no where near me (but he chose, not my decision, to move into mine without getting my permission), but thankfully, he kept his own house (we were only dating for 2mths). And he had to go back – and it was then that I emailed him and made it clear that it’s over, he wouldn’t have it, and emailed me constantly 24hrs a day, I’d ignore him, and the more I ignored him, the more abusive his email’s got and the more threatening he became saying he would get me sacked. When I did respond he would become nice again, saying how much he loves me. Then I’d say it’s over, and he’d get abusive again. This was happening for a mth, I even tried to block him, but for some reason I still kept getting his emails. I told my boss about what he is like, so I thought if he does contact my boss, hopefully my boss will just ignore him.
Anyway, I didn’t get sacked, and he finally stopped emailing me, until 6mths later, and he emailed me to say he’s got a girlfriend, I felt sorry for her, but I was really happy about it, knowing that was the last I’d hear from him.
With narcassitic people, you have to just run away and close contact as soon as possible, they can be very harmful. So the fact that he’s stopped emailing you is a really really good thing, you’re extremely lucky I wish it was like that for me.
Tom
If he’s a narcissist he won’t get it so you just really moving on and not even talking to his a$$ he won’t get either. But it will totally work for you. He doesn’t exist. Go w/ that. GL
Freedom
And if you do try tell him a few home truths, he’ll just seek revenge and make it out that your the one being abusive.
I know what you mean though, I wish I could have had the courage to say exactly what I felt about my ex – I wanted also to point out that he has narcassitic and sociopathic traits, but someone like that, with a violent and sadistic temperament, you don’t know what they might do to you – and someone like him, plots all the time. He was constantly plotting, constantly thinking of ways how to wind people up, and he’d sit there and smile – people like that, if you hurt their feelings, they never ever forget, and they aren’t capable of forgiveness, and will seek revenge.
So my advice is don’t do it, just be grateful he has blocked you – I wish that my ex did that to me, rather than having a month of sleepness nights, getting abusive email after another constantly and worried what he might do – it’s really not worth it.
Christy
Hi!!!
I wanted to respond as I broke up with my ex who also is a narc (Classic narc)…
We were ring shopping and buying a house together when I found out he was online dating looking for his “soulmate.”I took a lot of crap from him but despise cheating. I broke up with him and He denied being online but said he wasn’t happy in years, I couldn’t make him happy, he realised he didn’t want a ready made family after being in my children’s lives for 5 years. He also said he couldn’t see himself raising a F’ed up kid the rest of his life (referring to my autistic child who has a high school job and is on the honor roll at school).
I blocked ex and since he has drug issue, started a rumor that I was dating a DEA agent (He had a tendency of ending things out of the blue, sleeping with someone else and crawling back days later and I knew he would never try to harass me if there was a DEA agent standing next to me). We have mutual friends and he dated woman after woman for 9 months before trying to subtly trying to get me back. That was 4 years ago and he still tries to get back with me from time to time.
I am now dating my current bf and we broke up due to my issues with my ex and bf getting diagnosed with cancer (On complicated message board) but made our way back to each other and I know bf would never do the things that my ex did. This is what helped me:
~I lived well, started running again and went out with my friends.
~I set new priorities: Work, friends, bf.
~I went to counseling.
~If I saw ex in the store, I smiled from ear to ear, said hello and kept it movin’
~I had to tell myself that not all men are the same, there are good men out there.
~I was single for a long time and made peace with myself; however; had issues with my current bf because when I was single I had no triggers. If I have one now I ask myself what did current bf do wrong? if the answer is nothing, I know my stress is my own and I have to deal with it without taking it out on him.These worked for me. I would never tell my ex how bad he hurt me as he would beam and feel like big man on campus. I know what you’re going through and I wish you the best of luck!!!
Oh and to the others on the board who read my post about friends not liking my current bf…They met him the other day and they love him!!!!
Christy
I found out after I dumped him that his “mini” break ups were for him to sleep with other women. He was always wanting to “take breaks” that didn’t make sense!!!
Emma
Christy, I am very happy for you that you were able to move on and find a BF who cares about you and your kids.
O never understood those “breaks”. it is a new concept and a very manipulative one. You don’t break up for good, you want to leave the door open to come back as you are pleased. But the other person is left stressed out, waiting and hanging on and wondering what is going on, fearing the worst. But in reality, all those “breaks” are excuses to see what else is out there, to sleep around, to date. It is seldom due to lots of stress and too much work. Because when you are stressed you do want your partner to support you, to be there for you, you don’t want a “break” from them, i.e. as in no contact of any kind. You can say I’/d be busy this week and might not have time to meet, but you don’t ask for a “break”, especially if it means you that during this break time you consider yourself a free agent. If a man I was in asked for this type of a break, I’d consider it the end and would be working on myself to move on. I would not be open to taking him back easily, if at all. This is not what people do when they value their relationship and their partner.
Sharlain Cole
Hi iam dealing with a break up Narcissist ,,mental physical abuse ..and all i can think about is him .. hes blocked me .. i want to not call email ect but then eats at me bc the silence from me he loves it!!! i hate that and how does somone just stop?? hes cold turkey and walking face of earth happy .. his life is great .. i cant even go to our gym because he goes and has basically shun me there ive been so upset depressed hurt he cares nothing god how??
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