Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › How do I Deal with Seeing my Non-Exclusive Date on a Date with another girl?
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Misty.
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Natisha
I have been dating this guy for about four months now. It’s not an exclusive thing. We slept together a few times and it was great. So this past Monday, I was walking out of my workout class and I saw him on a date with another girl across the parking lot at this sushi place. Unfortunately it was when he was kissing her goodbye. He saw me and pulled away from her but she kept wanting to hug him and stuff.
Now in my mind, I jumped to us being exclusive and so I was extremely upset. He called me up straight after and apologized for it because he knew that, in the long run, I do want some sort of exclusivity and he knows it was a shock for me to see him on a date. This is what gets me. He tells me that we are still getting to know each other and he is still going on dates with other girls. But apparently I am the only one he is sleeping with. He has repeated that like five times since I saw him on the date – his logic: It’s not fair to anyone if he is being like that. (I don’t know if I believe that.) I asked him how he would feel if he saw me kissing another guy and his answer was he doesn’t have the right to be mad and that as long as I wasn’t sleeping with them, he’d deal with it. My first question is: because we are not exclusive, am I overreacting? My second question is: If he is dating other girls, it’s fine for me to date other guys right?
I guess I am in a dilemma because I like him. I’m still feeling raw about it and he has been making a little bit more effort to make me feel comfortable again but how do I get past this and move on? And how do I get him to WANT exclusivity with me? Am I being stupid in giving him another chance?
kimf
Yes, this situation is hard. All I can say is what I would do and that is to stop seeing him. I do not sleep with guys that I want to be exclusive with who are dating other women. I don’t think that is the best thing for me. So I would have to tell him that we are in different places and/or looking for different things. And next time, be clear about this before you sleep together. Once I did this, everything because much easier and I was able to meet a great guy that wanted the same things and there was no wondering.
The other thing you can do is step waaaaay back and date others. Do not let yourself invest in this guy because he is not investing in you. He is keeping his options open, and you should be doing the same. Remember the advice from here: let the man lead, and mirror, mirror, mirror. It works! Good luck ;).
Jules
I don’t see this going the way you want it to. Four months of dating and he still doesn’t know if he wants to be exclusive? I call shenanigans.
I think he’s getting the best of both worlds right now. He’s sleeping with you and going on dates with other women.
How often are you two seeing each other that he still feels after 4 months that he’s still getting to know you?
I have a three month rule. If by three months someone doesn’t know if they want to date me exclusively, I walk away. And honestly any man who has wanted to be my boyfriend has never waited that long.
I think he’s playing you. I think he knows he doesn’t want a relationship with you but won’t tell you because he likes sleeping with you.
kimf
And Id like to add…I really did not like what he said about how he doesn’t have the right to be mad as long as you aren’t sleeping with someone else. That sounds super shady. He cant lock down part of you. You are either a single woman OR you’re in a committed relationship. He cant have it on his terms. If I was you, I would call him on that. Tell him you are free to do what and who you want since you are not in a relationship. And once you are in a committed relationship, you will invest yourself. Don’t let him get away with that! You will feel good, I promise and you will feel respect for yourself. Remember, you call the shots when it comes to you. Not anyone else.
LL
last two posts hit the nail on the head.
There is absolutely no way he is “still deciding” after four months. That is a really long time to be unsure. He absolutely, without a doubt from all you said here, just trying to keep you around.
Also, maybe it’s just me, but if I were you I wouldn’t be dumb enough to believe he’s sexually exclusive with you. why would he even drop money on a proper sushi date with that chick if he doesn’t plan on getting action from her in the very near future.
And he couldn’t even admit he would be jealous if saw you with another guy? No. Manipulative as heck. I don’t trust this one at all.
Misty
The two of you are not exclusive. He is dating others as should you. Why AREN’T you dating others? If you are not exclusive you have EVERY RIGHT to date others too. He’s doing the right thing FOR HIM….do the right thing FOR YOU and either date others too or move on from this guy.
Looks to me like he’s from the “old school of dating” where guys like to date more than one woman so they can be sure they are being emotionally mature and not making a mistake by marrying the wrong woman.
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