Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › how do I get him to give me another chance & put in the effort?
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Misty.
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Sam
My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after a 1 year relationship. We met on holiday and it was an intense romance. We split because he wasn’t happy. He invested so much time in me that he was growing apart from friends and family. He also felt that I didn’t appreciate him, and I’ve come to realise that both of these things are true and mostly my fault (I won’t get into the reasons of them being my fault but basically I was very attached to him). We were extremely close and best friends. In the 3 months, we have met up a few times, and acted as though we were together. We speak most days, but as the months have gone on the conversations have gotten less and less and the more I feel as though I’m losing him, the more I tend to cling onto him ( I know, huge mistake) which as I’m sure you can guess, pushed him further away. After finally realising that my begging and apologising and telling him how much I love him doesn’t work, I decided to try a new technique by not contacting him and ignoring him. I think he is scared of losing me, because when he feels any sort of sense of loss he panics. After a while of barely any contact we started speaking again and he said he misses me and wants to see me in the week. I don’t want to mess this up. He sends me mixed signals, one minute he’ll tell me he misses me the next he’ll be blunt and it’s like talking to a brick wall. How can I show him that I’m sorry and will appreciate his efforts this time round if he doesn’t put any effort in for me to appreciate!? how should I act when I see him? (it’s been around a month since I last saw him when I went to give him his stuff back and he ended up crying & hugging me and telling me we’ll fix it) but then on text he’s so blunt and puts no effort into conversation, and ignores me for hours before replying. Another thing I need advice on is how to help him get over the fear of what his friends and family will think of us getting back together. I believe that they’re not too keen on the idea as they feel he will become a social recluse again.. but of course I’ve changed as a person for the better and I would never let that happen, I’d encourage him to spend way more time with his friends and family and see me less intensely. If you were wondering why I’m so desperate to get him back, it’s because I finally feel happy being on my own, but I know that he genuinely did enhance my life so much and even after a year I still got butterflies every time I saw him. He was my best friend I could tell him absolutely anything and he is the only person in the whole world I was 100% myself around. I also believe that I can enhance his life as i know how to make him so happy. If there’s a chance of it working I will take it. I just need some help from an outside perspective to give me advice on how to convince him that I will appreciate him more, how to get him to actually actively want to be with me and put effort into being with me and how to convince him to overcome his fears of what his friends & family might think/say. I truly love this boy and no one else has ever made me feel this way. I believe there is a chance for us to work this out, I just need him to give me one. Thank you in advance :)
redcurleysue
From what you have said this has so many hurdles I don’t know if there could ever be a possibility. When you have his family and friends against you and him being offish your chances are just about none.
His mixed signals are his fear of you reverting to the old self that did not work. If the situation were reversed you would feel the same way.
Here is what I recommend although I don’t know if it will work. When you see him in a week tell him everything you put him through…and how sorry you are. You would like a chance to prove to him you are different and want to do that slowly so he sees it for himself. You would like to talk with him on the phone once a week and possibly see him once a week. He would call you for the phone conversation – he would make a date with you once a week.
If he felt for any reason that you have not changed in wanting him all to yourself then you will have had your chance and understand that.
First of all, you will have to have truly changed to meet these standards…and the proof is in the pudding. If you cannot live with restrictions then you cannot prove to him you are indeed different and you should not get back together at all.
That would mean you would still have to work on you and your issues before you have any close relationships or they will also go south.
WARNING – you must be healthy and in a good place or you will fail.
Sam
It’s not that his family & friends are against me, I get on well with them and his mum & sister still speak to me occasionally. It’s just I think they’re worried he’ll find it hard to find balance again. I think he’s off because he’s still hurt and I guess he still needs a little time of it being less intense to figure out balance in his life.
redcurleysue
I stand corrected about his family being against you.
I gave you actions you could take but by no means are those the only ones. There are a million ways you could play this out.
The main points are:
You want to earn his trust back that you will not revert
You want the concerns of his family and friends to relax
The only way to do that is though actions that are different…words only go so far.
Misty
Hi Sam,
You ask “How can I show him that I’m sorry and will appreciate his efforts this time round if he doesn’t put any effort in for me to appreciate!?”
Problem is you need to get over the line of thinking that he has to do something for you to appreciate. Either you appreciate him for who he is as he is or you leave him alone.
Sounds to me like he’s a pretty emotionally healthy dude and has taken a lot of crap from you and is now at the stage of “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” so you definitely have a really hard uphill battle to regain any trust and respect he used to have for you.
What you can do when you meet up with him is tell him very sincerely that you are sorry for all the crap you put him through and you are meeting him ONLY to apologize to him and are not expecting anything from him. Then hold your head high and walk away. Don’t look back. Let him see that you mean what you say by matching your actions to your words.
If he really does care for you (and it sounds like he does) he will take some time and get back with you telling you he accepts your apology. He may or may not want to date again right away and this is where it’s very important that you DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT WITH HIM FOR WHATEVER REASON…no texts, calls, emails, facebook likes, smoke signals, etc.
Let him be the one to contact you again and SHOW HIM VIA YOUR ACTIONS that you really have changed.
As to your insecurities and fears, every time you start to have obsessive thoughts or fears, start chanting in your head “Let go and Let God” over and over again. Pretty soon you will start thinking about something else and the crisis will be over for the time being.
I know it sounds silly, but that constant chanting has a purpose–while you’re chanting that in your head, you can’t think of anything else–including obssessive thoughts about him! :)
Hope that helps. Another thing that has always helped me is songs. 2 especially. Let it Be by the Beatles and Hold On Loosely by .38 Special. Go to Youtube and search for the songs with on screen lyrics. Read the words…they make great sense and will help you feel calmer and help you in not being clingy and wanting to contact him all the time.
Hugs
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