Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How do I know if the guy I met online has a girlfriend?
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Maria.
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M
I met a guy online 3 months ago, but because of conflicting schedules and us traveling, we couldn’t meet immediately. He and I live in the same city and he asked me on a date very quickly, so I thought that was a good sign of his interest. After a month of us chatting online while we were traveling, we both got back home and he asked for my phone number. I felt safe about doing so because he had messaged me politely, consistently and respectfully for a month. We had kept our communication casual, impersonal and respectful. And he did all the initiating for a month.
After talking on the phone once, we tried to set a date to meet, but I was too busy with my job. So we texted regularly, him doing all the initiating and us still trying to coordinate a time to meet. But then, he suddenly disappeared. I was upset because we had gotten close through texts, but I know it’s texts, not anything real. But I became very interested in meeting him to see if he and I had a connection that could be real.
When he disappeared, I checked out his public social media pages and saw that a month before we met online, he had a girlfriend of several years. I thought OK, maybe he was doing online dating after they had broken up, but he disappeared on me because he got back together with her. Or maybe he was cheating on her the whole time he was messaging me for two months. Or maybe he met someone else. Or he was no longer interested in me. I would never know anything, except that his lack of communication meant he was no longer interested in me, so I let it go.
So after weeks of no contact from me, I saw on the dating site that he had disabled or cancelled his dating profile. I broke the silence and texted him because I was still curious about the man I had talked with for two months. And I was curious why he canceled his dating profile, if he had a girlfriend during the whole time we had been talking. I know all the ladies here will say I did the wrong thing by reaching out to a guy who stopped talking to me, but my curiosity was too much and I felt I had nothing to lose and some answers to gain. I really like this guy! So I playfully resumed our communication, he replied quickly and so happily, then I eventually asked him jokingly if he had disappeared and canceled his profile because he had a girlfriend. He texted back laughing and said he doesn’t and he had disabled his profile because he was too busy and was tired of online dating. I understood because I’m busy and tired of online dating as well. He asked me for a date on the day after I had resumed contact.
So finally after three months after we first met online, we have a date set for next week! I’m so excited! But now I’m having doubts. In the pictures he sent to me since we resumed contact and his photos on his public social media pages, I see very subtle signs that he’s could be still seeing his girlfriend, or hanging out with an ex girlfriend, or simply just dating, which he has the right to do.
There is no way I can verify this because he’s still a stranger. And because he’s a stranger, I have no right to interrogate him. I simply asked if he is married or has a girlfriend in our first phone call, then once more after he had disabled his account.
What do I do? Do I meet him next week and ignore my suspicions or do I ask him again, this time face to face. If he says no, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t see how I can verify this.
I am new to online dating, and already so sick of the lame guys and messages. But I really like this guy and chose only him to talk to. So he would be my first date with a total stranger. I have very strict morals about never letting men who are in committed relationships or marriages come near me. So the thought that he has been talking to me for three months while cheating on his girlfriend sickens me.
A few more facts. He hardly texts me at night or on the weekends, except a few times, but I never minded because I’m busy and don’t text him much. But is the timing of his texts a clue? I wasn’t suspicious about the timing because I know he has a very active social life and a lot of friends he hangs out with and a lot of work and activities.
Amy S
Hi. You need to ask this guy straight out. Just ask the question and say a few of your pals have met guys with gfs or soemthing like that. I wouldnt even meet this guy until you have clarified this. If he has a girl on social media it could just be a friend or relative but you have to ask if you dont want to waste both your time. x
Sakura
I’d be wary. Most likely he is hiding something. If his exact words to you when you asked if he had a gf was “I’m just too busy and I’m tired of online dating” then it’s a bad sign. It means he never really met anybody that was interesting enough for him, and that includes you. In my humble opinion, he only asked you out because of politeness. Then again you were quite eager to contact him again.
I’d be wary to meet him personally, but if you like him so much go ahead, only don’t expect anything and I don’t think you will find out the truth from him. His behavior will depend on whether he likes you in person or not.
In this case, go with your gut feel. If he doesn’t feel right or you’re suspicious, just let him go.
M
Hi Amy! I did ask him. Twice!
The first time I asked him if he was married or has a girlfriend. He said he is not married. I have been wondering for two months now if he forgot to say that he doesn’t have a girlfriend when answering that question or if that was a deliberate lie by omission.
The second time I asked him was in a text. He said, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend.”
I asked twice, but my question is how can I know if he’s telling me the truth? He’s a total stranger. I’ve never met a stranger from online before so I have no clue how to proceed with this. And even if I do meet him for a date and ask the question again, for the third time, how can I verify or believe him? We have no people in common. I understand that this is an intrinsic risk in online dating, but how have millions of people handled this issue?
Sakura
You can tell from social media mostly, and it’s tricky in the early stages of dating.
I think the best hint would be if he’s not invested in you, meaning, he’s very sporadic in his communication style, he never introduced you to his friends or family, something like that.
That disappearing act he pulled on you was not a good sign. I mentioned that in my previous comment.
M
Hi Sakura. It’s definitely possible that he asked me on a date out of politeness, but he has been texting me very enthusiastically since then about the time and place and my busy schedule, asking me often when I’m free.
My friends who know the whole story thought he had disappeared on me because he mistook my very cool attitude and lack of initiating texts and not contacting him every day as a sign that I wasn’t that into him. I thought I was doing everything right! My friends think I’m too cool with guys and they all get discouraged by my lack of chasing. So I took the risk of reaching out to him to show him I’m interested and he seemed really excited to hear from me and has been so gung ho about our date next week.
I know this issue about being cool and not chasing a guy is a separate topic, but it also confuses me!
M
Sakura, I just read your most recent post. Of course he hasn’t introduced me to his friends or family yet. He and I haven’t yet met!
My question concerns what I’m supposed to think about this before and during our first date. There were a few subtle signs on his social media but I don’t know if I’m being paranoid and unfair to him if I continue to question him or decide to cancel our first date because of my suspicions.
I’m trying to learn all this for future interaction with other men I meet online.
Sakura
Well, if you being unenthusiastic or too cool about the whole thing was the real reason why he disappeared, then it should have come from him, not your friends. It’s easy for a guy to say that “I thought you weren’t too interested in me.”
Letting the guy chase means letting him take the lead, and initiate just as he’s supposed to. if you like him be receptive and positive about it. The extremes would be getting to “clingy” about it, and the other extreme end would be totally ignoring his advances.
I’m not in anyway discouraging you about it, like I said if you really like him go ahead and meet, just don’t do anything drastic and keep it friendly.
M
Sakura, another question about a point you raised. How can a stranger be expected to be invested in me? We are strangers. So I really don’t understand your point. What does investing mean in the online dating world?
Ever since I contacted him again, he’s been texting regularly and set a clear time and place for our first date.
Amy S
Hi. You know what you will be able to work it out soon enough. Does he add you on fb ? Will he walk down the street with you ? Can you phone him and he will take the calls and talk to you whenever you want. Does he tell what hes doing and is it pretty non descript. You got to just trust, in life and in dating who knows what people are and what they are doing. You have to just have faith and believe and if you get proved wrong you learn from it and move on without letting it get to you. x
Miss_Aspiring
M, What do you mean when you say “subtle hints” on social media about him having a gf? Like photos of him with a girl?
And I know what you mean about your friends bugging you. My sister is always on my back about how I should chase guys and initiate more with them. So annoying. You’ve just got to respond positively and enthusiastically when he initiates, and if he’s into you, he’ll keep on leading.
L
M
Why are you so intense on determining whether this guy has a girlfriend when you haven’t even met him?
You asked him twice and he said no! You still don’t believe him? Then why even meet this guy? Your already going with the perception that he is lying to you. That’s not a good way to start a relationship of any kind!
The guy canceled his profile whatever his reasons are at this point should not concern you. You should be concerned when his behavior turns into a pattern ….cancels dates, says he’ll call but doesn’t, appears distant. These are signs that you can look for once and after you have met and have established some type of relationship. Right now you don’t even know what this guy looks like. The fact that he responded when you reached out and set a date is a good sign….focus on the positive and let go of something your over analyzing!
L
Also you say you were too busy with your job to set up a date…if I was a guy and after 3 months of talking this girl is too busy or always has something to do I would fade as well. Meeting for a quick drink or coffee can take 1 hour of your time and at least you can get that first meeting over with early on. Not all guys will “chase” a woman for months on when there are so many single women out there. A woman also has to show that she at lease is somewhat interested as well.
Online dating is not easy but neither is meeting a guy at a bar/gym or whatever. You never really know this person and the only way to protect yourself is to go with your gut feeling especially when there are “obvious” signs. Some guys may be hard to read and not necessarily have a GF but will have other issues you need to be weary of.
Good luck I am sure you will find a match!
M
Hi Miss Aspiring! So glad you understand about people getting on my case about being less cool and more proactive with guys. I don’t know if what they tell me makes look bad to guys. I know that many guys will take whatever a girl is offering so that’s no gauge of how much he likes you. But this guy has been really initiating ever since I resumed contact with him. And for the first two months he initiated all the time, so I thought he really wanted me.
Some of the subtle hints was one female item in his apartment as seen in his most recent photo he sent me. I don’t think he realized it was in the picture. Busted! And in his Instagram page, there was one photo of him eating in a city near our city. I know that particular city is where his ex girlfriend lives. There were zero pictures of him with a girl. This photo was dated during the time he stopped talking to me. And the dates of his other photos indicate that they had been a couple only one month before we met online. They had been together for several years. I know that none of these clues is clear proof he has a girlfriend, but it raises doubts in my mind.
Hi Amy! You are correct. I understand there are no guarantees and we have to take some risks, but as a woman who hates cheaters and wants nothing to do with them, I want to protect myself as much as possible, especially in online dating which feels too new and scary to me.
M
L, I’ve been thinking the same thing as you. I’ve been telling myself that it’s not fair to doubt him so much before even meeting him! But I’ve heard there are so many cheaters online and he did pull the disappearing act on me. Which he has every right to do. He owes me, a stranger, nothing. Not even if we have been talking for months.
In the three months, I gave him specific times and days I was free, but those times were when he was booked with too much work. So it’s not entirely the fault of my schedule. He’s busy too!
L
M
I was online dating for awhile and it can be overwhelming of course some guys on there will not be 100 percent truthful of their situation. However, you shouldn’t do online dating “assuming” that all guys are cheaters or are hiding something because you will set yourself up for failure.
There are several things to look out for besides your gut feeling. A guy who sets up a date pretty quickly is not wasting time which is a good sign. If you feel that your both too busy to set up a date then assume that eventually one of you will fade out. Months of email/text communication without meeting is definitely a red flag that can mean many things…
IMO I don’t think you should meet this guy your impression of him is that he is not being truthful…you have already embedded that into your mind so don’t waste any more energy on him.
g
I couldn’t agree more with everything L has said in response. This is such overkill for a guy you haven’t met and who it’s taken three months to set a date up with.
M
Hi g. If you knew our professions and schedules and conflicting schedules and summer travel, it makes three months seem not so crazy. But thanks for your input.
Khadija
This is very simple if you think he is being deceptive then don’t meet him.
I see no reason to keep talking to a man you don’t trust.V
Dear author, as well as other ladies,
Why is everybody so stressed about a guy having or not having a girlfriend? In early stages many people are dating around and you never know how many other people he could be seeing. The same applies to women-you are not obliged to see one guy at a time only. The idea of two absolutely single people meeting and starting a serious relationship till the end of days is ridiculous for the most part. Excuse me, but many people have casual sex partners while looking for a supposedly serious relationship…many people have boyfriends or girlfriends that they are tired of but do not want to break up for other reasons. I personally know a girl who is living with her boyfriend , she does not love him anymore, just not to pay rent so she cooks and cleans the flat for him while they are both actively looking for new partners. Is it a relationship?!Yes, no, maybe…Maybe this guy of yours has many options and he is just checking everyone out… There are so many variations on who, how and why that stressing out about the possible women some guy could be seeing is weird. Try to have dates with a few more men and you will understand how to manage a few guys at the same time)). Even thinking too much about one guy is already an investment)) having a few to think of on occasion is a nice distraction)) also remember about back pocket dating-seeing somebody sort of casually in secret when you know that he or she does not really fit your criteria so in effect you single to everyone else)) maybe that is what your guy is up to with some other girl?) in any case, stay positive))Khadija
V,
Obviously the OP is not okay with that. While some people don’t care if you are seeing other people she apparently does. There are guys out there that aren’t seeing other women or are in a relationship at this time. If, she wants that kind of guy then so be it.M
Thanks Khadija!
To be very clear, I totally understand he has a right to date other girls and it’s none of my business. I can date other men as well. But if he’s in a committed relationship with his girlfriend, then I’d have a serious issue with that. I don’t want to be involved in any way with a cheater. I’d like to give him and everybody else the benefit of the doubt before making a judgment.
To address your point about trusting him, I cannot trust a stranger I haven’t met! But I’m posting my question because I’d like to know how other people have approached this issue in online dating.
Khadija
M,
You welcome.
I see your point about not trusting a stranger. I give people a clean slate when I meet them. If, for any reason my gut says something is off or I find inconsistencies in your story I move on. That’s the risk we take if we decide to date online.So, listen to your gut and go from there.
M
So, so far I’ve gotten advice to question him, not see him, see him….
Of course there’s no harm in meeting a guy for one date, but I’m very uncomfortable with the thought that I’m spending time with a cheater and he’s fooling me. I won’t know if he is a cheater until I get to know him very well and go on lots of dates with him. But I’m a little concerned that since he and I already had three months of talking (which isn’t real), I might get invested in him and like him faster, before I’m able to find out if he’s been in a serious relationship for years with his girlfriend.
M
Thanks again Khadija!
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