How do I NOT text the guy that is giving me the fade out????

“he gave me no reason to doubt this was going in any other direction than a serious relationship.”

Out of curiosity did the two of you talk about whether each of you wanted a relationship in general and the two of you were dating with the intent to find out if you were right for eachother for a relationship? I only ask because I think fade out behavior is more identifiable to men who don’t want relationships. I think the men who do want relationships and have the right skills tend to communicate to a woman when it’s not working rather than act irresponsible and such.

Now if he said he wanted a relationship and he then acts like this then I’d say that you have confirmation from him that he actually doesn’t have the right skills for a healthy loving relationship anyway.

I also don’t think you are weak for wanting closure, and personally what would you have to gain by sitting back and hoping he changes his mind and doesn’t want to fade and wants you in his life? There is a difference between a guy who wants a little space but is courteous to you and a guy who flat out is irresponsible like this one. I don’t think this is the case where you sit back and hope he comes to you and you simply excuse his bad behavior cause he decided he really did want you in his life.

Honestly Betty, I think you may have been a bit too much (serious and heavy). You were far ahead of him in “feelings”, I think he suspected ‘the talk’ was coming and feeling the pressure and chose to avoid it. The fact his family was coming into town and he didn’t invite you is quite telling. Guys who were or had fallen in love with me couldn’t wait to introduce me or bring me around his family, so this would have been my first sign that he was getting ready to end it or all was not well. In the future, the best thing you can do when a man is pulling back, is to pull back farther! Giving a man and yourself some space is the best thing to do as it gives you some time to think if this is the guy you really want in your life.

Obviously you learned the hard way that reaching out to much when your not getting a response pushes a man further away, so hopefully that will be enough to stop doing it! If you want to keep pushing him to the point he blows up on you or starts telling his (or your) friends the “crazy stalker girl won’t give up” then knock yourself out.

On this forum he would be a DOUCHE whether he told you it was over or not, so just accept his silence as a “break up”; grieve a bit (cry it out) and try super hard to get back to living life like you did before him…I know it will hurt and sting for awhile, but eventually you’ll get over him and will become a distant memory.

Okay so some more backstory…
I met the guy 5 years ago at a camping trip, he was dating a friend of a friend. I had a boyfriend at the time and him and I developed a very healthy friendship. We small talked on Facebook every few months but nothing inappropriate for two people who are in relationships. Mine ended and two years later his ended. He reached out to me via social media and our short conversations turned to all night marathon talking sessions. We had talked about our exes and decided to go for coffee one day, that conversation is where the friendship turned to dating. I let him know from day 1 I was not wanting to be anybody’s rebound. He reinforced me what he had with his ex was long gone and that the last thing he wanted to do by crossing the friendship line was to ruin that friendship.

Secondly after about a month and a half of dating, out of nowhere he gave me the “I want to go slow” talk. I was caught off guard as I had not hinted towards ‘that’ conversation. I again let him know where I stood and that I wasn’t asking to be his GF at that very moment but not to lead me on if he didn’t see it going somewhere because I did see a future with us.

We continued to date for another month and a half, and I think where my mistake was is I never got clarification from him on what “slow” meant to him. So we were just doing our thing and everything felt like it was on the right track to me. He planned the most romantic valentines date and spoiled me rotten that night and the two weeks following. I was thinking at this point of a month and a half, the “slow” phase was over. I presumed wrong. Now I’m thinking this is him putting on the breaks as it maybe evolved into something he wasn’t ready for.

I guess I presumed me being straight forward in what I wanted meant he was on the same page because he would still plan epic dates (not ‘hangouts’). So where do I go from here? Is all lost and ruined? I haven’t reached out in a few days, but as each day passes it gets harder and harder.

Betty, Yes, I’ve done that before, told a guy what I wanted and assumed that if he was still dating me that he wanted the same thing, and I learned I was wrong and that strategy does not work. I needed to directly ask a guy his general dating goal.

Where do you go? Where is there to go? And this guy didn’t treat you like he is wanting a relationship with you, he wasn’t courteous, mature, or honest and direct. Where would you like it to go with a guy that doesn’t seem to want it to go anywhere?

Betty,
If you are still considering sending him a message after all that you read, then I think you missed the whole point. To be honest no matter what you say will come off as needy and desperate to him.

His silence has said it all. Don’t give this person all this power and energy over your life. Telling a man how much he hurt you and asking for answers will not change things here.

I really hope you listen and let this go.

think how bad and foolish you will feel if you DO send a message and he does not respond or you don’t hear back what you want from him?

That is your incentive to NOT reach out.

I agree Tall.

I have never had a man say that to me who was truly interested. It seems to be a stall tactic. As in, ‘you are good enough for now, but if someone better comes along I will bide my time ….’

I believe when women say this, it means more because it can tend to take longer for a woman to fall in love and she may not want to jump to sex so quickly.

I find it humerous that the men who say they want to ‘go slow’ still want sex as quickly as they can have it :-)

I agree with you Tall! Its man code for “I’m not interested in a relationship with you” INO. Now some guys may go slow because the want to make sure the lady isn’t going to go into crazy mode due to past experiences, which based on these post would make too—but I would want to know WHY because I know how guys fall in love and “slow” isn’t one of them, at least in MY experience.

You’re all right, its just hard. I also have this gut feeling this is not the last I have heard from this boy and I think that’s why I have an itch to reach out as I feel so caught off guard by his mystery ghosting. But you guys really have helped so much. I appreciate all your words and 3rd party wisdom on getting my head out of the clouds. Reality sucks.

Hi Betty,

If you read this forum you will quickly see that ghosting is common and many women do not see it coming.

We have seen all kinds of responses to ghosts – from I will not contact him to I am going to text him every 10 minutes until I get closure.

Usually the guy does not reply. Why? Cause he does not want to deal with a woman’s emotions on the subject.

If you text him he will say to himself, “See she is all wrapped up in this thing – she can’t just leave it be….why is she doing this…I really really don’t want to deal with her now – now she’s upset”

If you ignore him he will wonder if you might not have been as wrapped as he thought – he will probably contact you and see how you respond. (The ghost says BOO).

And I would ignore him as though he were invisible…like a good ghost should be.

Lots of great advice above. Taking it slow is like saying I am not crazy about you I am readying myself to say goodbye or maybe I’ll keep a couple of strings on you incase I don’t find someone better in the near future. Guys usually want to take it fast if we are into you. PLayers will power play with things like the 1 text to your 3 game and make it slow as a game plan but you will still know they want you.

I would cut and run.
Steve