How do I NOT text the guy that is giving me the fade out????

Betty,
Take him off your list of friends on snap chat and any other social media you share.PLEASE!!
Once upon a time when people stopped speaking there was no way to “check up on them”.I wish we could go back to those days, life was less complicated.
Don’t start letting your mind think that he is checking up on you via snap chat.
Watching you be busy will not change his mind about being a ghost.
STOP THIS!!!

When a guy pulls back you pull back. Thing about men is their brains are wired much differently than ours is. They were designed to go out in the vast wilderness for days in quiet in order to get in tune with their surroundings as they were being hunted too which is one of a man’s biggest fears, even if they are well weaponized. This is why men need to do the hunting and the moment they feel like the prey, especially from a woman, they run away

This is why women need to learn and adopt the “gift of space” when a man is withdrawing. He needs SPACE to think, sort things out, and then decide their next course of action…just like they do at work. Now I’m not saying this space is going to make him come running back, but you have a must better SHOT of it happening if you step a big step back and restrain your emotions, because your emotions are the catalyst for his need for space. Its like throwing gas on a fire, if a man is trying to run from the fire (lady) running after him with gas (emotions) isn’t helping you at all.

Had you pulled way back, he MAY have come forward on his own, not for the reasons you hoped for such a relationship, but he may have felt safe and comfortable enough to tell you why he doesn’t want to proceed without you blowing up, getting angry or try to convince, beg or plead which KILLS any or all attraction he MAY have had for you. I know it sucks, but if you were a man you would understand it better.

You cannot fight for a guy. You need to have respect for yourself to move forward because of what he has shown you or otherwise he will not respect you.

Very well put Lane,
I guess I never thought of it as a hunt. This has been the first guy I have EVER pursued. Sorry for sounding conceded but guys normally chase me. I have been a cereal monogamous for the majority of my dating life with relationships that last years and then I just realize that I am settling for these mediocre men.

However after a few years of being single and raising my standards on what I should expect out of men; This guy (or so I thought) was exceeding all my expectations of what a man should be. I didn’t realize it was a regular thing for guys to ghost. But according to this forum it happens to almost everyone… I just don’t get it.

I think as I get older crossing that line from “dating” to “the label” has more and more pressure on it and it is becoming difficult to find somebody that is worth taking yourself off the market for. At my age (29) everyone has baggage of some sort and has been heartbroken. I mean my guard is up and I’m starting to loose hope in this whole dating thing all together.

Why does there have to be this game at all? why can’t people just text/call/show up if you feel like it and it doesn’t scare the other off? Psychology if the dating world is a crazy thing and there are so many factors: you can’t like the person more than they like you, you can’t come on too strong, you must obey all the dating rules or forget about them forever, don’t act needy, and the list goes on and on, I hate it!

Hi Betty,

It’s crazy but somehow I am going through the exact same situation as you right now (and am 29 too). Unlike all these other commenters I can’t offer any wise advice as I am right in the middle of this limbo too. But I wanted to let you know you’re not alone in going through this. And please don’t let this guy kill your hope. Best wishes.

Red,

I love the way you put that. Because it paints such a vivid picture. So many times we hear the questions from ladies: “why can’t I initiate, why can’t I move this forward etc.. When I read what you said it makes it so cringeworthy it’s obvious.

Dating and the advice given here is not really so much about “the rules”. I think that is where so many people (okay mainly women in this instance) get hung up. They want/need a checklist because they don’t understand what is at the core of all this.

Like it or not, feminism and the modern woman or not, there is still a nautral order to the world. We know there are exceptions to every rule, but for the sake majority and clarity lets just paint this with a broad stroke.

Men are designed and driven to be the hunters. This is in every aspect of life, and when they are not feeling in charge it upsets their emotional balance. And I’m sorry ladies, I am very much an Alpha female in many aspects of my life, but I want my man in the drivers seat (figuratively). I need an alpha male. There is nothing sadder to me than an emasculated, whipped guy running around behind his dominant woman. Now , arguably, that is just my opinion and mindset.

But I ask you this. How many (truly) happy relationships do you see where the man is passive?

Usually I see an angry woman, and a pathetic man.

Now that is not to say I don’t see us a equals to men. I believe my opinions and thoughts are just as valid, my needs and wants just as important, and my goals and values equally consequential. But I do think there is a delicate balance in relationships, and when we take away our mans ability to be a leader, provider, and aggressor it puts them off.

I don’t mind a man saying he’d like to hear from me more, but I don’t like when the ball is all in my court and I have to be the intiator. Next. Not sexy.

We have this list of “rules”, becasue so many women ask the question of “how to be a woman a man see’s as worth pursuing”. Someone they see is worth making an effort for, stepping up, and continually showing up for.

In other terms “a woman of high value”. A woman of high value doesn’t look at the rules checklist. She is those things- becasue she has her own full exciting life, values and appreciates herself, knows her worth, and won’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t. On the other side of that coin, becasue she is so comforatable in her own skin, she is giving, kind, compassionate, strong (but not afraid to be vulnerable), loving, and caring.

This is what an emotionally healthy woman looks like (yes, this is not the only example-but I’m trying to keep this as concise as possible-and it’s already long).

An emotionally healthy woman expects the best from herself, so naturally she expects this from everyone else. Especiallly her man. Now that isn’t to say we always get what we expect in life. But if you are in a good place, you get good at letting go of- or not letting the nonsense in to begin with.

I have never/will never ask a man out. I have a high pressure job in a male dominated profession, I have to be “alpha” enough there. I want to enjoy my femininity outside of that. I am not saying it is horrible to ask a guy out, but there are reasons I won’t do it:

How do I know his real interest if I am always initiating? For almost any guy, this would be an ego boost (for any woman to ask them out) I am not saying I am God’s gift-this example has nothing to do with me. But men have fragile ego’s, just like most of us have fragile hearts. If you stroke a man’s ego, he can stay around for quite awhile just for that. But that isn’t real interest or love.

Most men want to be perceived as strong, tough, in-control, and successful. Just look at the media and all the advertisements geared towards men. It’s about some form of power (usually represented as success).

A man wants a woman who makes him feel like a success (and that definition is obviously different for each guy-just like we ladies each define love a little differently). But men feel successful when they win the race/obtain the prize.

To be the prize, you have to value yourself as a person and a woman. You need to be out there being your best “you” (being happy, having success in your career, creating and reaching your own goals, having your own friendships/hobbies/activities etc). In other words, someoe who knows their own worth and it’s visible to everyone around them.

When you are this, and think this way, then the list of rules is something you naturally do because you exude confidence.

Just about had a weak moment after an alcohol filled night with my girls getting hit on by drunk slimy boys. So over the bar scene but it’s nice to have such good friends by my side. It doesn’t seem to matter what disttactions I create I can’t shake him from my mind. I guess everything comes with time. I’m Glad I discovered this forum. It is nice to hear from those on the outside looking in.

Please wait a month to contact him about your things. If you contact him now it will look like a desperate attempt to see him. HOWEVER,if these things are that valuable to you arrange for a friend to pick them up for you. I honestly don’t trust that you can make this a quick exchange without groveling over the relationship.

I’ve never really understood the whole erasing his phone number thing. I’ve never deleted any number I have ever gotten. I just re-name them “d-bag with the truck guy” “Over protective, manipulative troll” “doNOT answer ever”. You get the point. But that way (if) when they do call I know to either answer or not. But I do understand that taking a guy off social media is necessary. Now how do I stop him from creeping my public posts? Or my Twitter/Instagram? Should I even care or go out of my way to not post stuff for a while? Or just know he could be viewing that and noticing I am busy doing cool shit without him?

I agree with Khadija, why do you need to keep them?

Letting that “d-bag with the truck guy” go is freeing. Why let him clutter you up?

I’ve been burned in the past with erasing numbers when I had an ex call me out of the blue 9 months post break up and I answered this mystery number while with my new crush leading to a big fight about how I was not over my ex and why he is still calling ect. Then again the answering and having no idea who it is and then I awkwardly have to ask “who is this again”? So yes I no longer delete numbers.

The nick names are so I know who they are still and my personal way of getting over a guy.

Names are just my personal fun way of knowing who I have in my phone. During the crush phase its “Leo LookALike” “Tough and Buff” “Awkwardly cute Accountant guy” then when it’s official they are worthy of a real name in my phone. When it’s over they get a mean name. Might not be for everyone but it’s just what I do.

When I’m with my new crush, I don’t answer my phone… My phone is my purse.

Betty,

The more I read, the more I see you getting in your own way of finding true happiness.

Raven and Khadija gave great advice.

I NEVER EVER answer a blocked or unknown number. I have a crazy ex (father of my son). He’s tried calling from numbers I don’t recognize or that are blocked. My philosophy is, if I don’t know the number- I don’t answer it. If it is that important, they will leave a message. If not-it’s either not important, or they know I don’t want to talk to them. Regardless it’s not a waste of MY precious time by answering/talking to them.

I’m going to call you out here (for your own good). I think you keep these people in your phone because you don’t want to let go, and/or you want the ego boost when they reach out again. Bottom line-all it sounds like are poor excuses.

These behaviors are not resulting in the desired effect of making you happy. So, why not try something different. Based on impartial, sound, thoughtful advice meant to help you.

You are being stubborn when it’s to your own detriment. And you are not going to find the love and happiness you seek this way.