Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › How do I tell him that he is losing me
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talllady.
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Lola
My guy is doing the whole ‘rubber band theory’ and he has done it from the very start, we will have a few days of perfection where he will act like my dream man and then all of a sudden he doesn’t reply to a text and I hear nothing of him for 3 or 4 days. In that time I don’t contact him at all either, I let him come back to me and initiate, I’m following the rules of the rubber band theory. But its got to the point now where I don’t know how much more I can take, I’m independent and have my own busy life but I’ve always been willing to make time for him, and I’ve never had a man be like this before.
How do I tell him or let him know that by going cold for several days he is actually pushing me away, whenever I bring up something like this, even just a little thing in a non-threatening way to him he calls me needy.
LAgirl
How long have you been together? Are you official GF/BF?
If you are only casually dating it is not unusual for a man to not have contact with you for a few days.If you are official and have been together for several months, this is simply bad behavior. UNLESS your expectations for contact is unrealistic. I would challenge you to evaluate his comment about you being ‘needy’- what do you think he meant by that? Are you constantly wanting attention from him? Do you prevent him from having time for himself or try to? Do you center your life and fun around him?
Lola
We are not offical but I know for a fact he is not dating other women. I have never told him that I would like or feel the need for more attention from him, I have always allowed him to initiate and then when he’s distance for a few days I don’t contact him I just allow him to come back to me, I’ve always believed I’m great at giving him space as I too enjoy a little space too, a day or two without contact suits me nicely but when he passes 3 days I begin to feel his distance. I do have my own life, I have many events and hobbies I take part in which he knows about, I’m always positive and happy too.
The last time he called me needy was when he told me his his plans for travelling for 2-3 months next year, he’s always lead me to believe that a serious long term relationship is where he would like us to be heading and so when he bought us travelling I simply asked if he still sees himself looking to have a serious relationship with someone in the future, and he got really defensive and called me needy.
LAgirl
How was it he ‘lead me to believe he wanted a serious relationship’ in the future?
Did he come right out and say this? Or did you come to that conclusion on your own? This is where we DO need to pay attention to a man’s words. Men who are silent on this issue or say ‘they are not ready for one’ or ‘may want one at some point’ etc…. are telling you that you are not the one.
First of all, you should not be having to ask him about wanting a relationship (when he mentioned his 3 month trip)…. he should be making his intentions clear to you.
His response about you being ‘needy’ would appear to be dodging the question and thus giving you your answer though. Right now he is casually dating you and not making any moves to claim you as a GF.
The problem with having the ASK a man to spend more time with you and communicate with you, is that you run into a real push/pull situation. The man has to decide on his own that he wants to do this. You telling him can many times, result in him doing just the opposite. No one wants to be TOLD what to do.
When a man is really into you and wants to make you a GF he will make all the effort to keep in touch and see you. This is because he won’t want to risk losing you to someone else.
I would not assume he isn’t at least looking for other women… he is still technically unoffical. So are you and I would keep my options open. Do not commit to a man who hasn’t committed to you.
The funny thing about men like this is that they will keep you around, but keep looking. Once he finds the ‘one’ he could move on very quickly and make her a GF.
I am not saying that will happen with you – just basing this on what you shared so far. It would help to know how long you have been dating and what specifically lead you to beleive he wanted a serious relationship in the future with you.
Lola
He has always been very vocal about what he wants in the future, and has directly said on several occasions that he sees us in a serious relationship in the future, however he has also always said that he wants to take things extra slow due due to having rushed things in all his past relationships. It has been around 4 months for us. I have however been introduced to his parents, who he apparently talks a lot about me and how he feels about me to (they said this, and he admitted to it too), isn’t this odd behaviour? Why would a man make his family aware of a women and his feelings for her, yet not actually make her his gf?
And yes that is why I have never asked for more attention, I know from past experiences when a guy has asked ME to give him more attention/spend more time together/call/text more it has always made me naturally want to do it less, because I felt that what I was giving already was as much as I wanted to give…. I have just had a sudden moment of realisation, I guess all he is giving is all his wanting/willing to give? I guess deep down I just wish there was a way to make him naturally want to give more to me.
LAgirl
Men usually decide within the first 6-8 weeks if you are ‘the one’- it takes about 6-8 dates.
If you have been seeing him for 4 months, he should know by now if you are going to be a GF. The ‘going slow’ approach is a stall tactic IMO. But then, you already have stopped seeing other men and he ‘has you’ – so no real incentive for him to work harder at not losing you.
Do not take too much stock into being introduced to parents. Many men will introduce you to friends, family, etc… and while for some it may be important, it’s not a guarantee of anything more serious.
Your original question is how to tell him he is losing you. You really don’t want to … words like this come across as needy and men don’t really pay attention to words as much as action.
In your case, I would pull back – not only mirror him, but pull back even more than he does. Get him wondering what is up. Have HIM questioning what is up with you.
My guess is that when he DOES communicate after a few days of absence you rush to respond…. stop it. Take more time to respond. Be more ‘busy.’ Turn down a few dates and say you have plans. If you are not so available and suddenly more busy… it will force him to think about what things would be like without you, and make him decide if he wants to push for more serious.
This is not game playing.. even though it may sound like it. I have no idea if he is doing any ‘rubber band’ thing. He appears to simply be treating your relationship very casual right now. I say this because 4 months of dating is enough time for a man to make you a GF, and days between contact means not serious IMO. Although other ladies on here may disagree with that.
By the way, it is better to keep your options open and see other men UNTIL the man makes you his GF. Thar way you won’t get so focused on this one and he knows that if he doesn’t step up, you may find someone who will. I know this is difficult if you really like the man, but if he isn’t making alot of effort or he is only ‘promising’ a possible future, it isn’t fair for you to put your life on hold until he decides.
LAgirl
By the way, while I didn’t have this issue with my fiance.. during the early stages of dating (and until he made me a GF) I always gave the impression that I was seeing others. Funny thing is, I wasn’t really seeing too many other men. Not because I didn’t want to.. I was just too busy with travel and work.
But I never led on for one moment that he HAD me. I didn’t lie, but I never divulged much in terms of what I did with all my free time.
This is what I mean by making him wonder.
My man made me his GF within a month and we got engaged a month later. We are getting married in October. I realize this time line is WAY fast for most people and I don’t recommend it unless you really meet ‘the one’ and you have a good head on your shoulder (experience and perhaps years of age :-) )
But,…. my point is, don’t give him the prize until he earns it!
Lola
Thanks so much LAgirl, you have been absolutely great! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me with such detailed answers. I am going to do exactly as you say and take a step back too.
You were right too about when he does initiate contact again after absence that I am quick to reply to him, so I think me stopping that when he contacts again will certainly shock him and have him question what is up IF he actually does care about things. I will admit it is hard because I truly like every part of this guy except for what lead me to posting on here. I will be strong though!
LAgirl
Good luck! I hope things work out in a way that makes you happy.
I have been in your shoes in the past. I remember one guy I was with that I tolerated the same thing. Always being put on hold for days or weeks.. Me jumping when he called and always available on his terms.. etc. it totally sucks.
At the time you feel that if you are just a better and more understanding GF that things will get better. In actuality it either stays the same or gets worse. We teach people how to treat us by how we respond/react to their behavior.
I learned the hard way (as well) that this is not effective in getting the man/relationship that you really want.. I wish you the best and keep us posted.
sybil
Lagirl,
I needed this advise too. Thanks for taking your time to respond to Lola.
Cheers!
talllady
I have a different opinion. Not everyone communicates at the same level. He can like you very much, want a relationship and still not contact you for 4 days. We are not all the same.
But, if that is not ok for you, then you choose not to be with it. He is showing you that he is ok with that, you do not need to attach meaning to it unless you want to.
I agree that men should be given freedom, and sometimes that level of freedom is not consistent with what you want in a relationship…
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