Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How Do We Feel About Men in Therapy
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Marie.
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Marie
Let me preface by saying that I am all for therapy, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. I believe in treatment. I believe in mental illness. And I believe in getting help when one needs.
I’ve mentioned here before about dating a new “out of my ordinary” type of guy, and one of the things that makes him different is that he is in therapy. He is consistently working on being a better person. And it definitely shows in our interactions and discussions, in a good and positive way (for the most part). However, I felt a slight sense of alarm when I recently found out he has been in therapy for almost 7 years, 2x per week.
I’ve had this conversation with my grown son, that therapy is a great avenue for self-care and healing, and sometimes medications are necessary for certain types of anxiety and depression, etc. But, in my heart of hearts, I always felt “mental” therapy was the same as “physical” therapy…meaning you go until you learn the tools (or exercises) and then you may occasionally need a maintenance dose, but not 2x a week for the rest of your life?
I could be way off base here, so please don’t yell at me! I am cognizant and accepting of his need to work on himself, and major kudos to him for doing so, as we all know men who need it but refuse help. I just want to know what you goddesses in this group honestly feel about what I’ve described above. I like the guy, love most likely, but something is holding me back, and I think it’s because I don’t feel like he’s in control of his emotions and/or maybe just needs a captive audience to listen to his innermost thoughts constantly (he could literally talk the paint off a wall).
I just wonder if he has the capacity to be happy, because despite him claiming to be happy, he gets teary-eyed and cries often. (No shame in that game at all, I love it, but it’s seeming excessive). And, re-reading my questions above, I also question if I am open-minded and considerate and loving enough to accept a partner who needs therapy 2x per week. But it’s 2023, maybe it’s just a sign of the times and maybe I’m making too much out of all of it and I should be happy he wants to be better. Help, 5 months in but he’s quite serious and I don’t want to hurt him, but I just wonder if he’ll ever stop talking so deeply about every little thing every single day.
Maddie
I don’t think therapy 2x a week is inherently a problem unless it’s a problem for YOU. If you can’t get beyond it, then this is not a compatible relationship for you. And it’s okay to not be a good romantic match for each other.
Going for 7 years twice a week may be a sign that he’s a little stuck and perhaps this therapist or specific type of therapy isn’t working the best, sure. But some people also enjoy their appointments, because there are two approaches to therapy (in my opinion). There’s the kind when you want to really untangle and heal issues so you can change and work through really bad times. But then there’s also maintenance when your life is going decently and you simply find you really like talk therapy. For those people, continuing to go even in good times helps them cope and keeps them from backsliding. If he can afford it, he likes it, his ultimate goal was never to “outgrow” therapy, and his issues aren’t interfering with his life or yours, then there’s nothing wrong with him continuing to go to his sessions as he pleases. It’s actually a more positive sign than the people who only want to go when something is really bothering them, do maybe a quarter of the work they need to do, and then just stop because they feel “fine” now but nothing has actually changed.
If something is stopping you from wanting to progress with the relationship, it’s up to you to decide if how he copes with his emotions day to day and your not being into how he always needs depth and seriousness and to talk about himself is a dealbreaker for you, or if you’re looking for an excuse to exit because you have your own intimacy fears no matter who you are dating. Either (or neither if it’s something else) of those is okay as long as you’re honest with yourself about it and make the decision you need to make for yourself accordingly. After 5 months, you’ve gotten a decent impression of who he is and I wouldn’t expect that to change much, so you do have enough basic information here to figure out what you want and if this is the right relationship for you.
If you do end things with him, yes, break ups hurt for everyone… but at least you know he already has a therapist to help him work through it :) So don’t let fear of hurting him make you stay with someone it’s not working out with: he’s an adult and can deal with it if the relationship ends, plus staying in it longer and longer if it’s not for you ends up being more painful for everyone down the road.
Liz Lemon
Maddie’s reply was excellent. Honestly it sounds to me like you guys aren’t a great match– “I just wonder if he’ll ever stop talking so deeply about every little thing every single day”, “he could literally talk the paint off a wall”– little comments like that seem to show that you aren’t comfortable with who he is as a person. This is who he is. It’s OK to not be compatible! It doesn’t make him a bad person, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Five months in is more or less when the honeymoon period starts to wear off. So you’re starting to see who he really is, and it may be that he’s not the right person for you. Maddie’s reply covered a lot of ground so I don’t have much more to add.
Marie
Agreed, Liz, Maddie is spot on. Thank you Both! I am hoping we are a match because I have spent the past 15 years choosing the wrong men, and he’s a good guy. Just knowing that people have different reasons other than being unhappy or confused to stay in therapy helps me to understand. And yes, I do wish he was less serious at times, but I’m goofy enough for the 2 of us! Maybe he can help me fly a little straighter and I can help him loosen up a little and enjoy the sillier side of life.
I feel so embarrassed to even question his path to mental health, it just seemed severe to me, and I’m glad to know that it’s not an indication of anything other than maybe just who he is and what works for him. And I give him so much credit for that. And maybe I should be a little less judgmental and give myself a real chance at happiness with a good man. (Ouch on the emotional unavailability of myself…that could surely be true as well, but I’m working on it!)
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