How do you prepare for heartache

Honey, you’re not preparing for a heartache, you’re already going through a heartache in case you haven’t noticed. Your heart is already aching with unsaid things, the past, anxiety over the future.

I wanted to say that the biggest problem which led to your break up in the first place was miscommunication.

People who spend 2 weeks fighting about something are not talking face to face but are texting. Texting is generally a no no when you want to talk about important things.

You can’t be friends after a break up, no, no and no, he initially blocked you because he also had feelings for you and was hurt. You still can’t be friends now, because you still have feelings for him, sorry.

You can’t focus on creating new memories when you have not addressed the problem which led to the breakup first. What has changed from the last time you broke up and argued?. If nothing has changed and you haven’t addressed the issue, you can’t get back together.

Also, STOP meeting up at these ‘coincidentally convenient’ soirees and events and then you turn them in into your ‘come to Jesus’ moments. If you want to talk, to get closure or rehash the relationship, arrange a one on one meet up.

If you really want to talk, just text him ” Hey,I just wanted you to know. If you want to talk, I’m ready when you are”

His reply or lack or it will tell you where he stands. If it’s positive, set up a meeting and Cease and Desist from texting.

If it’s in the negative or vague, then move on and maybe don’t attend those events, you still have feelings for him, seeing him in any capacity will cause you some pain.

I don’t know why people do this whole thing of trying to be all vague and assuming (wrongly) what someone is thinking and then acting (wrongly) upon it.

In my native language we say, don’t make assumptions about something when it’s there.

Flor, you seem to be mature girl who is keen on doing some self work and knows what she wants. With that kind of attitude, nothing can shake you!

It seems like you have figured it out that you’re not ready to get back together and you both have issues to work on.

I’m guessing nothing has changed on both your parts, from the last time you argued and broke up , still the same ideas and thoughts and beliefs. So reconciliation will not work.

You can’t be friends, at least not know. You still have feelings and you’re not there yet.

If it will hurt you seeing him with another girl or flirting then you need to remember the reasons you broke up, the reasons why you can’t reconcile with him and the fact that you’re working on yourself to be the best version of yourself.

If it’s just too much, just avoid going to places you know he will be.

Well, this is the summary of the day…

I feel he is always looking to what i do and trying to engage conversation. He brought my favourite snacks, he used to do that as surprise when we were together. I was for most of the event just friendly replying to his conversation starters by smiling and giving short answers. Then pretty much trying to stay away from him and around others. At some point i thought it was becoming too obvious and i didn’t want to hurt his feelings so at the end, we all went to have a drink and i started to ask him about things i know are happening in his life and we haven’t talked about since the breakup. I really think he is an amazing person, so generous. And i told him “i think you really are the most generous person i have ever met” That somehow triggered him on a weird way. He then started talking about me with the people next to us, on a jokingly tone but somehow felt like if he were still resentful. “Did you know what i did for Flor, this and that” and i replied to all of those things “he did, he is a great person, blah blah”
None of the people there knew we had a past and i wanted it to remain that way, but all the sudden i felt he was making it obvious and i was trying to just make it look casual. But all his comments seems to be a way of telling me “look what you are missing out”, which is unfair because it was him who didn’t want to try again after the breakup.
The think that just doesn’t fit is the fact that once we are apart, we don’t text and we don’t talk. He has told me multiple times he doesn’t like texting with me because it’s the start of all our arguments but the fact that he is not even curios about how i am or me at all, is just a really bad sign for me.

I don’t know. I really think he is an amazing man and i am giving up on him out of fear of rejection. When i think with cold mind about the day, I think he really wanted to spend time with me but i kept rejecting him for the most part. I also tend to trick myself and i was thinking all the time “maybe he is talking to me because it’s easy for him and he is just trying to be inclusive in the group or to make himself noticeable for another woman” I don’t like entertaining those thoughts because they only feed my fear.

I think i am much better now than when we broke up, although i think it’s very soon. But i think i should follow Erin’s advice and get closure and then move on for real. Sadly I can’t tell him to not to come to those events, they are public, so it will have to be me who finds the new people.

Next event is in two weeks, I think i’ll take my time to came up with what i want and how to deal with this. Most likely i will just text him that i still miss him and take it from there… i can’t wait to this being over.

Please address the past issues before going into ‘I miss yous’, don’t try to brush them under the carpet. Also leave the deep, sentimental talks for when you meet up. Texting can cause misunderstandings esp when you talk about serous stuff

Flor, you have such good resolve and strength, something most of us lack in these relationships when they fall apart, we can’t see the forest for the trees.

It would have been preferable if texting about the future plans or anything to do with your past was kept to a bare minimum and y’all met up instead, but it seems that is out of the picture, at least for now.

At the end of the day, you’re choosing the high road, which is facing problems head, taking responsibility for past actions and working on self improvement, while he’s choosing to be passive aggressive at every turn ,at the end of the day you don’t want an immature guy in your life.

You’re clearly at different stages so I guess you both need to do some individual growth and see where it takes you. You might even start liking other guys as well pretty soon.

Hello! :)

I thought i update you on this a bit out of courtesy because you really gave good advice.
I thought it was a good idea to use Erin’s advice. I texted him that i felt sometimes still there was some resentment when we talk that maybe we should clear the air. He was soooo rude kind of “i don’t know what type of feelings you have but i don’t feel i need to talk about anything and i don’t have any resentment. I then asked him, nicely, if he wouldn’t mind then stop saying things about the past in front of others because its hurtful and uncomfortable, he didn’t reply.
But then he asked for a ride to the event… and it felt like hell, all i could think was “this guy really thinks i am crazy about him and can use me whenever he can”. So i told him that. Then we fought and believe me, there was A LOT of resentment, but at least i am glad he left it out.
Days past and i went on a really really good date. I met this incredible nice guy, so sweet, so not argumentative. But i knew i wasn’t fully moved on so i asked him if we could take things slow and he agreed (now i am very regretful of that, because i would really like him to make a move and we are in a weird limbo)

In order to fix things and because we were going to meet again soon, i send a calm text apologizing and where i apologized and took part of the responsability. I agreed i wasn’t fully moved on, but almost, but that i was commited to let him go. That i was aware that we weren’t a match, that we should have known each other a bit more before getting together because we both would have realized we have incompatible characters. I told him i am angry because what’s left doesn’t fill me as friend, that i miss talking to him like we used to before.
He replied still with some resentment that he feels that when i talk i hurt him and don’t respect him and that’s why he prefers not talking to me.
I told him i have an ex as friends, with whom i used to fight a lot too, and that it took us years and dating other people to trully be able to consider each other friends. I told him maybe until we reach that point, we should minimize contact.
He didn’t reply

I was going on a second “date” with the new guy (he basically came to an event with my friends) and as i am getting out of my car, i get a text from the ex saying that he also misses talking to me and this and that other thing we used to do. And that just changed my mood for the date. It just left me in a weird state of mind. I needed time to process those feelings and i think i was kinda cold with the new guy.
When i got home, i replied, kindly just making clear it was only going to be friendship. But i still was kind of confused about my feelings and thought it was a good idea to hold until seeing him during the weekend. And when i saw him, there was nothing AT ALL left in my heart. He was kind of nice to me, surprisingly, he brought me something he made for me to try. Kind of like in the movies, when the organizer pair us all up, he put us together >< and we manage to do pretty well I think. He is volatile for sure, he went in a few non-kind attitudes that weekend that made me even feel more sure about my choice… and by the end of the day i was drunk texting the new guy. I really think i like him and that will make for another post, that i may or may not do, because i am not sure if he is not making a move because he lost interest or because i asked him to go slow, but it’s being a week since we last saw each other and there is no date in schedule… we’ll see, i am still not panicking but close :)

thanks for reading my memoir!

Hey Flor

Now that this guy has shown you exactly where you stand it’s time to cut him loose completely. His 15 minutes of fame are over.

He has shown that he can not have a decent adult conversation without being rude or childish i.e poor communication skills. He has also shown you that he is not a nice person at all and blows hot and cold with you. Whatever is going on with him has nothing to do with you at this point.

As for this new guy i think it’s unfair that you are seeing him while you are still resolving stuff with your crazy ex. He doesn’t need to be caught in that drama.

Either let him go before you hurt him by being emotionally unavailable or cut off your ex in every facet and decide if you want to see this new guy.

Well…it seems new guy won’t work either. We were exchanging texts and I got the opportunity to bring up my concerns because I had the feeling things weren’t moving.
Long story short we met online, 4 weeks ago went on a date and it went very well, I asked him to take things slow he agreed. The following two weeks we didn’t go ok dates but he just came hang out to two outdoor events I go every week. He kissed me last time. But since then it’s only being texts. He writes me good morning every morning but we haven’t met again for the last 10 days.
Then today he said something and I asked if he was joking or trying to y
Tell me something. He said he liked me but he didn’t know where do we stand and that he still goes to the app. Nothing serous but he still goes on dates…
I told him that’s normal and me top and that I think that if he would have seen me as something else than just a friend he would have asked me already out on a date. He said he is usually slow but that I am probably right because he haven’t made the move to ask me out again. I wished him good luck, deleted his texts and phone because I don’t trust myself…
I have also deleted the dating app and I won’t use it again until I am fully moved on. I shouldn’t have. I feel it always backfires me. Now I am worried I’ll feel lonely and i’ll miss my volatile ex. Now it’s when I am to prove myself my self-care by just taking time to for real to just take care of myself and feel good. I am feeling really down today. I feel like love is not on the cards for me and that when finally I thought a good guy was going to get interested on me, I am back to square 0…

Thanks Tammy, I agree with you. That’s exactly why I deleted the app. I feel like more than liking this guy I wanted to like him. Because I am ready for a nice guy instead of the nice but damaged elements I tent to feel attracted to. I need to put the focus on myself again and hopefully be more good guy worthy. :)

the past is not serving you well in the present. and it may very well play spoilsport for your present and future if you continue to allow it to mess up your head. block both the men. cut off the past which is not serving you well and just ruining your future chances. forget men and dating. just focus on self. learn to live and enjoy life as a single with family and gud friends. work on self. do things that make you happy and make you feel gud. step back into dating when you feel free from the past. and this time set some good boundaries.