Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How do you tell a man who isn’t your BF what your demands are?
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SussieQue.
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SussieQue
Hey Ladies, I need some weird advice.
Okay, I am dating a guy that doesn’t have much game. He’s sweet enough, but I honestly believe I’m dating a 25 year old virgin. We are 9 or so dates in, and our last date was the first time he reached out to grab my hand. I don’t think he would have kissed me on the third date if I hadn’t playfully brought up that he hadn’t. I suppose I keep seeing him because he’s sweet and he’s a great friend. (I just recently discovered the differences between an alpha and beta male.. this guy is VERY beta).
But here’s the deal.. he texts me all day every day. I’m very limited on responding these days because well, it just seems like overkill. We’ve been dating since the beginning of February and in this entire amount of time he’s ONLY ever made two morning phone calls to me (both only lasting 5 minutes.. to me I think if he cared about me more he’d call me).
Anyway, I feel like I’m not seeing much boyfriend potential in this guy because he doesn’t try to woo me more. He’ll text me all day but he doesn’t call.. doesn’t try to make out with me, touch me etc. However, he just yesterday admitted to me that it was embarrassing to him that I was a much better kisser than he was. As in the past he waited quite some time before he was comfortable to even try to kiss a girl -I didn’t realize three dates in was early.. to me it seemed like a long time! When he was younger his parents divorced and he was practically raised my a very dominate mother, maybe he’s more effeminate then most.. I don’t know. You know, the sensitive/intellectual type (again very beta).
So for awhile we were going out once on the weekend with an exception here or there of seeing each other once in the middle of the week in passing. However, the past couple weeks he’s maintained seeing me once every other week (so we’ve only seen each other twice in the past month).. expect meeting up once at school –so three times total in the past month. To me it felt like I got demoted form seeing him at least once every weekend to alternating weekends. Which was bizarre and it stung but I kept telling myself “HE’S SHOWING YOU HIS INTEREST LEVEL BY NOT ASKING YOU OUT MORE OR CALLLING, YADA YADA YADA.” And I maintained my normal bubbly self on dates.
Our last date was alright.. but it should be noted that EVERY date I’ve ever been on with this guy is ill planned. He usually drives to my town (a 40 minute commute) and we always do dinner (which he always asks me where I want to go- and then we go there.. he’s so passive with this.. I wish he picked a place or was enthusiastic about a place) and after we eat we usually go to a movie or on a walk. My past two dates with him, he’s suggested we split the tab.. and my meal this last time wasn’t even $8 total (meal and drink). That’s a turn off to me alone -he’s cheap as well, right? Another strike.
Okay, well he’s been texting me telling me that he has something he wants to bring up on the next date or so. I didn’t really respond to that (hoping he doesn’t plan on asking me to be his girlfriend) and then again yesterday he said something along the same lines.. “I’m feeling really confident about what I’m gonna ask you..” In the back of my mind, I know this guy is going to ask me to be his girlfriend.. but me being the nice rulesy-type of girl that I am I don’t feel I should have to ask him to step up more then he is already doing. I don’t want to suggest that he call me more, plan our dates better, pick up the tab, yada yada yada.. as I feel we are still so fresh into our relationship. I know that he should be doing this kind of stuff though to actually obtain me as his girlfriend. After all isn’t requesting such things nagging before the relationship even begins? I think this guy is one of those guys that is perfectly content with minimal contact, dates every other week and non-stop text fests. You’d have to meet him to know he isn’t playing me.. that he can’t interact with women well enough to know when one is interested.
The thing is he’s great.. he’s kind, sweet, and all that.. but he’s not affectionate/alpha at all here. I just feel like I deserve so much more relationship wise.
What do I do? What can I do? Can I lay out guidelines if he asks me to be his girlfriend or do I just say “I’m sorry, no” and then stop seeing him. Is there a way to get a guy to step up his game??Can anyone help me here? Any and all advice is welcome!
Dauny
I think he’s not entirely into women, but I’ve got personal baggage there, so consider the source…If you really like him, see where it goes. I would tell him what you want if he asks to be your boyfriend. If a beta male turns you on, there is nothing wrong with you being Alpha. You’ll probably lose interest in him, sounds like. Give it your best shot and see what happens.
Anne
Hi. I personally think you cannot “make” someone step up their game. Naturally there are guys who are more timid. He might jsut be a bit cautious, nothing wrong with that.
Just go with the flow and see how he plays it, don’t try to overanalyse or try to look for methings “make” him do things.
If he does not pursue things the way it would make you happy – well then it just was not emant to be.Laur
“I just feel like I deserve so much more relationship wise.”
So why are you considering being his girlfriend?!? No…no…you do not tactfully present a laundry list of chores for this guy to do in order to transform himself into your ideal boyfriend…you move on from this awkward fool and find your ideal bf
soni
u seem more like friends then bf/gf. it simple. if u like him that way then continue and see where this goes. if u not sure then cut down on the texting and give things some space.
redcurleysue
You are a woman who knows what makes her bells ring – an although this is a very nice sweet guy he does not clang your bells.
I would be very nice to him and tell him the truth – you like him very much as a person but do not feel romantic towards him. Expect that he and you will be sad…but you should not continue with this man, giving both of you hope where clearly there is none.
Tell him you would like to be friends (if that is what you want) but you don’t want to get his hopes up for romance.
SussieQue
Ladies… thank each and everyone of you for raising a voice to help me tonight.
Dauny.. I’ve actually wondered this.. just because of the lack of physical/intimate contact. He hasn’t made my “gaydar” go off so to speak.. but there is some serious testosterone missing here.
Laur.. you made me spit out my drink!! Thanks for the bluntness and wise words. Damn it, I know you are right. No matter how great of a guy he is.. he’s not my “ideal” dream boat (ie macho or alpha) Truth be told I’m so very feminine, I want a manly man that peruses me wholeheartedly.
Everyone else -I appreciate the go-with-the-flow and cut him loose advice. Tonight, I fear I need to go with the latter.
How do you let down a seemingly wonderful person? I feel there is no tactful way to do this and remain friends, but I would like to try. I know this guy has suffered rejection before which is probably why he’s moving at the speed of a turtle throughout our relationship.
ALSO…..
Tonight he admitted to me that he is indeed a virgin! He said he has messed around slightly before but has never gone all the way. I can’t say I’m shocked.. but isn’t abnormal to be a 25 year old male in our society and still have your V-Card? I think it’s wonderful he is one.. but I’m still shocked. He does believe in God but I don’t think he is overly religious by any means. I am religious as well, just not overly. Is it possible I am dating a gay man who hasn’t come to terms with it yet, thusly he has not come out of the closet??!patsytshirt
You wont be happy with a beta…trust me. you are doing all the work and not getting anything back, he sounds boring, passive, submissive, cheap etc. Get an alpha male 2.0, they dont want commitment but will make you feel like a woman. Lol
Mistral
I agree with Patsy. A beta male won’t work for a woman like you. If you are patient, relationship-savvy, man-savvy, and utterly confident in your womanly charisma, sex appeal and a happy personality, you can make a commitment-phobic alpha male fall in love with you.
If you want a challenge, work on becoming such a siren, no man can resist you. If you feel this would be too much work (and honestly, it is a lot of work) then you’re best off staying single or settling for a beta “yes” man who will follow you around like a lost puppy dog.
kimf
I just had to do this with a nice guy. Sometimes the nice guys are the hardest to end it with because you second guess yourself and wonder if you should just try harder. But ya, my nice guy just didn’t do it for me…zero chemistry. And not because he was nice, the chemistry just simply wasn’t there. I would love to meet a nice guy I have chemistry with..meaning I want to kiss him ;).
Anyway, all I said was, I do not feel the way I want to feel to be in a relationship.
And you should keep dating others! Keep your options open always until someone knocks your socks off and you don’t feel the need to try to figure him out. Good luck!Ashley
honestly I stopped reading at the splitting of the date – especially $8 like WTF is that???? he isn’t even man enough to want to pay for a date, let alone under 10 dollars????? helllll no next lol you deserve far far more than that! you need a real man
kimf
100% agreed. Ashley, how was your date? ;)
Laur
LOL awh I’m glad it was well-received :) I’ve been there with the nice guys but they never worked out for me because attraction doesn’t follow logic!
Ashley
hey Kim, there was none lol he said he was coming to the cabin with family, he doesn’t know what to do, it’s turkey season. lmao I told him he should do that then. I think that was a bs excuse but who knows. I deleted his number lol
SussieQue
You all have no idea how much it meant to get online tonight and see so many women who I respect answer my question… thank you all for taking the time to read my delemma and respond!
@Pastyshirt -I couldn’t agree more.. I was just thinking if I’m so unhappy this early on its an awful sign.@Mistral -you’re response actually made my day! I think I need to get in the gym, continue to date around with all the guys that come my way, and just do me until a guy wins me over. This is just a muck I’ve got myself into and I know I can do so much better.
@Kimf – It’s SO much harder when they are a good guy.. but this is just bad. I feel like all this turtle motion has made me lose all the romantic feelings I had for him. It’s just pathetic. I deserve some happiness here -and some damn make out sessions. As do you!
@Ashley -I KNOW RIGHT! WTF! I was taken back by that gesture .. split the check when my bill is freaking $8.. It like the icing on an already bad cake.
I was obviously on the fence about this guy but all you ladies reassuring me to do myself (and him) a favor has really helped me out here. I deserve happiness in the dating world, and as great of a guy as he is.. he’s just not making me happy. I’ve already gone distant on the guy today and rest assured, I’ll tell him when the time is right.. which I’m sure will be fairly soon.
I’m going to start planning my summer vacation and book it to Florida here in a week or two.
Life is to good to be unhappy!
Mistral
You’re most welcome and enjoy Florida. If the thought occurs, you could always go for a short FWB or NSA fun while there…might as well start practicing those siren skills…
And hitting the gym is a fantastic idea…get those muscles all tones up…also, it will change your mood dramatically as you suddenly feel much more alive and the PASSION for life comes back…
And then when you are truly ready, you’ll find the love of your life. :)
Ashley
girl don’t feel bad because the fact he can’t even pay for your beverage & food shows you everything you need to know. I can’t emphasize that enough lol any guy who was good would WANT to pay for your dinner whether it was $100 or 8 lol ugh
Eric CharlesKeymasterI don’t think I’d want anything to do with a woman who had “demands” for me… might sound semantic, but I think using precise language for what you mean is important… and there’s no room for enjoyment for either person in a frame where one (or both) people are making “demands”.
SussieQue
Eric,
I hear what you are saying. Truth be told I’d be perfectly fine continuing just being friends with this guy -as that’s what this feels more like to me, a friendship. There really is no romance at all here. But I fear he is going to ask me to be his girlfriend and I refuse to accept because I am very unhappy with the way things are. I wish he’d call every now and then to check in, I wish he’d make out with me whenever the urge pops up, I wish he’d at least offer to cover my bill, I actually could go on because so many things are lacking with him. So, no I don’t want to be his girlfriend but I’d be more then happy remaining friends with him.
I kind of gathered from the other women that responded that you can’t really put demands on a guy (maybe that was badly worded -expectations maybe is better..?)
But if he steps up and asks me to be his girlfriend like I think he’s about to.. what do I say? I know he has no idea I feel this way about everything.. so I was having a hard time translating all that to him (i.e. that I want this and that in a romantic relationship).I don’t know.. I think I’m better off here just letting him down, because he probably IS doing everything he WANTS to do already. I’m planning on booking my plane ticket for a mini-vacation.
Any further advice from you would be greatly appreciated!
Lady T
Hi SussieQue,
In my opinion, tell him the truth. Tell him you’d like to be friends, if that. You have to be blunt. It seems like men are portrayed to be SO different sometimes that one would believe that they don’t speak English, but its quite the opposite!! They’re less complicated. If you want nothing, be direct. Don’t string him along or drag anything out unless you want to deal with letting him down easy for the next 2+ weeks. Yes, I’m sure he likes you but if you know you’re not digging him, say so! You can do it nicely. Short and simple. You could even just say you’re simply not ready right now… xoGood dancer
I really think he is gay. I was thinking it the moment I started reading. So many signs.
SussieQue
I thought I’d give you all an update.
I’ve decided to end whatever in the world is going on here because I’m unhappy with it.I’m sure he can sense my distance, but I’ve made up my mind. I will discuss it with him tomorrow, as he is graduating today (of which I was uninvited to) and I don’t want to ruin a great day for him.
Thank you all for such great advice. I’m no longer going to settle for the “lazy man” whether he is gay or just oblivious.. I deserve happiness here too:)
SussieQue
For any other women struggling out there…
www. baggagereclaim .co.uk/raising-your-dating-standards-why-you-shouldnt-be-ok-with-lazy-communication-via-text-email-etc/Read this article!
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