Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How I finally realized he is emotionally unavailable
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Allie.
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Maria
Hi ladies,
Some of you already know my story but I decided to post a sort of an abstract of it as I think there is a lot to be learnt from it. I’ve read a lot of threads here on ANM and I think the problem many of us have is that we get too invested in men who simply are emotionally unavailable (maybe in general, maybe to us specifically) and bang our heads on the wall to make the relationship work. I just realized today the guy I was in that situation too and ended it. And guess what, I feel no hurt and no regret. Just pure joy that I took control of my own happiness.
So here’s how it went down. I was dating this guy for a little over 3 months. Our time together was always great and we truly enjoyed our company. I had my weak moments but I never truly questioned his feelings for me. Still today I know he, well, if not loved me, at least cared deeply about me. About one month in, I noticed I was putting more effort into the relationship and initiating more contact, and asked him what was going on. He said he hadn’t lost interest and stepped up for a while. However at that point he told me it was “hard” for him to be in a serious relationship. I told him that’s exactly what I wanted but he never really responded. A few weeks later he got drowned in work and we saw each other less. Honestly because of lack of time. I started freaking out on the inside again but kept it all to myself. I did tell him I’d like to see him more often and again he stepped up. He started introducing me to his friends and shared very personal stuff (including that he had been married and it had ended badly), and I begun trusting the relationship more.
Over the holidays he went on a vacation abroad and we didn’t see each other for two weeks. I felt insecure about where the relationship was headed and stalked him on social media. I found out he had got out of a year long relationship about 4 months before meeting me. I felt even more insecure. When he got back from the vacay, the game had totally changed and he was acting like my boyfriend. Contacting me all the time, making much more time for me and being really considerate. I felt great. However, he was still on Tinder.
Then the poop hit the fan. Long story short, last week we went to a party together, got really drunk, and he tried to kiss another woman right in front of me. Go figure. Last Sunday we talked about it, openly and honestly, and I think that’s the best talk I’ve ever had with him. He said in his past relationships he has lost himself, given in too much and been way too accommodating. He felt women always put him in a cage. I have to admit, I had had a go at him a couple of times over the months too, so I guess he was afraid I would do the same. Because of his marriage had ended badly, he was afraid of commitment. To him, commitment is for life, and that’s way too daunting of an idea. He said he wasn’t sure if he had anything to offer me.
I reacted in the most feminine way I can imagine – I tried to convince him he could trust me, I would never put him in a cage (of course he needed to define the cage to me first tho), and we could make this work. What I wanted from him was me to be able to trust him. He emphasized he had to want to earn my trust. I wanted to say we need to go emotionally exclusive but what I really was saying is that however broken and unavailable you are, I will be patient with you. I will heal you. Even if you have nothing to offer, I will make that up by giving you it all.
Of course Sunday I didn’t see it that way. I thought I was making it totally irresistible to him to enter into a serious relationship with me. I mean, a chance to heal with a loving woman, what more do you want?! Looking back, I realize I was still in too much denial, unwilling to accept the relationship really could end, and was about to sell myself short. So what opened my eyes? You ladies here (thank you especially Stefanie and LAgirl!) and all the red flags I could finally see:
1) he had told me it’s hard for him to be in a serious relationship.
2) whatever happened to his marriage, he had told me he hadn’t fully recovered.
3) he went MIA a couple of times without any explanation.
4) he had got out of a relationship relatively recently.
5) he tried to kiss someone else in front of me.
6) he was still on Tinder.
7) he wasn’t willing to lose his freedom and indirectly told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be trustworthy.
8) he told me he was afraid of commitment.
9) he told me he wasn’t sure if he had anything to offer.
10) most importantly, he was making me insecure.You may read the list and think WHOA, how could she NOT see where that was going? I admit, that’s my thought now too :) But of all the time I spent together with the guy, this was probably 1%. It’s easy to ignore 1% BS when 99% is great. It wasn’t when I was with him when I was insecure, it was when he was away from me. And because of all the good times I kept going.
The point I want to make with sharing all this is that we’ve all been there. Ignoring red flags, trying to heal the guy, just hoping for best. BUT. It’s not the guy we need to put first and make happy, it’s us. You are the only person whose happiness you are in full control of. Why sacrifice that for someone who makes you question? If you’re posting on ANM asking whether he’s lost interest, he probably is. I know it sounds daunting but if he ever says any of the “I can’t make you happy”/”I don’t want to hurt you”/”You’re out of my league”/”I have nothing to offer”/”I’m not ready”, BELIEVE HIM. It’s been said here a million times. Look up translations of what a man means when he says any of these (there are great translations on a British site called Baggage Reclaim). I was too focused on the good I didn’t see what he meant, so reading straight-forward, no nonsense translations of these lines really helped me get it. He was pushing me away and telling me not to expect a serious relationship with him. Whatever his reasons were, it wasn’t meant to be. Not now and not with me.
Not sure I did what I promised in the topic lol, explain “how” it finally sank in for me that I deserve better. I guess I wrote this as personal closure on the matter. Reading this forum and seeing other women in similar situations has helped me a lot and that’s why I wanted to contribute back. Let’s be the prize! Good luck to all the men trying to win us over :)
talllady
You already posted this and we responded… Nothing more…
talllady
Oh, I see you learned the lesson. Hugs and happy hunting, onto the next
Maria
Yeah I know :) At some point in a relationship you want to shout it out from rooftops. I want to shout out I finally got it and feel strong and happy. I don’t see nothing wrong with posting something positive on a forum which mostly dwells on sad stuff and insecurities. Be happy with me!
Devon
Thank you for sharing. I’m in a somewhat similar situation. He has never told me verbally about being unable to commit but his actions does. He disappears and return as if nothing happened. Told me he had to deal with some difficult issues and wouldn’t go deeper. Tried to ask and he simply said that it would scare me to know what’s in his mind. Everyone has a past, I do as well and it’s so hard to be with someone who refuses to open up. A year has gone by and I think it’s time for me to leave. Thank you for giving me the courage to admit and make a decision to leave.
Sasha
Great post Maria! Very inspirational!! Its great to hear a positive story, especially one that helps empower women who might be in similar situations! Im proud of you for coming to this realization!
Maria
Thank you, good to hear you find my story inspirational!
Devon, what you said sounds a lot like this guy I was seeing. The first time he ever shared anything deep and personal was when we had the first talk after about a month, and all he said it was “hard” for him to be in a serious relationship. My nurturing instinct kicked in and I tried to encourage him by sharing my own bad experiences with men and my own fears. I thought that would help him open up. I don’t know if it was because of that or what but slowly he started sharing more. It took him 2 months to tell me he had been married – I had never ever crossed my mind to ask, I was so infatuated and blind! And when I finally spat it all out last Sunday, all he was trying to do was to push me away.
Now that I’ve learnt my lesson, I think if a man refuses to open up and has secrets, he is keeping them from you for a reason. He probably just isn’t in a position to be in a relationship. The timing might be wrong, you might be the wrong person. But if you accept he stays closed, he is just dragging along with partial effort. Even if he’s not on Tinder like my guy was, he isn’t envisioning a future with you and is ready to leave when the opportunity comes up. It may hurt at first but please try to stop thinking he will change and your love will heal him. It won’t – the only person who can heal him is himself (that’s what I told my guy when I walked away and he almost bursted in tears).
Maria
Oh and Devon, my interpretation of him telling you he has difficult issues is that he is giving you a warning. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to lay it all out there but he is hinting he is emotionally unavailable. Don’t settle for this.
Katie
Woah talllady! Your reply was rude, I’ve noticed your responses can be harsh and cold. Try going towards a more gentle approach. Positivity and love are the best way to go :)
Maria! I love this post :) thank you sooo much for sharing :)
Devon
Hi Maria,
I’m in tears as I was reading through these messages. I’ve spoken to him and told him I needed some time to think about ‘us’ and explained why. He told me it was out of the field and that he had been so sick the whole week and that was why he hasn’t reach out. This wasn’t the first time he did that( as in suddenly disappearing without contact) and I’ve never pushed for answers because I wanted to give him space and let him come forward to me by himself. All these while I have yet to say we should part but he told me coldly that he will respect my decisions to part ways.
I had asked him what page was he on regarding us and his replies were he has been on the same page, nothing has changed. It was a vague answer to me and I asked for clarifications and he wouldn’t answer me. I guess I’m the nurturing type of woman as well, thinking I can embrace and heal him because I saw the good in him. Another reason why I’m so fond of him was the fact that he made me want to be a better person. And I thought I found the one. It’s hurting but I really think I need to break through and become stronger.
Thank you once again for sharing your experience with me, it means a lot.
Stefanie
Maria, I’m reading this in the flight lounge at Heathrow, about to board a flight for LAX. I will be in the US 10 days on business.
I’m wiping my eyes. You had the same wonderful transformation I did a few months back. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND SO PROUD OF YOU!!! This was very, very painful for you, I know. You stuck with it and you LEARNED. BIG CHEERS AND HUGS!!!
And fantastic post. This is what so many girls posting need to hear. Great work. Very generous to take the time to share your journey so others may benefit. And I’m glad my experiences helped you.
There it is in black and white girls. Believe them when they tell you they are somehow emotionally unavailable. It ain’t s’posed to be that hard! The Golden Rule is YOU are the golden prize. They WANT to work to earn you. Let them. Save sweet and understanding for your girlfriends!!
Maria
Oh Devon, I wish I could be there to hug you and talk to you. I hope it’s of any comfort that someone in Northern Europe is feeling your pain now and sending you all the love and strength in the world.
I’m so glad you had the courage to tell him you’re questioning your relationship. You’ve now taken the first step, and whatever the outcome is, it will be for the best. The question you now need to ask yourself is who have you been making happy so far and would be making if you continue seeing him. Clearly not yourself, maybe not even him. List what you want changed in order to make yourself happy and tell him. I’m not sure it will do any good as he already said he would respect your decision to walk away even though you hadn’t even mentioned that to him. But if you’re like me at all, you want to go all the way and lay down all the cards. I know there are women on this forum who hate the idea of giving all the power to the man, but I think in this kind of a situation it doesn’t hurt telling him what you want, need and deserve. If he doesn’t want to step up, at least there’s nothing for you to have second thoughts on or feel like you didn’t say everything you wanted. Just be sure you are in a confident state of mind when you do it not to come across as desperate. Take your time to think of it all and to start believing you deserve happiness. When you get there, tell him what you want from your relationship. If he isn’t willing to provide, it’s his loss.
As for seeing the good in him, I totally get you! I actually told those very same words to my guy. But good isn’t enough. A man may really be a good person with lots of potential but if he isn’t willing/capable/ready to put all that into use and seriously invest in a relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t take it personally. It’s not your fault and it’s not in your hands to heal him.
Embrace your emotions now and let it all come out. Then start putting yourself first. You’re the star of your life, and if anyone needs to realize it, it’s you. It will get better, I promise. Lots of love!
Maria
Thank you Stefanie and safe travels! :)
I guess what really opened my eyes was finding ANM and reading other women’s stories. I’m not sure I can explain it but when you’re in a difficult relationship, it’s so easy to think your situation is unique, there’s something special about it, it’s worth fighting for etc. When I had the talk with the guy Sunday and he told me he wasn’t sure if he had anything to offer me, my reply was “See, that’s the thing I don’t get about you – why don’t you believe in yourself? I believe in you and I see the good in you.” At that point I really felt he was on the edge of letting go of his fears and my love would heal him. But then I started reading more and realized that’s what nurturing women ALWAYS say when a man says something like that (look up the Baggage Reclaim translations, they explain both what a man means and how a woman interprets it). At first I felt so stupid reading about what the guy had actually meant and how women respond in a situation like that. I couldn’t believe I had repeated one of the oldest relationship failure patterns in history. Then it started sinking in my case was not unique (I know this may sound harsh), the guy wasn’t an exception to the rule and love wasn’t going to conquer all. There are so many cases on ANM to prove that point. Of course I wanted to contribute back because since we are sharing experiences anyway, why not help each other not make the mistakes we have made? :)
talllady
Katie, over the last 3 days, there have been multiple posts on same topic, and if I an rude, then don’t read my input. Many women value my input just because it is direct.
buttercup
This was a very good post. Reminded me completely of myself and my last relationship.
I need to learn from this.
MB
I was in a similar situation. Broke it off on new year (ouch). Oh well. Thx for sharing your story. Well written too :).
Martha
Tall lady …. I suggest then if you are going to br rude do not input. Please lead by example especially as you value your own input so much. I think Maria’s post has been highly appreciated so please stop pissing in her wind. Well done Maria. Very proud of you.
talllady
She reposted her story and then added her news, that is why I posted again congratulating her. There have been a lot of multi posts lately. Feeling fiesty today and going to take out anyone who tries to shame my communication style. I am on these boards everyday and 90% of my feedback is I am helpful, so suck that haters!
talllady
Oh, and yes, I do value myself and my own input, that’s how it should be :-)
And maria, thanks for your learning’s!
Maria
Oh well, we all have our good and bad days. I just want to say talllady was one of the posters who helped me most and I thank her/you for it. Yes she’s direct but I think that’s a good thing. I suppose we can all get a little too accommodating advice from our friends who may be too close to help us open our eyes. I wouldn’t be posting here at all if I wasn’t looking for honest comments. Peace out everyone :)
talllady
Maria, thanks for the kind words, I love the new attitude!
Diane
Maria – I am divorced and trying to see a guy who is divorced too.
He told me he needs 2 years to decide whether he wants to be w someone or not, and I am to totally w him there… For those of is, once bitten twice shy…
3 months is too short for a guy to know… You are too pushy too soon
Lagirl
Maria
So happy for you. I started posting on these types of forums about 3 years ago and at the time I wanted to help other women because I went through a terrible 4 year relationship with a narcissist who abused me. I got out, saw the light, healed and healed a great deal by feeling as if I could pass on my experience to help other women avoid unhealthy situations.I hope you stay on and continue to share your support with others.
Diane, no a few months is not too early. Not for a man who is emotionally available. My husband proposed to me in 3 months and we married at 10 months. I refused to live with a man without being engaged/married and by establishing my boundaries and respecting myself, I weeded out the unavailable men and found one who was on the same page …
Men DO know very quickly if you are the one. Waiting around 2 years for a man to decide he wants a relationship is risky, at best. A lot can happen over that amount of time and after two years you may not even be the personhe decides to be with. I would not put my life on hold and hope someone finally becomes available to me. The approach most your advantage is this: Go about living your life and dating. If you are still available once he is ready for a relationship, great! But if not, it’s his loss.
Timing plays a. If part in successs of relationships. Both people have to be in the right place with themselves in order to make it work.
talllady
To add to what LA said – I am not sure if a man knows early if he wants to marry you, that, in general does take about 1-2 years and no more. But, at 2-3 months he knows if he wants to explore more…. There is a difference. But, that is not lukewarm, it is actions and words matching and building a life together – knowing friends, touching base, engaging…. Growing and connecting
Diane
That I agree with.. He knows in 2-3 months whether he wants potential
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