How I finally realized he is emotionally unavailable

Big hugs to you too, Maria. You have been a source of strength and comfort to me, and I’m glad to tumble on your post.

I’ve been feeling insecure since he ‘ghosted’ on me the first time for two whole months. I’ve heard him mentioning his ‘old flame’ a few times (which was what he uses to describe his ex) to his friends and made a comment how brightly she once shone before. I’ve cut off contact completely after accepting the fact that he hasn’t gotten over her, but he came back for me after a few months. We did have a talk about it and I decided to give it another chance. He became really sweet and nice (but still disappears for a period of time) but now he has been acting distant again, and spend his time on the internet while sporadically keeping in touch with a couple of messages saying he’s been busy or that he was so sick (but had the time to be on social network). I’m basically tired of it, and whenever I bring up the subject, he just vaguely state that he’s busy or something terrible happened (but no details again) etc.

I agree with you, Maria. I have done what I could and said what needed to be said. Explained that I didn’t mean that I wanted to part ways, but I really want to address these issues because it’s making me really sad and I really wished to make our relationship work. However, all I’ve got was silence in return.

You’re right. As of now, I’m going to leave it to him and continue with my life.

Hi,

Stumbled upon this site looking for some answers and WOW Maria, your post really got to me! It sums up my current situation so well, so I hope you don’t mind if I hijack the thread a bit..your text has really given me some insight I needed!

I was seeing a guy for 7 months and he ended it last week. It is still so raw and at the moment all I do is cry and want him back..I know I shouldn’t, but I guess I just have to let the feelings out.

Anyway, when we met, it all sounded so good. We had both been single for over two years and were ready for something serious. We were so alike in interests, background, you name it..Since we had both been hurt (me very badly) previously we took it slow, dated once a week the first couple of months. He was always very reserved, never gave me compliments or showed much emotion, but for me that was a nice break from what I’m used to. I just thought that was the way he was and was secure in the fact that he always initiated the dates. Then after 4 months, I asked him where we stood. I didn’t want to waste my time and was prepared to break it off if he could not give me a sense of us heading in the right direction. Now, warning 1: he said it was too early to define. He didn’t know if he wanted a relationship. And I BOUGHT IT! I thought that was reasonable. So I cried and asked if we were at least dating exclusively and he said “of course”. Then it continued as usual for a few weeks, until one of my closest friends died. I called him to chat as I was upset and he asked me why I was calling him as he, in his words, “couldn’t engage emotionally with what I was feeling”. Warning two! I got so close to breaking up with him, but then I PITIED HIM! I thought, poor guy, he can’t emotionally connect. I’ll help him, I’ll give him all of me. This happened a few times (me being upset, wanting to talk, him saying he couldn’t be my support) and every time I just developed more and more feelings for him. I was going to get him to open up. Not once (as insane at it sounds) did I question his feelings for me!
Anyway, he kept giving me reasons to break up with him (disappearing for days, not really listening, being extremely distant emotionally even when we were together) so last week when we were supposed to meet and he cancelled on me to go to the gym, I couldn’t take it any more. I wrote him a letter with ALL my feelings. I said I needed more and that I would HELP HIM give that to me. I gave constructive advice. I told him how often to contact me. I asked him if there was something in his background or genes that caused him to be so withdrawn (hinting at aspergers which I know his brother has). I wanted his reaction to be that he felt closer to me, that he now understood what I wanted and that he would try harder. I expected his reaction to be anger for accusing him of being cold towards me but I could not for the life of me see the real reaction coming. He bought dinner and came over to my place (oh he’s being romantic I thought!) we sat down and he said:
1: I was right, he didn’t show enough emotion or commitment towards me
2: I was wrong, he is fully capable of being loving
3: The reason he was so withdrawn and unloving was his feelings for me aren’t that strong

I was blindsided and shocked. Not ONCE did I question his feelings for me. And I feel so so stupid. Looking back now, I can’t believe I didn’t end it after the first month. I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs. I can’t believe I wasted my time for so long. I am nearing thirty and have been through this before and was so sure I had learned my lesson. I guess that is what hurts the most: that I let myself down! That I let him treat me the way he did. I am so humiliated.

Sorry this is so long, hope someone had the energy to read it. Anyway, I was so relieved to read that I’m not alone in not seeing the signs, even when they’re right in front of you. I also hope to feel as strong as you soon Maria! Thank you.

Wow everyone what a great thread . Looks like you have hit the nail on the head Maria. A lot of women have related and I am one of them. It is amazing how women can justify bad behaviour from others. We really do devalue ourselves sometime.
Tallady I think you should take a chill pill. Having to be right all the time is just not that important in life.

Elisabeth.. holy COW girl! Let’s celebrate you getting away from that one and seeing the light too!! Don’t be so hard on yourself. You know now and that’s what counts. Hell, I’m a lot older than you and I just “got” men within the past few months.

Wow, it’s amazing to hear so many of you actually can relate to my story! Even though your stories are sad and I feel your pain 100%, the fact that we understand each other and have found a place to let it all out brings a big smile on my face :) Great job ladies!

Devon and Elisabeth, after my eyes were opened I felt really stupid too. But I guess the thing that made me get over all the BS I had been through was that, well, first I took a good look at what had happened and what I could have done differently, and then I FORGAVE MYSELF. There’s absolutely no point in banging your head against the wall and blaming yourself. You did what you did and it’s in the past now. Instead of dwelling in self-pity (dirty word, I know), I put together a list of what I want in the future. What qualities are important to me in a man, how I want a relationship to develop, has there been a relationship pattern in my life that I could break now etc. I’ve suspected for quite some time I tend to go for emotionally unavailable men. This wasn’t the first time. But now I see it and feel ready to break that cycle. Normally I’m a very future- and goal-oriented person and do not dwell in the past, so at least for me getting prepared for what’s next helps a lot. And doing exercise too. Whatever you need to do to take the situation from this single guy things have gone bust with to a more abstract level that is focused on YOU, do it.

Oh and guess what – the guy texted me yesterday. He said I was a very special woman in his life and he can’t believe he couldn’t make himself commit. He said he was still processing it all and thinks that maybe someday he will be ready and we can make it work. My thoughts were yup, I know I’m special but if you can’t lock me down at 3 months and commit in a serious way, I’m not going to stick around and wait for you. I don’t even think he meant it. He probably just wanted me to say I still had feelings for him to feed his macho ego. I didn’t reply at all.

What’s on today’s menu, Newbie? Whatever it is, just stay strong…

Maria I’m not surprised he texted and I’m glad you didn’t answer. It doesn’t deserve an answer. That BS is a day late and a dollar short.

Devon, wow our cases really are like identical! :) I also got on Tinder, maybe not so much to really look for someone new but to keep myself busy. Who knows, maybe something interesting come out of it.

I think our guys definitely are not in the position to make up their minds yet. Mine is still a friend of mine on Facebook and I just saw he’s listening to breakup songs on Spotify (his Spotify is linked to his Facebook, so that showed up in my news feed). Like with your guy, I don’t doubt his feelings for me. But if he’s not ready, he’s not ready, and that won’t change in a few days or weeks. I know this is hard for him. In the past I’ve had a couple of guys I left come back to me, one did after around 6 months, the other after a year. I would be lying if I said I had zero feelings for this guy at the moment. But 1) I know I want a serious relationship, 2) I see very clearly he’s not ready for it, and 3) I’m not willing to wait for months or years to get his crap together.

So what this whole experience has taught me and why I posted in the first place is that for your own happiness the most important thing you can do with emotionally unavailable guys is just to let go. Let go of the hurt, let go of torturing yourself, let go of hoping and waiting. Your guy and mine have more or less clearly told us they can’t give us what we want. So we need to move on. When that really, really sinks in for you, like it sank in for me earlier this week, you will do yourself a great favor. There’s nothing this kind of men can bring into the table to enhance your happiness, and if you accept it and string along, you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak. Big time! What helped me a lot was that instead of dwelling in how much he had hurt me, I adopted a mindset of thanking him. He had shown through actions and words he had nothing to offer me. He didn’t string me along. Of course I never thanked him in person but every time my mind wanders around to him, I thank him. And then I think his marriage probably ended because he cheated (just my guess) and I dodged a bullet :) Do whatever it takes to move on!

Honestly I don’t think you keeping in touch with him at all at this point is a good idea. Maybe you could tell him you both need total NC to sort things out. Tell him he knows what you want and where to find you, and if he finds it in himself to give that to you, he’s free to get back in touch. But make sure he knows you won’t sit around waiting for him. At the same time, expect nothing from him and start moving on. To be sure, moving on isn’t about finding another guy, it’s about letting go of the previous one. Love and hugs, you’ll get there Devon!

WOW…what a wonderful thread this is…..I absolutely enjoyed reading it. I agree with LaGirl….I was with a guy for two 1/2 yrs….on and off relationship….non committal….I think he was still in love with his ex wife….finally met someone who adores me…wants a future with me….AND yes…after a few months…we starting talking about marriage. Good Job Maria….I have definitely been there….but it took me three years to realize he was not emotionally available.

Hi Suave,

I can’t say that there was a sudden change..this guy was extremely reserved and a bit socially awkward, so he struck me as the complete opposite of a player. We were never full-on, we would see each other once or twice a week and he hated texting, so it was common to go 2-3 days without any communication. He behaved this way towards friends as well. However, after Christmas he changed jobs and threw himself at it. That’s when I did notice a change in his attitude, he would still reach out but he was so distant. He didn’t ask any questions and spoke to me like I was a colleague. He couldn’t see me because he wanted to stick with his schedule, which was work, gym, dinner, work..This is probably where I should have withdrawn a bit, but instead I confronted him as I needed to know, after 8 months, where we stood.
When I last saw him, he seemed so chatty, calm and relaxed..I guess that’s because he had made his mind up? He said that my feelings were so much stronger than his and that he needed time to think. It was strange, because he had never shown so much emotion before. He cried and held me so tight. It felt like a goodbye, but he kept insisting that he wanted to stay in touch.
I’m just so confused. I want to move on and leave this guy behind, but I have such a strong urge to understand his behavior..How do you girls move on with all the thoughts and questions in your heads?

Hi Elizabeth,

Thanks for updating your story, this is exactly what I wanted – to have an open discussion with other women in the same situation!

I think it’s safe to say I know exactly how you feel now. My guy also said he saw this as a break and wanted to follow up later on (with no set timeline) to see if we both were still interested. The best advice I got was from my Dad who simply said well, a real, growing relationship is either on of off. There are no shades of grey and you shouldn’t settle for it. It IS really puzzling to try to figure out why someone would be with you and possibly act like your BF for the most part but would still not be in it 100%. I think what you need to do is to first take a good look at what you want. A real relationship with potential to develop into marriage, right? Well, this guy isn’t giving it to you. There’s something holding him back, it might be past experiences, it might be simple fear of commitment, maybe he isn’t in the position to be in that kind of a relationship right now, maybe you’re not the one for him. Don’t wear yourself out trying to figure out what it is. The fact is he is not ready, he is not emotionally available. Just accept that and move on. I know it’s hard for you to let go but you need to put yourself and your needs first. Waiting for him is no good – if he has serious issues, it might take years and lots of councelling to get his head sorted out. Do you want to be strung along for X amount of time? That is not treating you as the prize, it’s treating you as an option and placeholder. As Suave said, a man who truly wants to be with you 100% will show it. Don’t wait around for someone who might never do that and miss meeting the right guy for you.

I actually just came across a sad example of an emotionally unavailable guy who has apparently been stringing his GF along for about 2 years. I thought they were perfectly happy, he’s always spending time with her family and she’s never questioned their relationship. But, I was just swiping Tinder like there’s no tomorrow and guess what, the guy popped up. I couldn’t believe it. However the fact is there are men like that out there. Maybe they’re too insecure to be alone, maybe they truly enjoy their quasi-relationships but they are NOT giving 100% of themselves. Emotionally unavailable, simple as that. Don’t end up being that girl.

Oh and my guy also got very emotional and open when I said I wanted us both to be either all in or not together at all. I think only then he realized he could lose me and he would have to commit to keep me. At first I thought it was great and we finally shared that deep bond a true relationship requires. But the fact is he didn’t step up and put in the effort I needed from him. I think that tells the whole story. Your guy didn’t step up either, so instead of focusing how emotional and open he might have been in the end, take a good look how he acted. No stepping up means not ready. It hurts to see this but that’s what you need to do to move on. Strength and love, Elizabeth!

Hi Elisabeth,
The answer to your question is everywhere on this forum. He probably liked you to be around, but he doesn’t see you as a future gf or wife. You can read it everywhere: when a guy says he is not ready for a relationship, it os his nice way of saying, he doesn’t want one with you. And he won’t change his mind. In your case he actually said je didn’t have that much feelings for you, so that’s pretty clear cut. Take also the fact that when you asked for emotional support, he not only didn’t give it, but he got mad about it. Amd you pitied him. So, its really done, cut off al contact and go do things you enjoy to do