How I finally realized he is emotionally unavailable

Just a thought ladies….I was just wondering if the reason we stick around with these emotionally unavailable guys is because we are addicted to them…..then when they don’t want to be with us… We go into withdrawals and miss them so much. It’s like we are addicted to a drug….that’s why I think it took me a long time to finally let my ex bf go…..very interesting. But I learned a big lesson….Never Go With A Guy That does not show that is emotional available. I know about that now…..

I find this so amazing! I don’t know any of you, we are probably spread out all over the world, but I come on here with my issues and get the most fantastic, wonderful response and help. Thank you thank you thank you ladies. Isn’t this so much better than talking to friends and family who just tell you you’re the best and the guy’s an idiot?

You’re all right, we need to stop focusing on the ”why”, what has happened has happened. I must accept his decision, although it’s hard. However, the worst thing and the thing I can’t accept at the moment is that I was so wrong about him! That I completely misjudged someone and fooled myself in the process. That hurts so damn much.

What your dad said is great Maria! It’s so basic that you should focus on your own wants and needs, but I think part of the problem I have (and perhaps some of you others as well?) is that I’m so scared of never finding that person who is willing to commit..That thought really scares the hell out of me! I feel stressed and old, even though I know I shouldn’t.

It sounds like some of you have also had this pattern of falling for the same type of guy..I never see that they are the same type until it’s over, so I’m wondering how to break that habit..I mean, I thought I had broken the habit this time! So how do we make sure it doesn’t happen again?

I’m gonna go listen to that Rush song now..

And ouch Newbie, that hurt but it was probably what I needed to hear.

11….respects your wishes when you say NO.

Better late than never Suave ! it took me getting 2 rejection tons in the space of 7 mths…Both guys from my pat life yrs ago
..One I was engaged to
..to start figuring out this dating/relationship lark !

Maria… :'(

I feel like crying now..

I met this guy online just last year but i initially didn’t have any interest in him at all until he told me that he’s coming here and that he will take me out when he does, only after a month of chatting. We’re literally thouwof miles apart. I didn’t think t it was all for real until one afternoon he called me directly telling me that he’s finally here. He’s only allowed to spend 5 days because of his job overseas and i didn’t get to see him on his first day cause i had to go to work. When i saw him the first time, i knew everything was just perfect and he was such a gentleman which i never expected. We literally spent the entire remaining 4 days together, most of the time just locked up in the hotel room cuddling and having real good conversations. I know it sounds really crazy because it’s just the first time that we really met. I just also wanna add that he didn’t force me into having sex with him during those days. And he also told me that he likes me but he’s not into long distance relationships anymore. At that time, he just explained that it’s because he’ll just be frustrated if he can’t be with his girlfriend due to the distance.

So he already left but even after that, we continued talking everyday through chats and phone calls. His personality and just pretty mucheverything about him made me realize that he’s already the best guy that I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen anyone so goal orientedand very disciplined until i met him.

We had a big argument one time after i told him that i like him over the phone.He said he feela the same way but he just cant be in a long-distance relationship anymore. He just cant do it and if i make him feel pressured abt it, he will just quit talking to me.

We continued talking on a daily basis while im making sure that i don’t mention my feelings anymore. And things just went fine. He even told me that he filed for another vacation but it wont be until after a few months. He said he had a really really good time with me the first time and so he wanted to see me again. So he called on the new year’s eve and told me that he should be here in a week or two. And so we spent another 5 days together and everything is just magical and perfect. I finally realized that im already inlove with this guy but i didn’t tell him, i couldn’t do it because of the fear that he might leave me forever. There was a time that he told me that he hasnt dated nor kissed anyone ever since we met. I did the same thibg too over the past months, im only focused on him. We had this relationship conversation again, this time we’re not fighting anymore and that’s the time he disclosed to me that he still have some feelings for his ex and that happened to be a LDR too. They broke up a year ago, didn’t have any more communication since then but he said he still loves her and thinks that she’ll probably end up with her. Obviously i was torn to pieces because of this shocking discovery and so i cried in front of him, still being silent about my real feelings.

He bought me gifts, tells me that im one of the best girls that he met every now and then, and that my future is very important to him so he started helping me. I quit my job a month ago and proceeded with studying again to get my certification this May.

He already left for the second time and before he did, he said he’s uncertain if he can still come back because he needs to move to another country in a few months and proceed with his fighting career while working. We still talk on a daily basis.I realized how mmuch he inspires me and that i am really inlove with thia guy. I also realized that i cant let him go because of the mindset that he’s already the best ever and that once im prepared to leave my country too, i would most likely follow him wherever he is. I know that i also have my own life and career to pursue but i also know that this guy is just really who i want and need and love. Not everyone connects the same way and there was an amazing spark between us that i just can’t seem to let go.and that spark never died since the first day.

I probably already know that I’m being too blind. I guess i need someone’s help To open my eyes. :'(

Thanks Maria, hope to hear from you back. :)

Allie dear,

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please create your own thread with your own story so it doesn’t get confusing with Maria’s, and everyone else has chance to chime in and give you some great advice. Hugs.

Thank you Stefanie, that is a great post! Another thing I’d like to add is that we must be better at sticking to our needs and wants. I am so guilty of adapting my needs to suit the guy: I know what I want to begin with, then when he does not live up to it, I lower my expectations. No one can ever be 100% according to your criteria, but if they don’t fulfill the basics they’re not worth pursuing anymore. I’ll try to remember this!

Maria
You rock!