Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › How Long Do Guys Need Space?
- This topic has 17 replies and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Emma.
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AH
I started talking to a guy a little over 3 weeks ago. We are in different states, so after talking for a while, he made the decision to fly to meet me. The weekend went really well, besides one night where I was drinking and started asking questions about his ex. It initially really bothered him, but the next day we were both over it. When it was time for him to go, he asked me to keep driving around so he didn’t have to go to the airport as soon, kept saying “this is gonna suck”, said he wished we could just cuddle all day, said he would miss me, that he wanted to keep talking, promised not to ghost, and said if things go well, he would want me to come visit him in his state.
However, a couple of nights ago, we were talking and I think the convo was a little too deep for him. Something seemed off, so I asked if he was still interested in me. He said “I do like you, but I don’t wanna rush anything.” Which I already knew, and agreed again that I didn’t want to rush things. He then asked how I felt about things and I said exactly what he said. That I liked him, but was in no hurry; that I wanted to keep talking to see where things went. I continued to ask more questions about feelings, the future, etc. After hours without a response, I sent a couple of question marks to him. I think it really annoyed him, as he was probably taking necessary time to process things before replying. He then responded by saying, “I agree with you, I apologize if i’m being distant. I just feel smothered too much with questions and I feel like i’m walking on thin ice with everything I text you. It sucks, we are trying to get to know each other but are barely making it as friends”… I immediately took this as a negative response, when in reality, he was just being open with his feelings and was probably seeking my acknowledgement and understanding. I responded by saying the wrong thing, which was along the lines of, “my goal is to get to know you as a friend, let’s just not talk about feelings until we meet.” I know that I didn’t really address the issue, and I do feel bad about that. I should have paid more attention to his feelings. My last text to him was “Would you like to continue communication? I definitely do, but I am going to back off.” I had the thread open and could see the bubbles indicating that he was responding. Then he just stopped. And I never received anything. Everyone is telling me he just needs space, that his feelings haven’t changed, and that he is taking this time to process. I don’t think he has ghosted, as he still has me as a friend on Snapchat. I have not reached out, because if he needs space, I want to give him that. The thing is though, he never directly said, “I need space”. I wish he would have been up front if that’s what he was needing versus starting to respond to a text then just stopping. This was all on Monday night. It’s weird that I haven’t heard from him, as he is typically so communicative. I can see that he’s been active on Snapchat, so I know he has his phone. I’m glad he has his phone and is okay, I just get a little bothered that he’s so active on Snapchat but hasn’t responded to my text from Monday night.
What are everyone’s thoughts? Does he just need space? And if so, for how long? I ask because my time is valuable and I don’t want to wait around forever, yet I want him to have adequate time to process things, if that is what he’s doing.
BeckyThe texting was over the top. You were at the very start of getting to know him and you asked him in depth questions and on top of it, it was through texts. I would move on to someone else and I would stop the excessive texting before you’ve met or stop the excessive texting altogether
AHThanks, Becky. I know that it was too much, I just felt like I was following his lead, as he asked me directly “What are you feeling? Tell me your thoughts about us.” I just hope I didn’t push him away. And if he doesn’t plan to return, I hope he tells me that.
LaneTexting is the DEVIL!!!
First, texting is the LOWEST form of communication because you don’t have the VERBAL (inflection, tone) and NON VERBAL (body language) to determine the other person’s true state of mind. When you were talking about his ex and saw he was ‘uncomfortable’ about it, it was your CUE to stop asking because you were able to notice it; with texting you do not receive these cues and unable to stop when you should.
Second, he was practically screaming that he was uncomfortable with the intense questions you were asking yet you kept drilling him. Why? Why do you feel the need to interrogate someone you hardly know? Do you do this with people you recently meet? Are you overly intense in your conversations with people?
Third, getting to know someone should be light, airy, with a touch of fun thrown in such as “what’s your favorite hobby?” and then discuss it a bit; “what was your favorite childhood memory>” and discuss one of yours; “If you were a car what car would you be?”…questions that actually have more to do with ‘getting to know each other’ v. conversing about a man’s “feelings” which is kryptonite to men—they are NOT WOMEN and don’t like talking about that stuff, sports/work yes, feelings NO until they are ready and bring it up themselves—until then you behave like Switzerland (neutral).
Lastly, I believe he’s getting ready to pull the plug. He’s had to warn you on at least two occasions that he’s not comfortable with your questions and when you have this kind of issue so early in the ‘getting to know you process’ it doesn’t bode well. I suggest you stop seeking men outside of your local vicinity; stop using texts to communicate; and spend more time getting to know someone IN PERSON so you can properly judge when someone’s feeling uncomfortable with your questions so you can change the subject before they run away.
AHThanks for the response, Lane! I appreciate it. I agree, texting is a horrible way to effectively communicate, however, during the convo I asked if I could just call instead of text and he said no.
I think I kept pressing because I let my anxious mind take over. I should have taken a step back and really listened to what he was saying. No, my typical day-to-day convos are not this intense, haha.
tammyI think he was initially quite into things. hence he travelled the distance to meet. but instead of keeping things mostly light and funny and fun, and not too probing, you dived right in. despite him cautioning you. you were being too probing and inquisitive and heavy and serious and that has put him off. please now in your quest for that closure do not text him. just think of this as over. and take that last of his and non response to yours as the end. do not no matter how tempted your are send even one more message. try putting this behind but learn your lessons from this.
if you leave him alone, and give him space and time to think over, who knows you may just get another chance. either which way, at this point, you really really have no option but to accept this as over.
tammyAH what happened wasn’t funny. you lost a potential boyfriend you know just bec you got too anxious. please take this as a lesson learnt for future. and like I said before, do not contact him at all. even if you feel super anxious.
anonIn my opinion, you two aren’t compatible. There are men and women who like discussing feelings and there are men and women who DO NOT go there.
If you need to deep dive into people to want/feel comfortable dating them, you need to find someone who will go there. They exist. If this guy thinks dating is 2 years of talking about football, the weather and making out, he is the wrong one for you. Doesn’t make either of you wrong.
NewbieI think i sort of did what you did with my bf. Looking back he must have been exhausted lol.
Relationship need to develop in a natural flow, excessive talking may bond a girl to a guy, but in most cases not the other way around. Also it takes guys time to trust and disclose. Its very unwise to force this.
In reality you had one date and he pretty much blew you off now saying talking is too much walking on thin ice with you. So i would back off totally. I dont think he is the guy that likes texting this much anyway. Guys giving space means, you go focus on other things. If he decides to reach out, you can decide. If it takes him more than a week, i would say he is goneAHRight, I totally agree. Some things I did not mention were how HE actually brought up this stuff VERY early on. Actually, he was on a dating app for ONE day, met me, and uninstalled the app after that. He texted me after 2 weeks just saying he was sooo excited to see what the future held for us, couldn’t wait til we lived in the same place together, even asked if I would consider living with him, asked if I felt the same way (ALL prior to meeting, btw). So when I say I was taking his lead…I mean, I was taking his lead. The questions had already been asked on his end, and I was finally to the point, after meeting, where I felt comfortable revisiting them.
AHThanks, Newbie! I appreciate your response. Yes, we did only meet once, but he was here for 3 nights and we spent all of those days together getting to know each other. And yes, most guys don’t like texting too much, but he actually told me he preferred it. But yes, I’m sure some of it was totally exhausting!
NewbieThats the classic smooth future talker Ah and the type to be most wary off, together with guys who come on strong sexually. General thumb of rule: dont take anything a guy says serious in the first month
AHThanks, anon. He actually disclosed to me early on that he’s an emotional dude. For example, he got into a car accident and I was the first he called, crying. Then called a second time, crying. He’s emotional, he’s honest even if it’s not what I want to hear, he openly discusses his feelings with me, and he wants to know what’s on my mind. But yes, I totally agree with what you’re saying.
KhadijaI think you pushed too hard and he warned you to back off a bit.
For so me reason you didn’t take the hint and he seems to have pulled the plug.
I understand you wanted to get to know him but, you wanted too much too soon.
Also, leave the texting alone you went overkill on that. The best way to talk is in person or over the phone.
Hopefully you learn a lesson because if you don’t you repeat this cycle.
RavenLearn to breathe & count to 100 before pressing ‘send’
AndreaYes, your texting and question asking was over the top, but I think something else is also going on. The fact at that he was suggesting living together and bringing up your futures even before meeting sounds like he was lovebombing you. No man knows that early (before meeting and getting to know you) whether he wants those things with a woman. Did he try to sleep with you and if so, did you give in?
kayeThe more you tell us the crazier this sounds!! Getting off a dating app after one day when you just started talking, talking about moving in together before you even met, crying to you about a car accident…this is not normal behavior!! And not only do you not see these red flags waving at you but you let the guy come fly to see you and have a 3 day long date! This guy was love bombing you and building up these crazy fantasies before he even met you. Then he meets you, go back home and all the sudden he’s not wanting to rush things, being distant, and saying how you’re barely even making it as friends. You need to RUN not walk away from this guy. I agree it’s crazy to be talking about feelings after only 3 weeks and meeting once but it sounds like you were just following his crazy over the top lead. He’s called a future faker. He drags you in with all this to get you to let your guard down and get into your pants and I’m betting it worked.
You need to give this guy permanent space.
EmmaI am with kaye 100% and I can’t believe others didn’t pick up o those things.
Long distance, ladies, long distance! Ask yourself why would a guy “just start talking” to a woman long distance? Why even do a “search” or if you notice a person’s location when their profile shows up, why start ANYTHING? How can a “natural” relationship possibly develop?
Men get easy guaranteed sex with these LD stunts. So you text to a woman for 3 weeks and then spend some dough on a flight. But you get 2-3 days of sex. Then you start to fade out or find excuses to find “problems”. How do you not see that?
And in addition all those crying, moving in together before you even saw each other…why did you not think that it is ODD and ABNORMAL to do such things?
Not everyone is a scoundrel but use your logical rational mind and ask yourself WHY? why not “talk” to someone local?
Take this “damage” as a huge lesson and move on.
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