Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › How long should I trust this situationship….
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Liz Lemon.
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Anon
So I’m seeing an ex-boyfriend from my past who is married. When we started talking the end of July 2020 he told be his situation was complicated..says he’s separated but still living with his wife. I’m beginning to feel like a fool who’s wasting her time. He also seems to have trust issues which is odd given what I just stated above about his current situation. He’s previously made comments when my phone rings and its late and if I bring up anything related to my ex-fiance, he’ll ask whether I’m over him, which I am. He’s since stopped making jealous comments. He tells me that he’s gotta have me, keep me for good and wants to marry me. When we have sex he’s fine with getting me pregnant. I told him, I’d prefer for him to be divorced before that happens. I asked, what if your wife finds out if I were to get pregnant…he says, “so what, it’s over”. He’s showed me documentation for the start of the process for going through a divorce out-of-court and says his plan is to find a townhouse to rent. He’s been looking for a place to move as of this month to move for January 2021. Hoping to move to a place close enough so he can still be near his daughter. He also says the divorce shouldn’t take more than a few months…
Does all of this sound ridiculous…am I really a fool for halfway believing any of the stuff he’s telling me. It somewhat is beginning to seem manipulative and controlling. Maybe I’m off the mark. Any thoughts would be appreciated as I’m at a loss and tired of feeling like a mistress. He could be telling me anything as I don’t know exactly where he lives…because of this, I feel weird whenever he talks about his house and am in the blind, only able to go by what he’s telling me.
Raven
He’s married & You don’t know where he lives. He sounds like a dream come true…
Lane
He’s a mess and you are embroiling yourself in a mess.
I would stay clear of this man.
First, they are still entangled and it takes awhile to ‘untangled’ especially when there is a kid involved.
Second, there IS a kid involved! This child is going through some trauma, especially when her daddy leaves and doesn’t understand these adult complexities. It’s going to be hard enough on her watching her parents marriage dissolve, don’t add more stress.
Third, divorce sucks. There’s no such thing as an “out of court” divorce, especially when a child is involved. Divorce is a legal matter that involves the Court and a Judge so he’s yanking your chain. Parties can do a self-help divorce but if they have no legal training then they are going to have a difficult time obtaining a Divorce Decree as there are a lot of statutes (laws) involved when it comes to children, property, assets, etc. that will need to be signed off by a Judge. I worked in Family Law and it’s not as simple as he’s making it out to be.
Fourth, he is missing the companionship element because he hasn’t been alone for a long time so he’s just using you as a band-aid to fill a void. Trust me, in two to three months you’re going to start hearing the excuses, such as “the divorce is harder than I thought”; I need to time to get settled”; I’m not as ready as I thought I was….”; “I need some time to…..” yada, yada, yada.
Lastly, NEVER be the rebound girl! Rebounders always get burned.
Elvira
Hi Anon
I agree with the others that this is a mess you should not be in the middle of it. For him to be looking to be another relationship before his divorce is final, speaks volume of him being afraid to be alone. He is still married and going through a divorce which is an emotional rollercoaster that he should ride with his wife not another woman. You are there to hold his hand and support a man who isn’t able to leave one relationship without already being in another. How long were they married and when did they decide to get a divorce? Of course he has trust issues because he doesn’t want you to leave him while he is still trying to change his situation and decide what he really wants.
A friend of mine was dating a man who was separated, they did not divorce because of financial and benefit reasons according to him. She dated him for almost 2 years still with the same story, despite her asking show me the divorce papers. Later she found out not only was he still sleeping with the wife and she had no intentions of divorcing him but he was also sleeping with a mistress and my friend. When she first told me she was seeing him I told her if you want him as a rebound because she was going through a breakup then go ahead but do not get emotionally attached. Of course she did once they got intimate and once again her heart was broken. Obviously you have already become attached to this man and are looking down a road with no clear path, that is already a huge red flag. Why start a relationship on such shaky ground? If he wants to be with you he will wait until his divorce is final and give you a real and respectful relationship.Liz Lemon
” When we have sex he’s fine with getting me pregnant. I told him, I’d prefer for him to be divorced before that happens.”
Whoa nelly! You realize what a huge red flag that is? Not only on his part, but on yours? You should be taking precautions so that this married man (who still lives with his wife and already has a child) does not get you pregnant! Why would you be okay with a married man saying he’d be fine with getting you pregnant when he can’t even get it together to move out and divorce his wife? He’s married and still lives with her!
Other than that, I completely agree one hundred percent with what Elvira said. Please read over what she wrote and think hard about it.
Liz Lemon
Oh and you don’t even know where he lives, but you are okay with him possibly getting you pregnant? WTF, girl! I am not trying to be hurtful but I’m speaking somewhat harshly to hopefully wake you up. This is a VERY messed up situation and I hope you walk away.
Carol
Ok this is what you tell him, ‘when you have your own place, try giving me a call, until then bye:)’
Elvira
Anon you posted about this in the beginning of Nov. as well, asking the same question. Not sure what it is you want to hear!
Liz Lemon
I found your other post from early November that Elvira mentioned. You gave *a lot* less detail in that post. You didn’t mention that you don’t know where he lives, or that he has a child, or that he is fine with you getting pregnant (meaning he is not being responsible and taking precautions). It’s hard for people here to give good advice if we don’t have the big picture.
The fact that you’ve posted questioning whether this guy is trustworthy twice in less than two months should tell you something. Your gut is telling you something! Listen to it, and listen to the advice given in this thread. You know something is off, or else you would not keep asking.
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