Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How should I go about this…?
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Bella
I’ve recently met a guy online, we went on 4 dates in the last 3 weeks, nice dates, easy to be around, I liked him.
In his profile he wrote that he’s looking for a long term partner but is highly unlikely he will ever remarry.
So, since I’m dating with the intent of getting married, I brought it up on our last date.
He confirmed that is the case, but if he finds someone compatible, that he really trusts, he might remarry after 3 to 5 years with a prenup agreement.
He said he’s still resentful over his divorced even though it was almost 6 years ago, and he feels like he was burnt(he has a son that he pays child support).He is 42, I’m 45, I’ve been married once, no kids.
I told him I’m dating with the intent of getting married and if I find someone compatible I wouldn’t put a timeline on when to get married and that I definitely don’t have 3 to 5 years to waste on a relationship that goes nowhere, playing house with no commitment.Did I bring it up too early, the marriage issue?
How should I go about it without being abrupt, when asking men what they are looking for in dating?
I would appreciate your input! :)Raven
This guy is resentful that he has to support his child?!
Bella
He did say that he feels like he got screwed because he’s paying child support and he doesn’t even get to see his son a lot(only one day a week.
Liz Lemon
I think 4 dates in is a bit soon to put a lot of pressure on a topic like marriage. The guy has indicated that he’s open to remarrying. He may change his mind about the timeline if he finds someone he’s really comfortable with and really trusts, but honestly 3-5 years doesn’t sound super unreasonable to me personally. How long ago was he divorced? If it was fairly recent, I totally understand why he needs time.
Divorced guys that had contentious divorces, especially ones with children, are often hesitant to remarry again (if you read articles about dating divorced dads, you will see this mentioned often- it’s not uncommon for them to want to move at a slow pace). It’s not just dealing with the divorce, it’s dealing with single parenting, balancing their relationship and their kids, and the fact that a remarriage will mean creating a new family- there’s a lot involved. So I actually think this guy’s timeline is reasonable.
I can understand your situation because when I met my bf, he had it written in his dating profile that he did not want to remarry. (He had a very contentious divorce with his ex and has a young child with her). I wasn’t (and am not) bothered about marrying again, so it didn’t hinder my interest. We’ve been together 4 years now and my bf actually DOES want to remarry– he just had to find someone he could trust and feel comfortable with….it takes time to build up that level of trust when you’ve been burned once. We aren’t in a hurry, my son is a college student so I’d like him to finish college and get settled on his own before I think of marrying. So the pace works for us.
What sort of timeline do you expect for marriage? Just curious. You’re not planning to have children at age 45, I assume, so what’s the rush?
To answer your questions– I think it’s fine to bring up the marriage issue if it’s important to you. This guy has given you an honest answer. You know he’s open to remarriage at the very least. He *may* change his mind about the timeline, but he may not. You never know what will happen. A guy could tell you he wants to marry within a year, it doesn’t mean it will necessarily happen, or work out if it does happen.
If you like the guy and want to try to build a relationship with him, you could date and see where he stands on the marriage topic in a year or so. See if his feelings about it have changed. There’s no guarantee they will, but there’s no guarantee you won’t wind up playing house with some other guy for a year or two, and not getting married in the end. This is just one of those things you can’t predict.
Liz Lemon
Oh sorry, just re-read that his divorce was 6 years ago, so never mind that question! It’s not super recent, then.
Raven
I’m still curious about him & his visitation & child support… In most cases these days most courts want both parents involved in the upbringing of the child… Unless something happened ?
Raven
It’s only been 3 weeks…
There is a lot you don’t know about this guy…mama
I can understand how tough it is right now… it’s only been 3 weeks, but you are looking for a relationship that will culminate in marriage so you don’t want to invest your time and affection in someone who is not on that page. I get it.
I feel like you need to go back to your own big picture about what you want and what you need. Does this guy fit what you’re looking for? This guy seems to be putting up some walls and disclaimers that don’t mesh with what you want, so you need to decide what to do.
If you are looking for a life match, maybe be a little more brutal with yourself when assessing whether this guy meets your idea of a good match. In my opinion, this is going to be an uphill battle for you to get what you want, so why pin all your hopes on this guy? It’s only been 3 weeks, so if he doesn’t match your needs, it’s okay to cut ties. You sound like an emotionally intelligent lady, so do what is best for you.
mama
Also, to be fair… If I had this conversation with my fiancé 3 weeks into us dating, he would have run for the hills. (We are both a bit older than you.) A year into our relationship we started talking about marriage and neither of us was sure if that was what we wanted. I think I wanted it more than him but I backed off completely because it needed to be something he wanted as well. After some time I told him he is an amazing guy and I wanted to be married to him. And if we weren’t going to look at marriage as a real possibility, I needed to move on. He sat with that for a LONG TIME. Probably a year. Now we are engaged. He said he really didn’t consider marriage until me, and over time he realized we are a team and couldn’t see life without me.
All of that took a lot longer than 3 weeks. ;)
Liz Lemon
Beautifully put, mama!
Maddie
There’s nothing wrong with asking this question early once you’re older as long as it’s depersonalize — discussing relationship goals you have with the right person, seeing if they are on the same page about what they want (in your 40s, you should both have an idea of what you want without games, hopefully, because you’ve had life experience and time to think about it), and then that’s it for a while. The reason that’s it is because, beyond discussing and sharing values and where you’re both at generally, you can’t know if you are compatible with someone and want to marry them after a few dates. As long as the conversation isn’t from that angle, you’re not asking how he feels about YOU and marrying YOU right this minute, then there’s no reason for him to run away in response. And if he runs away without explanation, then that’s on him because he’s not capable of having a mature conversation. However, the result of the conversation might be that one or both of you believes that what was said by each is incompatible. Like how you are now wondering if getting to know him further will be a waste of your time.
It very well might be if you’re sure of what you want and it’s on a different timeline than he’s currently thinking about. With dating, you date what’s in front of you, not potential, and decide if what’s in front of you is a decent fit and match (and if you like them and want to continue getting to know them better and dating).
I think having a brief conversation about what you each want in general is totally fine early on, since dating is for figuring out compatibility and life stage and relationship goals is an important part of that. But once you have the answers, you need to look at them in the context of the biggest picture and decide if you want to continue getting to know this guy if what he said never changes. In my experience personally, I’ve never had it change if a guy said something that put us on pretty different pages early on… and I stuck around way too long trying to bend myself to fit into what they wanted and had plenty of time to see things through after I gave a definite mismatch a chance anyway because I felt I liked the guy enough.
Bella
Thank you all for the wise input, it gives me different perspectives and actually makes me feel better about having the discussion.
And to explain myself, I only asked because he had it written in his profile, otherwise I would’ve not think about it so early stages of getting to know someone.He just sent me a text saying:
“I’m glad we talked last weekend about our future goals. I’ve given it thought and I don’t believe we’re a good match, long-term. I understand what you’re looking for, but it’s not for me.
I wish you all the best in your search! It has been nice getting to know you :) “Bella
I did not respond yet, not sure what to say…
It’s a little disappointing but at the same time I’m glad I asked….Raven
You do not need to respond.
Bella
You’re right Raven, I do not need to respond, thank you, this is very liberating! :)
tammy
i think you did everything right bella. if my future goal is to marry than i would rather date someone who is open to the idea of marriage if all other things fall in place. but if he is against marriage right from the start, then i would rather not get involved at all. as most women advice here, listen to what the man says. and he said he is not keen to remarry and may rethink post 3/5 years into a relationship. that pretty much sounds like “no to marriage” to my ears.
and well you got your answer soon.
Honesty Rocks
Personally I wouldn’t mention any of my preferences on the first few dates. It puts a pressure on them. They might think they this girls just looking for a husband. You don’t actually even have to because in my opinion it becomes clear by the way someone behaves if you are going to be significant and they will be committed to you. A guy that is looking for a long term and commitment with you will step up and behave accordingly. And if he doesn’t that will be clear too. So just enjoy the journey and worry only about whether they are good enough for you. Not whether they can commit long term.
Bella
To be honest, I wish I would’ve hold back on the marriage conversation, even if the outcome would’ve been the same.
I haven’t been dating in a while now, so going out on dates felt good. I could’ve start talking with other guys and go on other dates as well, and enjoy the dating process and getting to know people…With this particular guy, there were flags…for the second date he invited me over to cook and watch a movie, which I declined, I told him I don’t do home dates early on.
At our last date, the 4th date, when we talked about marriage, again he invited me over, to enjoy his fireplace…
He told me he was still resentful over his divorce(that happened 5-6 years prior) and he also had a 3 years relationship recently that ended badly…Maddie
He didn’t shut this down just because you had a conversation discussing relationship goals and asking about marriage in his profile, though. He shut it down because he wanted a hookup (multiple early invites to his house!), and you weren’t into that. He puts that he doesn’t want marriage in his profile for a reason! And that reason is he’s trying to get women looking for a more serious connection to screen themselves out and pass over him when they read that. So this outcome would have eventually happened regardless, and while I understand the dates were fun, isn’t it better to disconnect before sleeping with him than after when it would have been for the very same reason (him wanting something casual even after getting intimate)?
Keep going on dates, but not with guys who are a clear mismatch.
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