How soon is too soon

Around date 3, and definitely before sex. And if he is not your boyfriend by 12 weeks he is not going to be. I don’t know why you are afraid to have that conversation. You always ask a man in the first 3 dates what they are looking for. Because at that point, it is not about you… if they can’t define it, then they just want companionship and should be treated as such. Honestly, it is a red flag he has not asked. Anyone looking for a real relationship makes sure early and often that the other person wants the same things… not necessarily with them, but generally.

I’ve only had three men ask “what are you looking for” in those words. None of them was in a healthy place. One had been dumped in an unpleasant way and was determined to never let it happen again… by interrogating every woman he went out with, on the first date. One of them was under pressure to get married and produce a child, ASAP. One was looking for a girlfriend to tick the box, so he could look good to his colleagues at company events.

A man will reveal in conversation how he sees his life going and will ask INDIRECT questions to find out what you want. That’s my experience.

The best time to ask in a more direct way is at the time you know sex is imminent. Then it’s natural to say, I feel comfortable having sex at the point we know we’re both on the same page. Would you share with me where you are in life and what dating means to you? I’d be happy to share my thoughts too. That’s the more gentle version way to ask “what are you looking for” which I find overly direct and rather abrupt – puts someone on the spot rather than opens an open discussion that builds a bridge between two people.

Thanks so much Angiebaby. Thats exactly where I am right now. I think we are getting closer to the intimacy stage and I don’t want to do that until I know for sure we are on the same page. I just think it sounds so awkward no matter how you phrase it. Although having said that with this guy there really is no awkward. I’m very much myself around him and feel very comfortable (hence why I feel like I’m ready for the intimacy stage.)

I think I’m terrible at interpreting nonverbal, indirect queues. We text multiple times a day/every day. He always tries to pay for dates (I let him most times but have picked up one tab and he let me do it begrudgingly.) We talk about our jobs and our kids and close friends and all other real life things and he remembers literally everything I tell him (which actually makes me feel bad to some extent bc my memory stinks and I don’t always remember everything he tells me.) So I think we are both on the same page but I do know it’s time to actually hash that out and I’m just struggling to find the words that work for me.

Angie thank you SO much for the advice and pep talk. We have had plans on the books to get together tonight but it was a beautiful day here yesterday and he sent me a text asking if I wanted to come over for a drink outside before the sun went down, impromptuly. With a little liquid courage to back me up I initiated the conversation and it seems it was a conversation he wanted to have too. It could not have gone better and I am so incredibly thankful for all of the advice. I’m feeling much much better today and can’t wait to see him again tonight. <3

Why have you only gone out 3 times in 6 weeks?

Yay! Thanks again, Angie! Time will tell but for now I’m definitely happy and it feels really good being able to be so straightforward and honest :)