How to Ask if We Are Okay

Thanks Anne.

I agree messaging slows down, but it has been pretty constant for months, and the change in the last two weeks has been dramatic. That’s what my concern is. It’s gone from us sharing lots to very little.

Its hard to answer your question. What you call 8 months of healthy messaging may mean that it was 8 months over the top messaging for him and he is slowing down naturally. I might also be a phase. If he is busy, he might be doing boring stuff, so there is not much to tell. In short: dont put too much emphasis on the texting, but look how the relationship is developing as a whole. Are there plans for the future, does he include you in your life etc. Those are more significant indicators of the status of the relationship.
For some odd reason, guys respond very strange to a question if he is ok. They will always respond with: why? I think they know instinctly its about the relationship. If you really want to discuss this, this weekend (i wouldnt), just say at the end you love to hear more from him during the week.

There are people who constantly stay in communication all day long, but that is pretty rare long term. Remember, before cell phones, you went to work all day and didn’t talk to friends all day. You had to pick up a tethered phone to talk to someone.

If he is still great on the weekends and enthusiastic about the dates, he is still into you. If you really the need for all day texting, you can tell him that you like hearing from him all day, but IMO, that’s a HUGE ask of someone. What’s the minimum you need to feel good?

It can be jarring to suddenly not hear from someone, so maybe you set the bar as a daily good morning text when you guys are busy. But constant “hey, how are you?” while fine on a slow day gets straight up annoying on a busy one.

Anytime there is a big shift in a pattern it can be jarring! So don’t feel bad that you are feeling concerned about this…

I would try to focus on the in person time together though– if that hasn’t changed things are probably fine and he’s either busy or reverting to what is his texting style/preference all along…

Don’t crowd him, but if/when you do text him at least try to make it a bit more lively than “how are you?” or whatever. Like, send him inside jokes, or maybe something flirty, anything that might spark a playful banter.

I would ask if there is something going on since he is seemingly uptight about text lately.

If he says no then just go about your business. Do not message him too much, let him lead on that.

You asked and that is all you can do.

if there is a sudden change in communication style there is something behind it. But it might not be related to your relationship. How are things otherwise? Intimacy? passion?

If you see changes across the board then it is not a good sign.

Talking about it is not going to give you much I am afraid. He might correct his style a little but if something is wrong, he won’t tell you. Men wait before they say things that they cannot undo. They are a little more clever in this regard than we women are, we normally blurt everything out, so you are being smart by thinking before saying.

I’d pull away a little and observe. Stop initiating contact, let him come to you. If he sends you a one word text, do not reply to it or reply with one or two words as well. Or if you want to be Ms. perfect, tell him to text you when he has time to type.

I find in real like Ms. Perfect don’t work. What works is when you are not that nice and can show them your claws. LOL “be a challenge”. LOL It is important not to be insulting, mean or unfair. But do not be afraid to show a man your claws or your teeth if you don’t feel he is treating you right. He will love you more for that. LOL

I can understand it might be ‘off putting’ when there’s a shift from the norm but you have to remember we are human beings and sometimes when we feel overwhelmed, tired or exhausted we just can’t muster up the energy to be ‘engaged’ and need that extra space from time-to-time.

Trust me, its NOT YOU or the relationship or he wouldn’t be making any plans or spending time with you. You can ASK him if there’s anything wrong but I guarantee it will be work related and you want to get him out of ‘work head’ not keep him in it. The best thing you can do is make the weekend fun for him. Do something interesting, get him out of “work mode” and he’ll spring back quicker. Is there anything he said he wanted to do/try but hasn’t done it yet? Do you have a mini-golf course, arcade, theme park around you? If so go have some FUN and PLAY because men love to play lol.

We had the weekend together. It believe is definitely work related.

I just made a small query about how work was going when we first caught up, along the lines of ‘How’s the week been at work’, but let him take the lead on it. Over the weekend he had to do some work at home, and I left him to do it. When I took him a glass a water, and kissed him on the head, he said ‘if you are going to ask how it is going, it’s going sh*t.’ I replied with ‘I wasn’t going to ask, rather I was just letting you get on with it, and you’ll tell me when you want to.’ I want to be supportive of him, and he has in the past shared so much about work with me, but this is a stressful time and he just wants to get things done.

Anyway, we spent the rest of the weekend doing things that we both enjoy – cooking, spending time with friends, shopping, watching a movie etc. His mind was still on work for some of that time, but at least it wasn’t always focussed on it. He said it was nice just having quiet time together, and as I left today he said ‘I love you’.

I think you are on the right track Lane. He has demands on his time from left, right and centre. He wants to vent to me, but also wants to have time away from work, to just forget about everything and to let his hair down.