how to ask what are you looking for without sounding clingy? + more

You just ask what you want confidently without worrying about being clingy. Because then the guys filter themselves out. You can even do it while still talking to them online before meeting in person. The right guy will want the same things and respond with consistency over time as he gets to know you better and the relationship will grow. You still need time to observe and make sure he’s for real about it before jumping in and investing, but that’s just dating (and why a slow burn can be good so you give yourself the time). The wrong guy will get weird about it, over time if not right away. All you need to do is be patient, not get frustrated if you have a string of flakey NYC guys because you can depersonalize it (their behavior isn’t about you, it’s just not a good match, and eventually you’ll find a better one but there’s a numbers game and luck aspect as well), and keep being honest and true to yourself. Getting bogged down in overanalysis early on is letting the anxious attachment side win.

And move on from the 30 year old. Your instincts are already telling you he’s not the right guy, but you’re ignoring them because you’re physically attracted to him. There’s plenty of other men out there, don’t try to force things with someone who you feel is immediately focused on the physical and is probably unavailable for more. Doing that is letting the anxious attachment drive, too.

Thank for the input Maddie, you’re right that I sometimes def do let the anxious attachment style win even in times where I KNOW I am thinking clearly. I really kept it quite simple with guy B, and if for whatever reason that scared him off then it is what it is and I am glad I was being myself and was communicative at least.

D is def just looking for sex and I picked up on that quick. We chatted for a few weeks prior to meeting up because I had work, got sick, then had some time off so was shocked he was still persistent with getting together. But I guess when men are around a pretty young gal they don’t care lol.

I hope guy B reaches out and texts, but its only been a bit over 24 hours now since we were together. If he doesn’t for whatever reason it’ll be ok, just felt decent about something for once.

Thanks Tallspicy, I am trying to remind myself that. I haven’t heard from guy B in 3 days now so I think he is removing himself from the equation. Some friends told me to reach out but kinda sick of throwing men a bone when I know what the answer is going to be…and don’t know if I need him to type out how he is not interested anymore for whatever reason. He spent the whole Friday night being affectionate and saying how he is having a nice date, and how excited he was to see me. Ugh. Well, thats just how it goes. Its hard not to take this personally sometimes. I didn’t get the vibe he just wanted sex but me analyzing doesn’t help. I may shoot him a text but also half of me doesn’t see the point.

Stop having casual sex and saying you are ok with it, because you clearly are not. I just block any man who contacts me more than 36 hours after first time sex (with conversation about expectations before). You can’t assume what someone wants by guessing and not asking. I don’t suggest you reach out because his actions tell you what he is thinking. Just assume he told you.

I left his apartment at like 230am and he offered to call me an uber. We kissed bye and were both so tired and I said I had a nice time and he said he did too. He has paid for now two ubers home for me. I thought maybe he was salty about that but he offered. Think its me overthinking though. He texted me while I was in the car and he told me to text him when I get inside but he might fall asleep. He told me he a great night and goodnight with a smiley face. I texted him when I did but he was definitely already asleep and told him I had a really nice time too and thanks again and said goodnight. Nothing since.

He even asked me what I was doing late April to possibly take a trip together during the date. Horrible mixed signals. And he was a consistent texter prior maybe only taking a day to reply but now its 4 days and nothing. I thought maybe he thinks I’m ghosting him but for me tell him I am trying to take sex more seriously then not text me afterwards at all seems like its pretty clear. Just seems like a lot of work and money if he just wanted sex.

Some guys don’t care about money or effort, they just want sex (the entire premise of the *very old* story Dangerous Liasions written in 1782 / updated to the movie Cruel Intentions over 200 years later starts off describing a man like this, so it’s always been that way for some!). The pursuit and validation makes it worth it to them. So effort and spending isn’t a good gauge (unless their love language is entirely giving gifts, then possibly??).

The only universal good gauge of if someone is serious about wanting a healthy relationship is consistency over time (words match actions match feelings, consistency in reaching out, and consistency in showing up for you) coupled with knowing your connection is organically growing and progressing. When this happens, you can feel it, because you won’t feel any confusion about where you stand.

Other guys are deeply insecure and will totally screw things up getting in their own heads after intimacy, which doesn’t do you any good either (similar to Natz’s comment). And, of course, if a guy does act that way or chooses to ghost altogether, it’s fully a reflection on him and not about you or anything you did. But unfortunately, you may not get to know this about someone until it actually happens.

I definitely don’t think if B is gone that it has anything to do with him paying for two ubers and being secretly resentful about it. If that’s truly the case then he can’t communicate maturely or directly, so good riddance. I’m wary when a guy blames all the past women he’s dated for them acting a way he didn’t like (the burnt rant about how often he’s been discarded… NYC dating can for sure be brutal but if you’re only choosing people who discard you, there’s something else wrong too. I say this as someone who used to always choose the wrong people). It’s an immature view, because he’s not taking any responsibility for his side in describing things that way. If he’s wallowing in bitterness, that’s a big red flag about a lack of resilience and about how he approaches stress and life issues.

I’m sorry if things don’t work out with him, but if you’re okay with having enjoyed your evening, then try not to let it get you down. If he’s gone, then it’s frustrating but at least you learned early he’s not worth investing in and you didn’t really waste your time. In fact, if you approach dating success as getting to know someone and checking out your connection and compatibility instead of wondering if every new guy might be “the one,” things get less frustrating and you feel a lot less like you’re wasting your time.

A few observations from your post.
Its okay to separate work from dates, you didn’t need to go to his house to work. Save that for a guy you’re serious with.

Secondly don’t go on dates when you’re tired or last minute. Preserve your time and spend it wisely.

I think you made an impulsive decision to have sex and after all that talk you are rethinking your decision. Always follow your gut, it will serve you well.

I decided not to throw him a bone and felt silly if I were to text him. I was pretty clear that I wanted something more serious and he didn’t really tell me what he wanted. And even while kissing a bit he clearly was getting excited and said to me “do we really have to wait until you’re done to do this” in regards to having sex while I was working, and thats when I asked him his opinion about it and he said “well, I think we should do it.”

I think its perfectly normal to want to get physically intimate on date 4 and I decided I wanted to do it regardless of the outcome, I honestly didn’t think any of it would spook him. But I took that chance. When I told him I want something to grow and become substantial and I even said I am NOT looking for casual, all he kept saying was “I get that.” I asked him what he is looking for and he dissed the question and said “its so early” and maybe I should have said then “ok if its so early we shouldn’t have sex” but whatever. I don’t wanna blame myself for his ghosting. His actions proved he enjoyed himself but then after he offered me water and made a rough joke saying, “ok we had sex you can go now” and I did not find it funny. Idk looking back the signs were there I guess. If he really wanted to text me he would have by now and its almost been a week.

Don’t beat yourself up. I’d say this is a WIN! You now know that if you talk about what you want and he doesn’t really answer, the real answer is just casual sex if he can get it. You now know to wait a while and to stay out of a guy’s place and don’t have him to yours early on. And you know that casual sex isn’t for you. That’s a lot of good information.

You may want to block him at this point because I can almost guarantee he’ll pop up in the future when you least expect it and you’re at a weak moment. He’ll have some BS excuse about his disappearance and he’ll ask to see you – because he wants sex again. He had his chance and blew it. Don’t let him in again.

You can’t get upset with men who don’t call you back after sex unless it is mutually agreed that you are exclusive. Not I told him I wanted the real deal. Unless you both agree, it is uncommitted.

Sorry this happened, but any upset on your part is on you. And men say loads of crap on a date, it is not a mixed message. They express wishes in the moment and until they act on it… it was just something they wished was true in the moment.