Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How to choose between two guys?
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 1 year, 3 months ago by
mama.
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Mei
So I’m 19 years old, and admittedly really not good at handling relationships. There are two guys in my life and I honestly think I love them both but I don’t know how to choose between them. The first one I met when I was 17 and he is three years older than me. It started off as a hookup (my first) and I left for college without saying bye to him. Throughout the last few years that passed we’ve randomly called each other and he asked me out again last year but I said no because I’ve always been unsure of getting into a relationship with him although I think I do have feelings for him. There’s always been that what if with him, timing not being right, etc.
The second is my best friend and my boyfriend. We had crushes on each other before we started dating and our relationship is amazing despite having its ups and downs. Sometimes I daydream about marrying him one day and I’ve always felt we were meant to be together forever hopefully, if college and life doesn’t get in the way. But there’s a lot of drama between us sometimes that also includes other people because we’re both in Greek life and idk, just jealousy from both sides I guess that’s led us to have stupid arguments. Sometimes he’d shut down on me completely and vice verse and it just pisses us both of us off. The last few months, the other guy has been there for me as just a friend (nothing happened at first because I would never cheat) until he wasn’t…we kissed while me and my boyfriend was on a break.
We would’ve slept together but I stopped in the middle and ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I don’t know what’s wrong with me because before me and my boyfriend started dating, I used to think about this guy a lot and want to be with him so now that it was finally happening, I don’t know why I couldn’t do it. My boyfriend found out and since then, I haven’t been officially with either of them. Just kind of jumping back and forth between them or completely avoiding both. I’m not experienced with guys at all because aside from them, all I’ve ever done is focus on school completely or hangout with my girlfriends. They’ve gotten into physical fights on my campus multiple times and telling me I need to choose between them. But I honestly don’t know how to. On one hand, the first guy was the first person I ever had feelings for but I never thought we were meant to be otherwise it would’ve happened by now right? And honestly, I love my boyfriend so much I keep wanting to work it out with him despite all the arguments we’ve had. He’s my best friend and if I lost him, I feel like my whole world would come crashing down. If any of you have been in this situation, please help me out :(
Ewa
I think what you should do is to let them both go .
Gaia
Focus on your studies and let both of them go. You don’t need drama and boy problems. The right person for you will eventually come along. But you have a whole world of exploring/learning in front of you.
Raven
What they ⬆️ both said.
Mei
But why tho? It’s hard to find people you love who love you back as it is, I don’t wanna just dump them both. Also I have a whole relationship with my boyfriend and there’s so much history there, I can’t just ‘let it go’. I don’t have any energy to date anyone else in the future because I feel like I will end up with one of the two and I really don’t want any more romantic relationships aside from the ones I’ve already had.
Gaia
You are only 19. What are your life goals outside of a relationship with either of these men? I’m assuming they are close to the same age. They are just learning about life and the real world as well. You have so much time to figure out relationships and new experiences. And they will as well. If you are struggling to pick between the 2 boys, neither is for you. The right relationship/ relationships will come along at the right time and you won’t question it or have to choose.
AngieBaby
If it’s not obvious, the answer is neither.
Getting in physical fights over you?? Don’t string them along. Cut them loose. You’ll meet someone else eventually.
Ewa
You’re 19 and I think you secretly enjoy being ‘loved’ by two guys. Out of respect for them you should leave them alone. How would you feel if a guy was playing with you like that because sorry to say it but you are playing with them both.
One day when you’re older you will realise how immature your behavior was.
You ask about choosing? You think your ex boyfriend aka your best friend will be happy to get back to you ? You think your new man will want to be with a woman who is happy to cheat on her bf ?
Fair enough if they are OK with it but men usually stick together and soon enough you will see that you’d be there all on your own while these 2 are going to be best mates and never speaking to you again …Kash
My advice is similar to what everyone else said. I have been involved in a situation similar to yours years ago. And guess what when the relationship ended both the guys thought I was the villain who was enjoying the attention of these two men. They are not going to question themselves as to why they couldn’t leave early if I was such a bad woman. They will enjoy the woman for as long as they want to and will later dismiss her as a bad woman, not relationship material because she is so immature and attention seeking that she couldn’t pick one man. Trust me you don’t want to give anyone the opportunity to judge you or your character so it’s better you leave both of them and focus on your career goals. You are very young right now so you are not understanding this but as you grow up you will realise this.
Also, there is no guarantee that, just because you don’t to get into any relationship after this and want to settle down with one of these guys, thase guys want the same thing. They might change their mind later on. Who knows?
Mei
You’re totally right, there is no guarantee for the future thank you for reminding me of that. The thing is I don’t want to let my boyfriend go :( he’s my first relationship and I always dreamed about marrying him one day, what our lives would be like together and stuff. Like I’ve literally been in love with him since we were 13. And yeah I guess my feelings strayed a bit because we’ve been getting into stupid arguments. Like I have a very clear idea of what I wanna do with my life and while he does good in school, he mostly just gets high and it’s frustrating sometimes just watching him zoned out when we’re spending time together. He has severe Adhd amongst other problems.
We’ve broken up a few times but we always get back together. The longest break we’ve ever took is probably right now because of this situation with the other guy. I get what you’re all saying about me enjoying this and I honestly don’t think I am. I feel like crap most days because on one hand I want it to work with my bf but because of my stupidity, I feel like I might’ve completely messed it up with him. Like I created another unnecessary issue that we now need to resolve. :/
mama
Who you will be in 5 years is going to be a much different version of who you are now. Invest in YOURSELF now, and you’ll know exactly what you want by then. You are confused because of all your feelings.
Feelings lead a lot of our decisions when we’re younger. Leave them both behind, use this time to work on yourself. Figure out what you want in life for yourself — not in relation to some guy. You’ll make better choices for yourself in a partner when you know where you’re headed in life.
A guy is not the end goal of your life; he’s the partner who can either support you or create obstacles in getting to your end goal. There is more to your life than being someone’s girlfriend/wife/etc.
It’s apparent you are only seeing things through the lense of your boyfriend, that’s unfortunate. Do you have any strong women in your life? Ask them what they’d do.
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