Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How to deal with a stubborn man?
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kaye.
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JC
I have been dating a man for about four months. We knew of each other in high school and recently reconnected. Since I have been dating him my life has changed for the better. He encourages me to be better in my career and personal life. He is a great influence on my daughter and they have grown really close. He is honestly the best man I have ever dated. My problem is that he is very stubborn. We get into these small arguments that he makes into a bigger deal because he will refuse to contact me. I am constantly struggling with the difference between being the peace maker and being emotionally abused. The last argument we got into he hung the phone up in my face, I called him that same night and no answer. I called him a few days later and everything was fine and I could tell he missed me a lot but was too stubborn to reach out first. The most current disagreement was because he told me he was going to fix my mom’s TV at 10 am then he pushed it back to 1 pm. He called me at 1:30 to say he was 40 min away and then I haven’t heard anything from him. I called him twice and then sent a text telling him how pissed off I was and that I thought he was being a coward by not answering the phone. He never responded. Now, I do not want to reach out to him again because I feel like that is his job! He was in the wrong so he needs to apologize. What is the best way to deal with stubborn people without losing my dignity? I was him in my life because he adds a lot of value but I refuse to chase him everytime we disagree
redcurleysue
No one, and I repeat no one wants to be wrong.
That does not make them right but no one wants to be wrong.
What I think is happening here is that you want someone to be wrong…and that will not work. You need to learn how to disagree and leave the person intact. Let them save face…that is being a friend.
You need to mostly be positive in your communication…what I mean by that is constantly be on the lookout for what he does that you admire. Focus on that. For one month do not correct him or argue with him. If he has an opinion that your first thought is to disagree just say instead, “I never looked at it that way, I will have to think about that.” That sentence does not mean you agree, it means you are thinking about what he said.
Once you break the habit of jumping in with your opinion (this exercise is for you) then you can calmly learn how to state your position in a non threatening manner. You are as entitled to your views just as much as he is….it is HOW you present yourself that is causing the strife. (I am not saying he is not guilty of this as well, but I am not working with him).
You can teach him a new dance. It will take work on your part.
Peggy
I see 2 things here-you may be very unflexible and want what you want when you want it from him. Also, he seems unreliable and does not follow through on promises. Maybe it is passive- aggressive to you-I do not know. Anyway, try what RCS suggested. It is possible you are two incompatible in the way you handle and do things.
JC
Thank you redcurlysue! So now that we have not spoken in two days do you suggest I reach out to him? I don’t want to continuously want to be the person who has to reach out first. I personally think what he’s doing is juvenile
JC
Thank you redcurlysue! So now that we have not spoken in two days do you suggest I reach out to him? I don’t want to continuously want to be the person who has to reach out first. I personally think what he’s doing is juvenile
JC
Peggy – you might be right when you say I want what I want when I want it. I have heard It before from numerous people
Jen
Here is what I envision. He does something you don’t like and then you jump all over him. You insist on talking about it and nag. So he avoids you at all cost.
If you don’t stop it, he will stop coming back. Men hate fighting with their women and every one of these ‘little arguments’ is eroding your relationship. Men have lower tolerance for this. So if you think he will keep bouncing back, you will be very disappointed when he says to you he loves you, but can’t handle the stress or fighting. Unlike most women, majority of men would rather be alone than be with a woman that stresses him out.
Nat
So you let him have it BEFORE finding out what happened that he couldn’t make it for 1 pm as you agreed? WOW. And you sent it all by text? And this happens a lot after only 4 months? You said you have all those small arguments?
Sometimes you need to yield and pick your battles. If he is a good influence on your life and your daughter then why do you get into small arguments. Men are men. Testosterone. Pride. Egos. You are a woman, you have a higher emotional and social intelligence, use it. Find a smarter way to NOT get into petty arguments.
“I want what I want when I want it. I have heard It before from numerous people” – does it not teach you anything? This is NOT smart at all. CHANGE your ways.
if you are in the wrong by wanting everything “your way right away” then call and apologize. Acknowledge those things that you did wrong. If you feel that the main fault rests on him then don’t. Wait until he contacts you.
Annie
He probably feels emasculated after you fight, and his ignoring you is his way of reaserting himself as the man. Next time you disagree, don’t reach out to him and give him space to come back to you. If you can’t live with this, then he’s probably not right for you.
Hannah
I’m seeing this slightly differently for some reason. Have I missed something?
The guy said he’d help your mother, didn’t turn up and you never heard from him again. For me, that’s totally unacceptable. Were you sending nagging texts or something while he was trying to get over to you or something? Otherwise, his behaviour wasn’t fair or nice to you or your mother. That isn’t being stubborn, it’s treating 2 people very poorly and letting them both down.
JC
I understand what all of you are saying. I feel like we both were in the wrong but I do not feel like me running behind him everytime we get into an argument is healthy for a relationship.
Hannah- no I did not send him multiple texts nagging him while he was supposed to be there. I sent him him one text at the end of the night saying he was a coward and saying if he didn’t want to do it then thats what he should have said in the beginning.
Jen
I’m not seeing all the wonderful you say he brings . So far this is just a brief relationship with lots of arguments over nothing,
I too, thought the same thing as Hannah at first. But then it seems to me that maybe something did come up and he just didn’t want to feel your wrath. Cowardly, yes. But unless he has a habit of not following through, that could explain it.
If you are only four months in and arguing? This isn’t going to work. This is still honeymoon phase where you should still be infatuated with each other. Not acting like an old married couple.
Lane
Honestly, it sounds like both of you are stubborn!
Me an my ex husband argued less than 10 times in our 20+ year marriage! Why? Because we TALKED to each other in a normal voice and if we couldn’t agree then we didn’t agree! Relationships aren’t like Burger King, you can’t have everything your way. A relationship is made up of two people who have their own personality, likes, dislikes, beliefs and non-beliefs and there has to be ‘wiggle room’ because life doesn’t operate on a straight plane, but has bends and curves so you have to be able to adjust to it without taking everything so personal.
The fact is, he was doing your mom a favor. If you want someone to be there at a specific day and time, then hire a professional. However, if someone OFFERS to do something for free on their own dime and time, then you have to be a bit more amiable to their schedule because life happens and be thankful he’s taking time to help you…like they say “you will get more bees with honey than you will with vinegar.”
Both of you are acting like children IMO. Honestly, I think you need to tell him “I’m sorry, calling you a coward was very wrong as you were doing my mom a favor and I should have been thankful instead of hurtful. Please forgive me.”
I don’t think this going to last though because neither of you fight clean but very dirty.
kaye
I have to agree with Lane that this isn’t going to last if you two continue to fight with each other this way and can’t learn to do it in a civil manner. For you to go off on this guy without knowing why he was running late or what was going on is just downright rude! How do you know he wasn’t in a wreck and in the hospital? Hell you still haven’t heard from him so he could be!! And calling him a coward? How emasculating is that? No man is going to put up with that for long.
Personally at 4 months by children hadn’t even met my fiance. I think the fact he is so close to your daughter in such a short amount of time isn’t a good thing. Because the way this is going he’s going to be gone for good and you put her through that for no reason. My fiance and I are both very stubborn. We would get into an argument and he would need time to go into his man cave and he wouldn’t contact me or answer texts. These weren’t small fights though. These were a couple big fights we had. I told him how hurtful it was to me and he admitted he was hurting too. So we now have a 24 hour limit. We agree not to go more than 24 hours without speaking to each other after a fight. This acknowledges that we both need time to cool off but that the other person cannot use the “silent treatment” to continue hurting the other. You two need to learn how not to fight so dirty. And we have also agreed that it is incredibly rude to hang up on someone and that is not acceptable behavior either.
When someone agrees to do something for you, you need to be a little more flexible. Of course I also understand that if you or your mom is waiting on someone to get there and they say 10 in the morning, then it’s 1 in the afternoon and then they are still 40 mins later that it’s inconsiderate of the person waiting and them being able to go about their day. But if you were to call and say “baby, don’t stress out about this. If you have other things going on tend to those and we can do this another time.” or “sweetie, did something come up to keep you from getting here?” Either of those would have gotten a better response than going off on him over text.
I know that men HATE to rehash and argument and they just want it to be over and not talk about it again. But you can’t let that happen in your case. You need to discuss what happened, what went wrong, what needs to change in the future and set ground rules for future arguments. Otherwise you will just keep doing the same thing over and over and that’s insane!! But in this case I think you clearly need to reach out and apologize to him for your reaction and he needs to apologize for never showing up or letting you know what was going on.
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